Not Again

Not Again

My teacher used to say,” if you can see it, you can achieve it.” The same thing happened every year, I wrote down the resolutions by Christmas day, and by Valentine’s day, I had broken all the important ones. Not this year; I’m determined to make a vision board…they say they work. Posting one up in my office at work and one on the refrigerator here at home. This way, others can keep me accountable. So, I can return to my high school weight by our fortieth reunion in June.

Not sure if what I see in my mind’s eye is even a vision board, but anyway, here I go…

Picture one, my sister snapped this last year at Nana’s when I swore I didn’t need a cigarette with every cup of coffee. Picture two (me chewing a pencil and checking the time during a regional meeting with a coffee cart) was snapped by Stephen the previous year in early February, just before I kicked the proverbial wagon down in the lake. Picture three my ashtray in my home office that says work causes smoking and coffee consumption. It’s legible whenever the ashtray is clean, ironically. Picture four, my birthday mugshot, YES, arrested for a healthcare banner for American Heart Association’s fundraising project; we raised six hundred dollars (I couldn’t lie to raise more; I smoked at bingo). In my defense, they didn’t have an empty seat in the nonsmoking room. The last one, the graduation photo, was taken on April 24, 1983; I remember it because that was my ex-boyfriend’s birthday. In that picture, I was a perfect size twelve.

Captions above each photo need to be a true statement. I drink coffee when? I smoke when? When do I do both? Photo one I do both when family members stress me out. Photo two I’m not smoking but anxiously awaiting a break. I’ll eat lunch with a soda, juice, water, or a shake. Photo three doesn’t tell the true story; my home office is the only place I don’t drink coffee; I have a five-thousand-dollar computer system, and I don’t let anyone drink in there. When I have clients over, we have drinks in the kitchen outside my office. Photo four should have spoken to me; I started helping AHA thirty-seven years ago after mom’s first heart attack; I lost her in 1995. The last photo is what I want to look like again.

I have put tomorrow off for years…Making it this time means the world to me. I am fifty-six, and at this moment, drinking Go-Lightly for my first colonoscopy. I can only have clear liquids for the next twenty-four hours. No coffee or cigarettes for 72 hours. If I can go three days without a cigarette, I can quit.

Good, I’m still alive… wow, I’m sore. Wait, what the heck, where am I? Ms. Walker, calm down; welcome back! You gave us a scare. It’s January 4, 2023; you’ve been in a coma since November 30^th. What do you remember? Struggling to think, can’t swallow, looking around, confused about the handcuffs. Stop, don’t do that; that tube is your feeding tube.

Confused… I remember counting backward from 100, 99, 98… hmm, the colonoscopy was on the 30^th. Why? What happened? Can I have some water? I remember nothing after 97. Where am I?

You’re in TCH, the Transition Care Hospital. You’re loved; by doctors, nurses, family, and many friends who have called and visited. Everyone left your room teary-eyed. No one would give up, however. Your friend, Peaches, has been right there on that cot. She has learned how to do your care and would not leave you alone. We had no idea when you arrived that you were an author. Your doctor has been notified that you are awake. Unfortunately, the speech therapists will have to approve something to eat or drink. Girl waking up was the first step. I’ll be back with your next feeding in an hour. Are you feeling any pain? You have medicines due in thirty minutes, but I haven’t seen my other patients yet. If you are okay, I’d like to bring everything together in an hour. What’s wrong, girl? You’re alive. Don’t cry!

I don’t know why I am crying! Maybe I am anticipating what the doctors will say. Did I do this to myself? Smoking for so many years. Did I have a heart attack? My mother had several heart attacks before her death in 95. I also learned last year that my birth mom passed away because of heart complications. I should have been diligent about quitting. My dad is the only one from the immediate family that ever smoked other than me.

I wanted to fit in with the “in crowd” in high school. Later my husband became a chain smoker, and I admit the smell of his pipe was alluring. I never smoked a pipe, but I did roll my cigarettes until I settled on Newport or Satin menthol. Like friends, I complained about every price increase but found myself putting a carton into the shopping cart once a month. I would lie to myself that I could quit smoking anytime I wanted. First, I said work was stressing me out. Then I blamed the divorce and how his affair with the babysitter stressed the family dynamics. The truth is we just fell out of love. Some high school sweethearts have made it work for decades. We forgot to nurture the relationship between new clients and children around the sixth year of building our business. We began to make empty promises and tried to pencil each other in. When a former client sued us, that was “the final straw that broke our marriage’s back. The lawsuit against us pulled us into court every month for two years to eventually pay the case.

Ms. Walker, I’m Dr. Helms covering this weekend for the U.M.A. staff. Nice to see you’re awake. We will be doing many tests to get you back on the mend. Can you tell me where we are? University of Virginia hospital. Oh, no, TCH. What happened to me? (flailing my handcuffed arms). Without further testing, I can’t answer that. I can remove those restraints if you promise that you won’t pull out any tubes. Physical and Speech therapy will be around sometime today to start the battery of tests, so we can see if you can swallow regular foods and liquids. From the Neurological standpoint, things seem fine. It looks as though you decided to take a long-needed nap.

Nonetheless, I don’t smoke anymore. A smile crept across my lips.