Blue

“You’ll never know until you try”, the last words Dad told me before he got into the accident. He tried his hardest to get me out of this-this dark abyss my mind had come into. I was consumed by demons, intangible fungi rotting my brain from the inside out, he watched helplessly as he could do nothing. The feeling was rooted in my heart for months and it tore me to shreds, life was losing its meaning and I was sinking into the murky deep. Once he noticed he never left my side, he tried to softly remodel me as a skilled potter would, he took hours out of his day’s to make inches of progress to get me back, fighting hellfire inside my head for me… endlessly. I was so stuck in my way that I could not feel his warm embrace, a viciously cold iceberg I was stuck in and he was trying to chip me out. Hours turned to day and days turned to months, his diligent support yielded little positive progression, I could not get better, would not. My languish so deep that my impending doom became comfort and I basked in it. I would not eat for days, would not speak for weeks, my place of refuge was my bed, my language was spoken through my tears, I was hopeless… 

The day of the accident, I lay in my sullen bed, defeated by my existence. Dad came into my room, he could feel the hollow shell of a person radiating pain, laying motionless in the dark corner of the room. He slowly stepped to me, examining every fiber of hair on my frail head. He sat down on the corner of my bed farthest from me. He said nothing for many moments, as if he was trying to catch the stream of time and pause it so he could be with me in the moment. “You are in the sea of your head… It is thundering and storming right now and you feel like this is the end, but you have a choice… to sink or swim… you can drown in your sorrow and let it consume you whole… or you can swim, fight the waves, keep your head above water and let the storm pass, but…”, he softly ran his fingers through the course tufts of my hair, “you’ll never know until you try…” He sat in the dark lonely corner of my bed for a moment, just looking… I could feel his spirit trying to instill life into me, to give his energy, so even for a second I could feel better, but he couldn’t, he was merely human, and all his power was in irrelevant combinations of symbols we call words. Dad stood up, shed a single tear, full of sadness and anger, and left my hollow room like a ghost. I heard every single word he said, I heard the letters, the meaning behind each sound he uttered, they branded my brain like hot steel spelling out “love”, I tried with my whole being to turn toward him, to give one acknowledging glance, but I am weak and I did not.

The weight of the abyss sucked me into a slumber, I dreamed of colors, blues and grays and blacks, indescribable shapes flashing in my vision, creatures blurred from view hiding in the folds of my brain. I woke up with the sinking sun's light crawling out of my room, leaving distorted shadows of objects to add to the dimented beings in my mind. I looked at my phone and had a multitude of missed calls, texts, and voicemails from everyone I knew, it is alarming but I paid it no mind. I still layed in my bed for a moment, watching the godly rays of sun make their departure for the nightly turn of the globe, I too wish I were like the rays of the sun, able to leave, to be free, to have no other purpose but to illuminate the far reaches of space. 

I slowly jacked my weak body upright, the aches of being imobile filled my joints, stiff shivers consumed my body as I stretched outwards preparing myself to stand. I stood on my own two frail feet, the polished oak wood planks were cold, they sucked the heat from my feet and sent an ominous chill down my spine. I walked along the corridor outside of my room passing the bathroom and guest room approaching the stairs. I stood at the top of the banister looking at the floor below listening. There was no sound, no vibration, no voices… Just silence… Not even the occasional mouse that inhabited the walls scurried along the floors. I could not recall when Mom or Dad returned home usually, the mental fog in my head eroded any recollection of time sensitive things. I walked down the stairs, each step felt like a mile in a long intense marathon, the feebleness of my body exaggerated every step's difficulty. I made it to the bottom of the stairs and passed through the living room to reach the kitchen, the tv was playing faintly, a conglomerate of moving objects and colors moved aimlessly across the screen as I passed. I took a glance at what was on the tv; a head on collision, 1 dead on site, road’s stopped for miles, the usual news broadcast run down, but something at last glance caught my eye. The two cars displayed on the tv were badly mangled, heapes of medal, glass, and fluids were meshed together like play-doh in the scene of the accident, the cars were beyond recognition, but one license plate was fully intact and fully in view. The plate read “BUBBY”, this was Dad’s nickname… I was utterly confused, this had to be some sort of joke, I looked harder at the tv screen, looking as if there was fine print inscribed in the radiants of it. I scanned the displayed scene over and over, seeing the same license plate showing the five letters. I did not want to believe it, I would not believe it, I grabbed my phone and opened it, the first message that I saw that popped onto my screen was; 

Mom (sent 30 mins ago)

: Dad didn’t make it

In that very moment, my whole being fractured, each atom I was made of seemed to splinter into oblivion, my vision went blurry, objects turned to mush in my view, the last bit of strength vanished and I fell out onto the floor. My heart wanted to cease beating, the blood in my vessels curdled and lurched through me, the many thoughts and emotions churning in my head ripped my neurons apart into nothingness… I was nothing in this moment, I wish I would withered away in the wind to drift far off, the sadness that I had endured in that moment filled my lungs and left me without air to breathe. I lay on the ground in a puddle of my own tears, they flowed from my eyes like a cryptic waterfall, I could not stand the thought that my last moment with my Dad was of sadness and pain, this morbid memory will be etched jaggedly in my memory forever. I’m sorry Dad… I am so so sorry…

Five months later…

 “ I am still hollow, like the shells of pistachios strewn about on the ground, but I am improving. Today I went to a park for the first time in a year, the sun felt really nice on me, it was very warm and inviting, I almost started to feel no pain. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Dad… I made my choice, and I want to swim… I am fighting every wave that crashes down on my head, and it is hard, but I have to do this, for you… 

Xoxo”

I closed the journal and clutched it in my hands, the journal was nearly full, many of the pages folded with notes sticking out of them from reference and marks covering the entirety of it from heavy use. I stared deeply at midday society out the empty cafe window I huddled in, ripping and running without second thought of life, love, sacrifice. Expressionless faces roamed the streets acting on the day’s toil, the masses moved as an ameba, moving without purpose, existing for survival. I have finally started to heed Dad’s helpful word’s, it pains me beyond words to get better in his absence, but his absence is not in vain. I will forever have a hole in my soul gaping so large that entities far and wide could pass, however it is being mended little by little by my effort and I am so proud of it. As I sat there I ever so gently smiled, I reminisced on Dad’s last words spoken to me “you’ll never know until you try”, I thought about it daily, even in the tragedy of the situation I smile, I finally tried…Thank you Dad…