Take a Gamble?

Malory awoke and turned towards Benjamin. Her outstretched hand moved without impediment and dropped atop the comforter. Rolling back, removing the eye mask that blocked the lights of the Las Vegas strip, the clock read 3:17.

It was too much. She rolled out of bed and went to the drawers, where hours before, she had unpacked before she and Benjamin had joined his entire family for dinner. She hadn’t wanted to come on the trip at all. Benjamin pretended it was all fun and games for him with his family, but Malory knew that it was different for him. She loved her sister-in-law beyond measure but would have missed her fortieth birthday gladly to keep Benjamin from this town.

Dressed, she uncapped the water on the nightstand, rocked her head back, and took a swallow. Whatever they did to the air in these places left her parched all the time. She returned the bottle, grabbed the plastic card key, and left the room.

As she waited for the elevator, she checked herself. Was she mad? Scared? Both? She loved Benjamin with all that she was and for that reason alone, she was not going to watch him put himself and their family in jeopardy. Long before they got married, she knew he struggled with compulsive behaviors, but never saw anything that crossed over into what one imagined when you thought of an addict. He overdid just about everything he did, even she knew, loving her. There was something there that was just over the top. He almost worshipped her.

The bell chimed. Malory stepped back as two twenty-something girls exited. Underdressed and over made up, she watched as they passed and thought how much more they looked like her school-aged daughters than the adults they were impersonating.

She entered and waited for the doors to scissor close. The speed of the fall gave her little time to realign her thoughts. They opened again to the exact same intensity of light and sound she observed when she arrived early in the afternoon, and after dinner when heading back to the room. Always the same. Day or night. Some said this town was magical. She thought it was perverted.

There were far fewer bodies sitting, standing, and walking. She quickly strode to the bank of machines Benjamin sat at when she left him nearly six hours before. He looked like he hadn’t moved at all. Eyes transfixed, legs bouncing up and down a mile a minute, a cup of coffee in his left hand, the right, flying over the buttons so quickly she could not synthesize the motive or the outcome. Playing the machine more like a well-trained cellist on a Stradivarius, than the demented cat playing with a terrified mouse, that he was at that moment. A cigarette hung from his mouth, the ashes falling to the armrest below.

Benjamin….Benjamin!….BENJAMIN!

His head rotating, his eyes held firm on the screen, “Hi Honey, I will be up soon.”

She moved to better see his face, “Benjamin, look at me.”

Pulling his hands back from the machine, extinguishing the cigarette, trying to smile, “What Babe?”

Light reflected off the thickening wetness that rounded the fold below her eyes.

“What Honey? Why are you crying? It’s okay. I just lost track of time,” his pupils still dialated. 

What had happened to the sweet, kind, considerate man she knew just hours before? She looked at the coffee and cigarette stains that created separations between his teeth and the gums as well. His face was oily and his hair, matted and separated. “You look like hell Ben. I have never seen you like this. I’m scared.”

”Honey, I’m good. Just blowing off some steam. This relaxes me.”

Malory sat down in the chair next to him, “Ben, you are anything but relaxed. You’re a mess.”

Wanting nothing more than her to go back upstairs and leave him to it, not wanting to leave the machine he knew would pay off. Giving him back the money he’d lost. “I am just tired from work. You know how hard I have been pushing. That’s all you are seeing. I am just finally releasing it. This helps me. I’ll be up in half an hour.”

”NO! Stop this Benjamin. Something is wrong with you. I don’t even know who you are right now. It’s like someone or something has taken over your mind.”

Feeling hope slip away, “Why are you so upset. I was just having fun. I lost track of time. That’s all that happened.”

”I know that’s not what is going on here. You know that’s not what’s going on here. The question is why are you lying to me?”

Knowing he had to fix this if he wanted to enjoy the rest of his time here, to be able to win back the money he lost, Benjamin moved his coffee to the shelf created by the housing of the monitor. Pushing the yellowed button that printed the ticket of his remaining stake, he grabbed her hand, “Let’s go. You’re right. It's really late. I’m tired.”

Malory stood to join him, her hand in his, she felt more alone than any time she could recall. As he started towards the elevator, Malory stopped. Releasing his hand, “Benjamin, what is going on in your head? Do you think I don’t see there is a problem? This is so much more than losing track of time. You have a problem.”

His eyes told her the stories he tried to keep hidden since the day she met him. Even as he spoke, “Honey, I am so sorry I didn’t come up when I said. You know how much fun this is for me. We haven’t been here in so long.”

She could see and hear the cogs turning inside his head, speaking the truth, undeterred by the word of his lies. He too was afraid. Not that it had happened, but that it might be revealed for what it was, called out, maybe taken from him.

They began for the elevators again. Malory plotting, questioning. Knowing what needed to be done, unsure of the words and timing. Ben plotting, questioning. Knowing what needed to be done, unsure of the words and timing.

As they reached their floor, Malory again grasped his hand, “I love you, Benjamin,” laying the groundwork. Establishing where she stood and where she was coming from.

Exiting the elevator, “I love you too Sweetheart,” he was fine. ‘Maybe no words were needed after all. Tomorrow all would be forgotten, except the credit card statements that would show his multiple pulls from the credit line’ the mind of an addict at work.

She slid the plastic card from the paper sheath, inserted it into the mechanism that verified rightful entry, and waited for it to shine green. It did. They went into the room together. She turned, “Hit the shower, you stink.”

Ben smiled. Wondering if she had forgotten, or forgiven, or whatever was needed, enough that he might find another pleasure to replace the one lost.

Malory went to the sofa, intent on Benjamin not getting the wrong idea. They would be staying up tonight, but not for what he was thinking about in the shower. Tonight would be the first night of the rest of their lives. She would fight, side by side, for the victory needed over evil. Battle the demons that plagued Benjamin. Nurse his wounds. Whatever it took. In a moment, she would know. Would Benjamin stand by her side and fight, with her, or just plain fight her?

Ben walked out of the shower, nude, hoping the message would carry, no more words needed.

Malory didn’t turn away, looking at him, up, then down, then into his eyes, “Get dressed. That might come later. But we need to talk.”

Mind racing, Ben moved slowly, each moment a chance to prepare. First sweats, ‘Don’t get upset. Keep it light. There is nothing to hide.’ Then a tee shirt, ‘Act shocked. Don’t admit anything. It will pass’

Malory tapped the couch beside her, “Come on. Whatever you are working on in that crazy mind of yours, tonight, let it go. The only thing we need to get through this is the truth and each other. The things you are working on in your head, you know they are a defense, I know they are a defense, the only problem is you are trying to defend an invader. Not our life. Our relationship. Our future. Now come. Sit.”

Fear filled his eyes as he sat. Inches farther than she knew he wanted. Malory moved closer. Taking his hands in hers, “We have a problem Benny. It is not you. It is not yours. It is ours to overcome together. I will fight night and day with you,” she moved even closer, taking his face into her hands, “Do you remember Gollum? From The Lord of the Rings?”

He nodded.

“Tonight, I met him personally. He scared the shit out of me Ben. I can’t let that man near our children, into our home, into our bed. I love you Benny, but you cannot allow that…., that thing, to touch our children, to touch me.”

Ben looked away, she knew, hoping not to cry, not to show any emotion or need.

“That won’t work anymore Benny. I love you with all that I am. But no more walls. No more hidden rooms. No catacombs that only you get to, or have to see.”

His eyes found her, his face following a moment later, “I don’t know how to do that. To be honest, I have been hiding my whole life,” tears rolling down his face, “I have been hiding so long, I’m not sure I know what all I’m hiding from.”

Malory rose, sitting back down in his lap. As he began to whale, she pulled him into her chest. Stroking his damp hair, then one side of his face, his body shaking. “I know all that Ben. I knew it before I married you. I knew I was willing to find and face all of it when you were ready. But tonight, I realized, I can’t wait for you to be ready. You are the only one who didn’t know that the time to face it had come.”

“Mal, I don’t know how to fix it! I don’t know what to do! Where to begin?”

“I know that sweetheart. I am not asking for you to have all the answers. I am telling you, that tonight, and tomorrow when you wake up, and every day after that one if you are willing, I will help you find the answers. We will find them together. I know enough to know that to beat that Gollum out of you, you will have to do much of the fighting by yourself, but not alone. I will stand with you. I will go anywhere and do anything with you and for you, but the decision to change has to be yours alone.”

Tears still falling, the sobs more muted, “I want that. I really do. But what if I fail?”

Malory leaned back so she was once again looking him in the eye, “I have never seen you fail at anything you put your mind to. I married a winner. You may be a gambler,” she smiled at him, “But you are a winner!”

He leaned to kiss her. The pressure of his lips, so light as to not even indent her own, “With you in my corner, I can’t imagine anyone placing a bet on Gollum to win. I will beat him, Sweetheart”

Malory kissed him long and hard. Then pulling away, “On you, I’ll take a gamble!”