First Snow Fall

First Snow Fall

I glanced outside of my apartment window and realized it was snowing out. I always loved this time of the year because my husband and I would have the time of our lives during the winter. We would go outside and throw snowballs at each other, build a snowman, and even ride on sleds. We would act like children. When we finished playing in the snow, we could come inside, sip on hot chocolate, and eat cookies by the roaring fire we made before leaving the house. I would cook dinner while he tended to the fire, ensuring it roared while we ate. This was a magical time for us; I thought it would last forever. 

Three years ago, during the winter, Gene, my husband, became sick. The doctors diagnosed him with stage 4 stomach cancer. He was in chemo when the first snow started to fall. “Hey, Gene, look, the first snow of the season. We are getting close to Christmastime. Our favorite holiday,” I said as I pointed out the window. 

“I see, but it's not the same. There will be no snowball fights or making a snowman.” Gene said as he looked away from the window. 

“Yeah, I know, but we can make the best out of this situation. Why don’t I get some hot chocolate?” I said as I headed towards the hospital room door.

“No. My stomach just turned once you mentioned it.” Gene said.

“Alright. Do you want me to bring some cookies that your mother made? We can enjoy them while we watch a Christmas movie.” I asked, hoping I could get him to eat something.

“No. I’m not that hungry.” Gene said as he continued to stare at the doorway to the hospital. 

I stayed in the room for a little while longer and waited until he fell asleep. I went home, lay in bed, and stared at the ceiling. I wasn’t able to fall asleep. I kept thinking that I was going to lose the love of my life. I thought about when my family moved into our house. I met Gene the day we moved in, and our parents became fast friends. Gene and I were childhood sweethearts and promised we would never be apart. I finally fell asleep but was woken up by the ring of my cell phone. It was the hospital; Gene took a turn for the worse, and I needed to come down to the hospital right away. 

I sped to the hospital, my heart was racing. I ran into the hospital, but the doctor stopped me before I could enter the room. He told me that Gene had died right before I arrived. I was numb. I couldn’t talk or think. I went into the room, and he was lying in the bed. I touched his face and told him that I love him and always will, no matter what. My mother-in-law arrived, and we hugged and cried. The doctor told us it was time to go, and we walked out of the room. I drove home and fell asleep on the couch. 

The next morning, I woke up, and it was snowing again, but I didn’t feel like enjoying the weather. My mother-in-law called me and picked me up so we could make arrangements for his funeral. I sat there while my mother-in-law made all the arrangements, and when she asked my opinion, I just agreed with what she wanted. I was numb. My life was over because he was gone. 

Three days later was Gene’s funeral, and it was lovely; we showed pictures and people said kind words about him. I gave the eulogy, and it was hard not to cry while making it. I knew I would never love again, and I vowed I would never love again. 

After the funeral, I became depressed. I quit my job, and I cut everyone out of my life. I barely got out of my pajamas. The spring came and went, as did the summer and fall. It became winter and Christmastime once again. I didn’t decorate this year. I just wanted to forget about the season and the holiday. My mother-in-law called me, but I didn’t answer; she knew it was my favorite time of year. She came by the apartment, and I watched her walk through the front door, I heard her knock at the apartment door, but I didn’t answer it. I went back to bed and fell back asleep. 

The next morning, I peeked outside the window, and there was a layer of snow on the ground. It was the first snow of the season. I smiled and walked outside. I went down the stairs and walked out to the mailbox. As I was walking back, I heard someone yell, “HEADS UP!!”

I turned around, and a snowball came flying at my face. I fell to the ground. I heard running in the snow as I lay there. I felt someone standing over me. “Are you alright? I am sorry. I threw the snowball at my dog, and he didn’t catch it. By the way, I am Ryan, and what’s your name?” Ryan asked as he helped me off the ground. 

“My name is Christine. It's alright.” I said as I smiled at Ryan. 

Ryan smiled at me and we made a good connection. Ryan helped me back upstairs to my apartment, and I invited him inside for a cup of coffee. He laughed and said, “I don’t drink coffee but if you have hot chocolate, I would love some of that.”

I smiled at him, and we talked the day away. We spoke about life and what challenges we faced. He told me about his wife who passed away a couple of years ago from breast cancer. I told him about Gene and the struggles he faced before he died. We laughed, we cried and we just talked. We had another commonality; we both loved Christmas time. We both went all out for Christmas. Well, I did until this year. “Where are your decorations?” Ryan asked as he looked around my apartment. 

“I wasn’t in the Christmas Spirit this year. I didn’t think it was right to decorate without Gene here,” I said as I took a sip of the hot chocolate. 

“I understand but let's decorate a little. Maybe just put up a tree or the stockings. Come on grab your tree and I’ll help you decorate it.” Ryan said as he finished up the hot chocolate. 

“It’s downstairs in the storage area,” I said as I finished my hot chocolate.

We went downstairs and grabbed my Christmas decorations and tree. We brought them upstairs and Ryan put up the tree. I made more hot chocolate and Ryan decorated the tree. We hung up the stocking and set up a couple more decorations. I cried when we were finished because it’s exactly how Gene would have set it up if he was still alive. Ryan rubbed my back to calm me down, which it did but it made me feel that my life might not be over and it was alright to move on. I felt safe with the man. We spend Christmas together so neither one of us would be alone. We knew we wanted to be together but we were both still raw from the loss of our loved ones. 

Spring came and went as did summer as did fall and once again it was Christmas time. Ryan once again went down to my storage area in the basement to get my tree so we could decorate it. I woke up hearing him stumbling around my apartment with his dog under his feet. I laughed at him and thought to myself how happy I was with Ryan in my life. But something caught my eye. I glanced outside of my apartment window and realized it was snowing out.