I Want to be Numb

Leo and Orion were getting married. Rather, they were soon to be joined together as willing life partners at a traditional ceremony, in the presence of both of their families. You and I might say that sounds like a wedding, but these words have long been forgotten by the time of Leo and Orion. The need for them slowly but surely died out, around the same time that ERT (Emotional Regulation Technology) started to become more sophisticated and effective. So effective it was, that not only were certain words forgotten, but entire emotions altogether have been lost to time. In a very real sense, we left behind much more than just our home world when we left Earth in 2376. Humanity now has a much more literal meaning. We are humans, yes, but gone are the days that we clutch our stomachs when we are hungry. The chip will sense it, the indicator lets you know when nutrition is needed. Feelings are no longer to be felt. We like to allow some through, sure. The warmth of sunshine on one’s face, the flavor of a particularly tasty sustenance cube, though these are all very surface level, bringing little pleasure or consequence. But of course it is this way, and both Leo and Orion were taught exactly why from a young age. It has been shown consistently throughout history that the combined power and instability of human emotions brings only disaster to society and its members. Uncontrolled anger brought conflict, unchecked benevolence led to jealousy, rampant motivation only furthered inequality. Though they couldn’t fathom it, Leo and Orion were taught that their far-off ancestors could even feel things to the point that fluid would leak from their eyes. I would say that the thought terrified them, but they know nothing of fear. Humans slowly lost their understanding of what made them, well… you get it.

The ‘wedding’ was in Oasis, a popular tropical event center in the simulation rooms aboard the space station New Florida. The New Florida was currently orbiting Jupiter, with a population of nearly 100,000. Stations like these were spread throughout the solar system, efficiently drawing plenty of energy from the increasingly burning sun. Anywhere but the planet we once lived on - and we did live on it, right up to when it had enough of us. None miss it as few remember it, and those who visit don’t sing much praise for the unbreathable air and ravaged landscapes. Station life was the norm. Communication between them was possible, but most inhabitants of a station kept to within the station community. It was their home, practically an independent nation. ERT is what makes all of this cooperation possible, without it there would be chaos. Undoubtably.

And it’s not like the current world is completely devoid of personality. Leo and Orion found each other - and decided to be with each other – in the same independent fashion as any healthy couple. They came of age, applied for the registry, showed similar compatibility results, and accepted the introduction program. They were perfect for each other, and the Social Binding ceremony wouldn’t be all stiff and official either. In fact, they were timing their chip updates right as there would be a perfect view of Europa out of the Oasis viewport. If that isn’t romantic, what is?

Another tradition aboard New Florida happens before the social binding ceremony, where the couple takes a short trip together to unwind before the hustle and bustle of ERT updates, societal disclaimers, and contrived pleasantries with relatives. The truth is, most that were involved were excited (as much they could be). Individuals in station society rarely decide to go through with a social binding. Some say the tradition is dying out. There was simply too much risk of adverse emotion – which only furthers the need for regulation – for this formality to make any sense.

Of course, you and I can see that this “tradition” died out, at least spiritually from what it once was, long ago.

Because Leo and Orion did wish to go through with it, and were both excited as they could be, they decided for their trip to be short and sweet. They decided to go to a museum.

“The shuttle leaves soon, doesn’t it?” Leo called from his desk, where he sat with a cord protruding from the base of his skull. “I may have to stop this download and install the rest later.”

Orion entered the doorway from the other room to see him, she held a half-eaten sustenance cube in her hand. “You must have more preprograms than I needed for the ceremony, mine finished this morning.” She replied. “But yes, we’d better get a move on.”

Leo could tell she was looking forward to going. Not from her facial expressions, on New Florida the greatest expression of joy on the face was a slight curl of the lips, and a small furrow of the brow meant you were livid. Instead, Orion’s chip in proximity with Leo’s provided this service with something called emotes. These were short pulses of signals that were sent out when an emotion is being “felt”. Emotes were received as a sort of color hue to the vision, similar to the change in hue that the chip makes you see when the body needs food or the bathroom. Leo shut down his holodesk and expertly removed the chip connecter from the back of his head. “I do think I heard there were some additional ones for males.” He stood up and looked at his soon to be social partner. “Why don’t we go learn some history?” He might have added some sarcasm if he knew how.

The main shuttle that transported every station inhabitant to and from the many work centers and communal areas was quite spacious and comfortable. Their destination was right near the simulation rooms, so they could head right to the ceremony afterwards. New Florida was one of the larger installations, and there was no sense in wasting time shuttling around all day and night before the ceremony. When they arrived at the museum, they found themselves to be one of the few there. It used to be a large portion of the station in its early days, but so many additions since its establishment made it seem quite small now. Large holoprojections of people in all different sorts of scenes were displayed at the entrance, and above the doorway were the words: “Museum of Human Connection”.

Leo entered first and looked around. “I remember coming here as a child, on a class trip.” He walked up to a projection of a man whose face seemed contorted in a ridiculously expressive smile. “They don’t go anymore. I think my class was the last year to do it.”

Orion was reading a tablet on the main wall. “It says here each exhibit focuses on an aspect of human emotional connection, progressing throughout history until the modern era.” A colorful projection playing on a loop of a man in a guide outfit was motioning guests through the doorway to the first exhibit.

“Shall we?” asked Leo. Orion nodded and they walked through, with no way of knowing they would never leave the same.

The first exhibit focused on early society on Earth. Apparently, humanity used archaic social conditioning methods to suppress unwanted emotion, and it was often mixed with the forced separation of certain groups. Women were especially suppressed at first, and the habitual use of consciousness altering drugs became increasingly commonplace. A calm, professional sounding voice narrated the images from hidden speakers all around them. 

“Long ago, people just like you and I actually felt the full spectrum of human emotions throughout their lives. These were very dangerous and uncomfortable times.”

Leo walked up to a hologram of a man in old earth clothing, sitting slumped over on the ground, holding his head in his hands. The projection was extremely clear and detailed, and tears could be seen trickling down the man’s face.

“Can you imagine?” Orion asked softly, walking up behind him.

Leo stared for at the projection for a moment. “…No” he said. “I can’t.”

They moved on. Soon, the aesthetic of the exhibits became more positive, and the holograms of people were interacting. Projections of all different sorts of couples were shown holding hands, walking, sitting and eating together.

“Ah,” smiled Orion, her emote glowing blue with contentment. “It’s us!”

Leo reciprocated his emote and looked around the exhibit. “Social binding seems so different without ERT.” He mused to himself.

The museum’s voice continued to sound throughout the room.

“Many emotions could even be felt in multiple distinctly different ways…”

“…The problem, of course…like a push-pull system…any amount of one can risk far too much of the other…”

Orion was staring at a projection of two individuals who bore some resemblance to her and Leo. They were holding hands, standing on a beach that looked just like the one simulated in the Oasis room. She thought about what that would be like, or why anyone would ever feel the need to do so. What purpose did it serve? Did the lack of neural chips result in poor balance? Maybe it prevented them from falling over…

“Woah, what is that?” Asked Leo. He was looking over at a small alcove on the far side of the room. In it was a sort of cylindrical booth with what seemed like an interactive display.

If the two had been paying more attention, they would have seen an old sign reading “Out of Order, Move Along”, but it was simply written out words on a poster. No voice, no connection to their chips like all the other signs at the museum.

They walked over. As soon as they reached it, the display came to life. It played a booting up screen as if it had not been activated in a long while, then showed them a pink colored shape. It looked like a circle with an indent in the top, forming two distinct curved halves.

“Preparing emotion simulator” chimed the display in a sing-song voice that was different from the guiding narrator of the exhibits.

“Oh, I’ve heard of these,” said Leo. “I didn’t think they were around anymore.”

The machine displayed a large list containing the names of all sorts of human feelings, some Leo and Orion hadn’t even heard of.

“What is… lust?” asked Orion. “What a silly word.”

“My question” responded Leo, “Is why would anyone today want to simulate actual base emotions?”

Orion scrolled further through the list. “Like you said, these are old. Maybe it’s from before we all had ERT?”

“Must be.” Leo said, fascinated. “It looks like you select an emotion and then put your hand here to feel it.” He motioned to a handprint shaped indent on a platform in front of the display.

Something in the list suddenly caught Leo’s eye. “Wait, what’s this one?” He pointed to a selection.

L--REDACTED--

“Redacted?” Questioned Orion. “Could that mean…”

“A forbidden emotion.” Leo confirmed, looking suddenly wary. “That could be serious stuff, everyone knows those decisions weren’t made lightly.”

The two stood still for a few moments, contemplating what they had stumbled upon. Orion was the first to speak up. “Aren’t you curious though?”

Leo’s emote glowed a nervous green. “We did come here to learn…” He reached out and selected the mysterious redacted emotion.

“Selected emotion _REDACTED_ contains two distinct physiological sensation” The voice said abruptly. Right away, they heard a whirring and a second hand-shaped indent appeared next to the first.

“What do you know…” whispered Orion.

“Simulation Ready”

Leo looked over at his soon to be social partner. “Do you want to go first?”

Orion looked at the two hands. “I have an excellent idea. Why not do one each? And then we can switch?” Orion suggested, her playful emote radiating pink.

 “Ah, good idea.” Leo replied, reciprocating the pink glow.

They both took positions in front of either hand, and pressed their palms into the mold. The tech immediately connected electronically to the chips inside their heads, and produced in their minds the forbidden emotion they had selected.

Immediately, both their chips began to protest and send alerts that caused their emotes to flash red. Leo buckled to the ground while Orion stumbled backwards, nearly falling over. Neither of their hands were on the platform for more than a couple seconds, and the sensations began to fade quickly.

“What… oh, what was…” Leo’s heart was racing. At first he thought the station had lost pressure. “That was… horrible!” He swung his head to look at Orion, who was staring back at him. Her eyes were similarly furrowed to his, contorting their faces in ways neither had seen before, but Orion was different. She seemed almost in a trance, a strange glow in her eyes.

“I don’t…” she stumbled her words. “That was like a… like some sort of dream.” It was all she could equate it to. As much as we tried, ERT could never fully regulate dreams.

“Did you feel it in your stomach?” Asked Leo as he realized he was still clutching his abdomen.

“Yes,” said Orion quietly. “I did.”

Leo shook his head. “It was so… cold.”

“Cold?” Orion seemed to snap out of her thoughts. “That was the warmest I’d ever felt, in a strange way.” She looked at Leo. Both of them were still shaken, but in obviously different ways.

Slowly, they switched places. With much more hesitation this time, they both lowered their hands onto their respective handprint.

Leo audibly gasped. He tore his hand away and Orion did the same. Same flashing lights.

“Leo!” Orion cried. He was looking down at his hand but he spun to look at her. She was on her knees. “Something’s wrong!”

Leo came to his senses and helped her up. They stood face to face. Both could see on each other’s expressions that they had just experienced two sides of something like nothing they had ever felt before. Nothing they knew existed. “That was one emotion?” He whispered.

It almost felt like they were breaking every rule they’d ever learned. Perhaps the word to describe it wasn’t “wrong” as Orion put it, but it was certainly new and frightening. They kept looking at each other, their emotes back to normal but they now glowed purple with worry. Worry both for themselves, and for each other. But as they gazed into each other’s eyes, both afraid and full of adrenaline, they felt something else entirely. They felt an understanding between them they had never felt in the time since they had first crossed paths up to now. Before they knew what was happening, their faces reached for each other and their lips met. A moment containing all of time itself passed, and Leo pulled away first. The expression in both his and Orion’s eyes were now the same. She reached out and held Leo’s hand.

“You’re beautiful.”