My Dear Julia

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of death

I didn't expect to wake up again once my eyes closed for what I thought was the very last time. It was a peaceful moment. I had anticipated it for a while but I didn't expect it to feel so serene. The doctors told me I was terminal. They had given me three months to live but I managed to make it to six.

As my body gave me my last breath, I felt the soft touch of my wife's hand in mine and watched the hospital room around me darken as I fell into eternal rest. The last thing I saw was her face wearing a brave smile despite her teary eyes. She was utterly beautiful. I passed to the smell of lilies, the flowers Julie planted in our front garden for the past 55 years. I wouldn't have wanted my death to be any other way.

I was very confused when I awoke again. I looked down expecting to see my hands, my torso, my legs, but I saw nothing. I moved my hands in front of my face but again, nothing was there. The last plausible idea I had was to slap myself. So I did. I embraced for impact but what felt like my hand flew past where I anticipated my face to be. I knew something was off. There was no way I had the mobility to land such a clean slap in the first place. It was then I came to the conclusion, that I also had no face.

I was expecting to feel panicked, but I was calm. I quickly realised that I was in the comfort of my own living room, spectating it from above. Many memories had been made in this room through the years. It had always brought me immense joy. The living room looked like an art piece. A red patterned carpet lay where it always did in the middle of the spruce floor. There were intricate wooden banisters outlining the perimeter of the room, with carved designs climbing up the corners of the walls. Pops of colour burst from the bookshelves and reflections of metallic candle holders and picture frames sitting on the mantelpiece, were illuminated by the golden sunset rays. The fireplace looked like it hadn't been lit in a long time, probably not since I lit it last.

"Mom?" It was my daughter, Katrina. She stood next to the large book cabinet near the entrance of the room. She was wearing denim dungarees and looked heavily pregnant. It must have been a few months since I had passed. She had just told us she was pregnant at that time. Worry clouded her face.

Julia sat in the rocking chair on the opposite end of the room. Her grey hair was thrown into a wiry bun, strands of hair sticking out like twigs in a bird's nest. She was absorbed by multiple layers of Granny-squared blankets. Her wrinkles had deepened, etching an aged and withered look on her face.

"Mom," Katrina sighed. She waddled over to Julia, holding her baby bump and sat on the armchair next to her.

"You can't keep locking yourself up in here. You need to come out of the house for a while. John and I were thinking that you could come stay with us," Katrina said. Julia's expression didn't change. She stared blankly at the floor, disconnected from reality.

"Mom please. It is important you get up and move around. You have to look after your health," Katrina pleaded. Julia didn't budge. Katrina leaned forward, placing her elbows on her knees. She buried her face in her hands and sighed shakily.

I was taken aback. Despite not having a body, I could feel pain. I didn't expect this. I thought my Julia would be okay on her own. It broke my heart not being able to be there for her. Despite this feeling, I felt a sense of pride looking at the caring nature of my daughter. It was fulfilling to know Julia and I raised her to have such a kind heart. I knew for certain from that moment, that she was going to be a wonderful mother.

I tried to move from the ceiling somehow and to my surprise, I floated in the air towards Julia and Katrina. I placed myself between the rocking chair and the armchair.

I looked from my daughter to my wife, overwhelmed by emotions. I never thought I'd ever see them again, and here I was sat between them both.

"I didn't think it'd be this hard without him," Julia mumbled, breaking the silence. Katrina took her face out of her hands and looked concerningly at her mother. Julia continued to stare absently at the floor.

"I thought that after having heard the initial diagnosis, that I would have enough time to process the pain. But that reality didn't hit until he was gone." The room was silent again for a moment.

"He was by my side for over 60 years. And now the space he took up in my life, is empty."

I let out a deep breath. "My Dear, I am still here with you," I said, hoping that she'd hear me. Tears rolled down my cheeks, or at least it felt like it. I tried to reach to place a strand of hair hanging over her face behind her ear, not seeing my arm or hand. As I brushed across her face, she flinched slightly. I jumped, holding my breath. She gently raised her head and gazed at Katrina, pain flickering in her eyes. Katrina smiled softly, placing her hand on Julia's knee.

"We are here for you. You just have to let us in."

Julia hesitated for moment before gently nodding.

"Come with me. John and I will bring over your things. I don't want you to worry. We are here for you, even with our baby on the way," Katrina said reassuringly, rubbing her mother's knee.

Julia closed her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat. I could sense she was apprehensive. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone.

"Go, my Dear. You need this," I whispered. Julia pursed her lips together, a tear pushing its way through a closed eye. I got up and lightly kissed her forehead. Her eyes suddenly began to open and from there, she nodded in agreement to Katrina. Shortly after, the room started to close in. Katrina and Julia disappeared from my sight and the warming comfort of perpetual peace came over me once again.

I had been summoned a handful of times over the years. But the frequency declined as time went on. Julia was doing better every time I saw her. All she needed was the occasional push to keep going.

"I don't know what happened, she was doing fine for so long. She was up and about, she was socialising, she had become so independent. But today my mother would've been married 60 years to my father. He's been gone for five years," Katrina explained anxiously to a middle-aged man in blue scrubs and a white lab coat; A man I could only assume was a doctor. I looked around frantically, trying to figure out where I was. I had spawned in the midst of chaos. There were sounds of beeping, people crying, sirens blaring and now I was suddenly standing next to Katrina.

It didn't take me long to realise that I was stood in a hospital. I took a deep breath and placed a comforting hand on Katrina's shoulder. I turned around to see John and a small child with him. It was Maria, my gorgeous granddaughter. She must have been around four or five at this time. I felt so incredibly lucky to have gotten the chance to watch her grow. She was fast asleep on John's lap, her blonde pigtail hanging from his knees. John looked exhausted. His head kept dropping as he fell in and out of sleep.

"Unfortunately your mother's heart has weakened. Given your parent's anniversary and your mother's age, we believe that she may experiencing what is called Broken Heart Syndrome," the doctor explained. Katrina raised an eyebrow. 

"My advice to you would be to be there for her."

"How long does she have left?" Katrina asked apprehensively, holding her breath. 

"Not long. We believe she may only have a few hours left. We are doing everything we can to make her as comfortable as possible. We urge you to please let us know if we can do anything for you and your family. We're sorry Mrs. Russell."

Katrina's bottom lip started to quiver. 

"Thank you Doctor." Katrina turned around, wiping tears away with the back of her hand and made her way towards her family to wake them up.

"Come on, it is time to say goodbye now," Katrina said, smiling bravely to Maria. John cast her a worried glance. Katrina gave him a stern nod, indicating she was ready, before taking Maria's hand. Together, we made our way inside the room. Julia lay in bed, hooked up to a monitor. A small pulse interrupted the cardiac line, incrementally decreasing. 

"Hello Honey," Julia murmured. A gentle smile rose across her face. Katrina smiled back, John took Maria from Katrina's hand and picked her up. She quickly fell asleep again on John's shoulder. Katrina made her way to her mother, kneeling next to the right of her bed. 

"It is time for me to go now," Julia said weakly, still wearing a warm expression. I made my way over to the left side of the bed.  

"Dad is waiting for you," Katrina said, a tear spilling onto her cheek. Julia inhaled before speaking, her body getting weaker. She nodded gently.

"I know," she smiled, forcing out the shaky words. Katrina lay her hand on her forearm. On the other side of the bed, I tried to take Julia's hand. Unexpectedly, she turned to look at me with weary eyes and took my hand in hers. I watched her emerald eyes sparkle as she took her turn to pass on.

"I'm right here. See you soon, my Dear Julia", I smiled, tears spilling down my face.

As her eyes slowly closed, I felt death softly tug me back to rest. The hospital room around me slowly faded out of sight. As I fell back into my eternal trance, I felt Julia's soft hand in mine before passing on to the faint scent of lilies.