All For Naught

From a young age, I was deemed athletic. I did every sport imaginable to just try to get some type of competitive edge. My first sport was cheerleading (yes it is a sport). I did that for a few years before I began softball. I was a catcher and 1st baseman. I enjoyed it and I was pretty good. Then I discovered basketball. My older sister had been playing it so I was familiar with how the game went. When it was my time to play, even in 4th grade, I was good. I think a big reason that I was good was because I've always been tall. Since 5th grade I've been in a size 10 shoe. And that same year I think I was about 5'6". I'm 5'11" now.

As basketball became more and more intricate, I grew to love it even more. Then in junior high, I started to play volleyball. This was another sport which my height benefited my ability to play. I was an outside hitter and could slam the ball down with a quickness. I loved the look on the opponents' face when they realized they couldn't dig my hit.

Later on in the school year of my first year in junior high, I signed up for track and field. Again, primarily because my older sister did it and I wanted to be just like her. I didn't want to run so I decided to try out throwing shot put and discus. I was hooked. My first year competing, I went to the state meet for junior high and got on the podium! In 8th grade, I broke the record for our school's junior high, and went to the state meet again.

My coach was salivating over my potential. By the start of my freshman year, I was already the furthest discus thrower for my high school. I was out throwing seniors who had been doing this longer than me, and were stronger and more mature than me. Seniors, including my older sister who I idolized.

I didn't make it to state my freshman year of high school and took it hard. I made it onto the podium at regionals but only the top 4 go to state. My goal my sophomore year was to make it to state, whatever it took.

I trained over the summer and went to different throwing camps to try to further my distance. When I came back my sophomore year, the competition was even fiercer. They wrote an article in the newspaper about me because I was fighting for a place at the state meet. They titled it "Clawing Her Way Up". When I saw that, I realized that it wasn't just me who wanted to go to state, I had other people who were rooting for me. I couldn't let them down.

At the regionals meet, there were 6 girls who all threw about the same who were fighting for those top 4 spots. I was number 5 on that list. In the finals, on my last throw, I moved from 5th, to 3rd. And just like that, I went to state.

I placed 6th at state my sophomore year. That summer, I got several calls, emails, and letters from different colleges and universities expressing their interest in me attending their schools to throw. I was so excited. I'd never been sought after like this before.

Know that I knew I was getting college's attention, I wanted to try even more. I went to more camps and did more training. My goal my junior year was to break the school record in discus which was a little over 10 ft from what my personal record was.

I was at an invitational meet, on an overcast day (those were the days I threw the best) and on my 2nd to last throw, I threw 2 ft over the school record. I was ecstatic! I still had so many meets to go! What could I get this record to be before I graduate?

Then I went over to shot put, which I didn't really care for, and ended up hurting myself. As I went to do a half turn, I felt a shooting pain go down both of my legs starting at my hips. I thought I broke my hip. I had never been in this much pain before. My parents rushed me to the Emergency Room to see what was wrong. The doctors scanned me and all they could say is it might be growing pain. (I was 16 at the time and well past my growth spurts)

Since the doctors couldn't do anything, I continued to train and work as much as I could to impress these schools and to make my people proud. My junior year, I got 2nd at state!

That summer, I had serious college offers, many Division 1 schools were reaching out to me offering scholarships if I came and threw for them. I was so flattered and had to seriously start thinking about where I was going to go.

In the fall of my senior year, I committed to my college. The only other goal I had was to win state. As the year went on, my distance was not moving like it had in the past. Throughout each year in high school, I increased my personal record by a minimum of 10 feet each year. But my senior year, I was only able to increase it by 2 feet.

I was frustrated with my injury and with the fact the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Even my soon to be college coach was concerned with the pain I was feeling and how it was impacting my performance.

I finished my senior year winning regionals but getting 2nd at state again. Altogether, not a bad high school career.

Now it was time to start my collegiate career. The training was harder than anything I had been put through thus far. I threw discs that were twice the weight I threw in competition. I learned how to throw the hammer and the weight. I did Olympic lifts and crazy cardio workouts. I got so strong in just that first year. But my injuries were hindering it all. I couldn't do certain workouts because my hip pain would become too severe. I couldn't keep up with my teammates.

I finally went to a fancier doctor and had an MRI with contrast and the results showed that I had torn each labrum in my hips. This was why I was in so much pain. We tried physical therapy, a chiropractor, dry needling, icing it, heating it, medicine. Pretty much everything in the book but nothing was helping.

Eventually, my coach gave me a choice. "You can either get surgery to fix your hips now, and try to come back next year, or you can compete this year and get surgery in the summer"

I decided to compete my freshman year because I was worried I wouldn't be the same after surgery. I got to travel to Texas and California. I witness people throwing well over 200ft with ease. It was a sight to see.

Summer rolled around and it was time to get surgery. After surgery, it is a 9-11 month recovery. I was prepared to miss the indoor track season but was hoping to be back for outdoor season.

My recovery was going well and they told me that I have to get the other one done and would miss this entire year. It broke me. I spiraled down a dark hole and ended up making a lot of poor decisions.

In between my hip surgeries, I was walking my friends to a house party and on my way back, I was struck my a car while walking across the street. I was hospitalized for 5 days and had many injuries that made my life hard, including a concussion, a cracked head, a broken orbital bone, and several lacerations on my body.

After I was healed from my accident, I had my other hip surgery. The recovery was harder than the first one because now I was struggling mentally on top of physically.

I eventually was healed up and ready to start training again. Yes, after all of that, I still wanted to train and compete. It was different though. No matter how much I tried, I could not get to where I was before all this happened. I was lifting and doing cardio. I was eating right. I was putting the reps in but there was no progress.

I cried over it for a long time. I felt useless and hopeless. It got to the point where I didn't know if I even wanted to do this anymore. Was all this mental stress worth it? I had always wanted to be an Olympian but I don't know if I can make it past this.

My first year back was coming to a close and then everything was shut down due to Covid-19. While I was at home with my parents, my coached called me and offered to medically red shirt me. This would mean, I would still be on the team, maintain my scholarship, but I wouldn't compete due to the things I'd been through.

Relief filled my body. I was so worried throughout all of this that everyone would be mad or disappointed in me. To my surprise, everyone was very understanding and supportive with my decision to stop training and competing.

Looking back now, I am thankful for everything I went through because it forced me to look at things from a different perspective. I have now seen the dark side of athletics and can help future athletes with their own decision.