Before Tonight

Before tonight, my girlfriend and I had been in a relationship for nearly seven years. We fell in love our last semester of college after I spotted her in a coffee shop about two blocks from campus. She sat in a booth, alone, sipping away on a large black iced coffee with crumbs of a croissant sitting on a plate. In her hands was a rather bulky textbook, though I don’t remember the title now, and she was so engrossed in the textbook I knew there was no way she felt my eyes on her. She wore a stained navy-blue sweatshirt with some black joggers, and the bags under her eyes gave away her exhaustion, well that and the coffee. 

But as cliché as most love stories are, to me she was the most beautiful person in the room. I hadn’t even meant to talk to her, but before I knew it my feet carried me to the booth where we hit it off. Within minutes, I quickly learned that she also attended NYU and was majoring in biochemistry while I majored in film studies.

After several dates, we were officially dating and hardly spent anytime apart, until a few months ago. Not long after graduation I started working on small films here and there as either a film editor or as a director’s assistant. That worked for me for a while, especially because I got to watch Morgan thrive in her job in the lab. I loved seeing how animated she was talking about her day-to-day, and in those conversations I realized she had what I was missing. Enjoyment in her job. Sure, nothing beat walking on a film set and watching scenes unfold, but I couldn’t direct them. I knew it would take some time before I became a director myself, but I was sick of waiting.

That was until one of the former directors I assisted on a movie called to see if I’d be interested in directing a short feature film. 

“Hey Cade, how’s it going?” I hadn’t even checked who was calling but Hugh Langford’s unmistakable voice filled my ear. He was the director of Lukewarm, a movie I worked on two summers ago. Hugh was probably my most favorite director I’ve worked with so far, and one I hadn’t heard from in months.

“Hey Hugh, I’m doing good, how are you?” I asked and he replied with telling me about a project that he was excited about. I was expecting he called me to be his assistant, but my mouth dropped when I heard him say, “I want you to direct it.”

“Me?” I asked bewildered. 

“Yeah, you. Every new director needs their start and I think it’s your turn now. What do ya say?”

“I’m in.”

“Great, I’ll get everything sent over to you. Review everything and get back to me soon, alright?”

“Yes sir, and thank you for this opportunity.” 

Morgan looked at the edge of her seat as she watched this conversation unfold without hearing Hugh’s side of it. I dropped the phone as soon as I hung up and she squealed, jumping up and down without knowing what for. 

            Thanks to the actors and mentorship from Hugh, the short film won several academy awards. Which subsequently meant attending a lot of award shows, something that Morgan didn’t want to do in the slightest. As she told me a thousand times, especially in the car ride to the award shows, she wasn’t meant to be walking on red carpets and posing for a thousand different cameras but instead in a lab where no one cared what dress she was wearing or what makeup brand she used.

Luckily for me she powered through and set her nervousness aside, though when we’d return home you could tell the relief she felt to not have all eyes on her.

“I’m surprised this dress doesn’t have sweat stains, I thought I sweat through it. Was it hot in there to you?” She set the dress on a hanger and was already dressed in her pajamas and settled into her side of the bed.

“Not really, though with all those lights on me on stage I started to get a little hot at the end of my speech.” I joined her in bed and pulled the covers over me.

“When you won and mentioned me in your speech that damn camera panned to me and I thought I was going to pass out. I had to fan myself.” She chuckled, a small smile on her face as she turned to me.

“I’m proud of you, honey.” She ran her hand on my face gently before adding, “Your parents would’ve been proud too.” 

I wouldn’t be where I am in my career if it wasn’t for Morgan, we were each other’s biggest supporters. She helped me through my parent’s death from their car crash from a few months prior while I helped her navigate her parent’s bitter divorce. By having her at my side, I knew I could get through anything, even through the pressure of picking my next project to work on.

One of the downsides of having a successful project like that is trying to pick the next one with the same caliber. I was fortunate to have so many offers but I didn’t know how to deal with it. It was a good problem to have, of course. But I spent hours looking at the scripts I was sent, that eventually I asked Morgan to help me decide. One night, she sat with me after work and went through each script one by one.

Truthfully, I liked all the scripts, but there was one that stood out to me the most. There was one glaring problem though, I’d be in Italy for almost eight months. Morgan stared at me, a small smile on her face as she glanced at the script in my hands. “That’s the one, isn’t it?” She asked.

I smiled and nodded, excitement coursing through me. “Why don’t you come with me?” I asked.

            She almost looked offended at this. “I can’t do that.” She replied immediately, and any excitement I had dissipated. 

            “Why not?” I said, growing angry at her quick response. 

            “I just got that job at Dr. Huckman’s lab, you know I can’t just up and leave for eight months.”

            “You couldn’t take a sabbatical for a few months? Come on, you’ve always wanted to go to Italy, you talk about it all the time.” 

            “No, I can’t.” She scoffed. “I just started working there, if I leave now they could give my spot to someone else.” 

            I huffed and sat back on the couch, not knowing what else to say. She noticed my frustration and said, “How about I visit you in the middle of the shoot? I can only take a few days off, okay?”

            I agreed and left to go shoot the movie about two weeks after. The first few months went by quickly and I’d check in with Morgan on our regular FaceTime calls. Though with how busy we were, we could only talk for a half hour and would fall asleep most of the time.

            When she finally arrived, I wanted her to soak up Italy as much as she could during her three day stay. As soon as she stepped off the plane, I whisked her off to sight see. The second day she slept in, feeling worn out from the flight and jet lag while I caught up on emails. We were out later in the afternoon when I got a phone call from my assistant who told me I needed to head to the film set. 

            I hung up the phone and turned to Morgan. “Honey, I have to head to set.”

            She was eating some gelato and almost scooped in another bite when she narrowed her eyes and replied, “You’re joking, right?” 

            I wasn’t and ended up having to leave her by herself for the remainder of the day. She wasn’t too happy with that of course and we walked around aimlessly trying to fill up our day. That next morning I drove her to the airport and she left without saying goodbye.

After that things were off in the relationship. About a week after she left, I had been working late and realized I missed our scheduled FaceTime call. I woke her up after I called her a few hours later, and she forgot about the call too, though she didn’t seem too keen on talking to me.

From there, we missed most of our Facetimes and opted to text sporadically throughout the day, and we continued that routine until I wrapped up my movie.

I wasn’t supposed to be home for another week, but I decided to head home early. I had pictured her being there as I unlocked the door to the apartment, but instead I was met with an empty one. She came home hours later; I heard her laughter down the hallway as she fumbled with the door. I heard her not so quietly whisper, “Thanks for taking me out tonight, Caroline. I had fun, I needed to get him off my mind. Yes, I’m at my door now, talk later.” She stumbled in and threw her keys on the counter before spotting me. 

She gasped and took a step back and hiccupped, the alcohol clearly still affecting her system. “Cade, what are you doing here?”

“Finished early and thought I’d surprise you.” I said more coldly than I intended. I couldn’t fault her for coming home late when I didn’t tell her I’d be here, but I also didn’t expect to be waiting up till past midnight to see her either. She set her bag down and I was struck with how she stayed on the opposite side of the room. When we first started long distance, she’d run up and jump in my arms, and now that looked like the last thing she wanted to do. I’m not saying that I needed a ‘Welcome Home’ banner spread across the archway in our kitchen or a cake but at least a response would’ve been nice. 

“I’m sorry, Cade. I just wasn’t expecting you. Kind of caught me off guard.” She took off her coat and set it on the back of the couch across from me before sitting down. She flashed a smile at me, though her eyes looked distant. 

“So, were you out with Caroline?” I asked, trying to lighten up the air.

She nodded, though that was the only reaction I got from her. 

I can honestly say that in all of the time that we’ve been together, we haven’t ever had such an awkward moment like this. I don’t know how to talk to her right now, and truthfully we’ve barely spoken more than a few sentences since she left Italy. 

“So, are you going to be back home then for a while?”

I shook my head. I already had my next film lined up and was going to break the news to her tonight, but just didn’t know how. She nodded, her lips pressed in a thin line. She couldn’t even look at me now.

“Is this how it’s going to be now? Spending months apart just be together for a few days and then you leave for your next movie?” I didn’t even have to reply, she already knew what my answer was. 

A knowing silence passed over us, a strain that we’ve felt for so many months now was palpable in the room.

“You know we can’t go on like this, right?” She said, tears welling up in her eyes. “I can’t say it.” Her face rippled as she sat in front of me, biting her lip to stop the downpour of tears from flowing.

I didn’t want to say the words either, that’s the last thing I wanted. But I also didn’t want to live a life where we both strung each other along for the sake of settling. And by the look on her face, I know that rung true for her too.

She liked to live a quiet life while I couldn’t stay in one place. And while I was fascinated by her differences, loved them even, it was those differences that drove us apart.

I swallowed hard, a lump in my throat forming, knowing that if I didn’t say these words out loud it wouldn’t seem to make this real. “We’re breaking up.”