The Echo Of A Father

Ashik’s POV

I’m stuck. Stuck in this house, stuck in this world. I can’t breathe. It hasn’t even been long since I have been married. I told myself I’d be different. I turn on the radio in the car, hoping to distract myself from the memories of him. 

I’m almost wishing to get into a car accident right now. I know I sound like a mad man. I left home at 3 in the morning, I packed my bags and I left. A drink in one hand and the steering wheel in another. I sip at the drink, feeling the burning sensation down my throat. I don’t want to feel anything, be anything, or even be around anything. Not even Rina. 

God, Rina. I want to tell her, but I can’t, I shouldn’t and I won’t. She doesn’t need to see this version of me. She has too much on her plate. My head starts to spin and I pull over on the highway. I look at the empty bottle in front of me as I drop it to the ground. I look behind the seat searching for more, but only found a whole lot of nothing but useless empty bottles from the past. I told myself I'll clean it out later.

 “Damn,” I say out loud, throwing my head back against the grey seat checking the time on my phone. 4 am. I chuck my phone in the back as I let out a cracked gasp, hoping, praying that I don’t start crying now. ‘Men don’t cry unless you’re weak and pathetic’ the voice in the back of my head exclaims. I bit my lip in frustration until the taste of iron spews into my mouth. “Shit.” I grab a napkin to help with the little damage. A part of me wants to keep driving, another part wants to jump off this George Washington Bridge, 

Is Rina better off without me? I can’t shake this feeling of hatred. To myself, and to him. 

“I really need another drink” I whisper to myself. My phone begins to ring and I check the caller ID. Rina. Hesitant to answer I click the green button anyways. 

“H-hello?” I clear my throat. 

“Where are you? It is almost 5 am and you are nowhere to be found, Ashik. And why the hell is your location turned off??” Rina continues to berate me. I know I shouldn’t be annoyed but I am. I just want to be left alone and she is not even giving me that luxury. “Rina,” I say sternly. Clutching my phone in my hand tighter as the seconds pass by. “No Ashik. I don’t know what you are up to. Or what you are doing. Or where the hell you even are.” I hear the desperation in Rina’s voice. “I'm sorry,” I say, although even I don't think it’s convincing. 

“You are not sorry. Ashik Singh, I have not told you all the other times you have done it. All the other times you have left thinking I would not notice! But I want you home. I don't care what the problem is or what you are doing, I want my husband back. If you don't come back by the end of tomorrow we will have some issues. You will force me to make a choice, Ashik.” And with that, Rina hangs up the phone. 

I can’t tell her, she doesn't deserve this, she doesn't need me. I can easily jump off this bridge and everything will be fine. I look to the right of me at the sight of the bridge. I open my car door as I walk to the edge. The bridge is empty as of now, with no one in sight. I can easily do this. I won’t have to think of him, or the pain I am causing her. This lump in my throat will be gone and this beating in my chest will disappear. 

“You don't have it in you. A man always goes through what they say. Every bone in your body is weak” the voice in my head taunts me. I would love it if it would shut up. “Rina… forgive me my beautiful Meri Jaan…” 

“Mr. Singh, can you hear me?” A raspy voice says. I feel empty. As if I am not alive, almost as if I'm floating. 

“Mr. Singh.” The voice says once again. I slowly open my eyes. I look around my surroundings. A man dressed in what appears to be a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck. 

“Mr. Singh, we thought we lost you. My name is Doctor, Larsen. How are you feeling?” I take a moment to respond. I see Rina in the corner of the room staring straight at me. Her eyes are red and puffy. 

“Um, I am feeling fine,” I respond to the doctor but I am still looking at Rina. 

“Mr Singh, You did suffer from a bit of hypothermia but you are mostly stable now. I have consulted with psych. EMT also found beer bottles in your car. It is decided that you will be transferred to a psychiatric hospital. You are required to stay for one month and you will be watched over during your time there, and given antidepressants. You will also be working with a support group.” 

“I understand, Doctor,” I look down at my hands, suddenly they are the most interesting thing in the world. 

“I will give you two some privacy.” The doctor nods and heads out the door. 

“Are you dumb, Ashik?” Rina yells. 

“We are married, for god's sake! What the hell were you thinking? Is it me? Did you want to get away from me so bad that you fucking decide that you want to drown? Or did you decide you wanted to have a little swim?” Rina was flaring her arms around as she was pacing back and forth.  

“It’s Dad..” I whisper under my breath.

Rina stopped pacing and her eyes averted towards me. “What did you say?” Rina asks. 

“Dad. He’s in my head.” I look out the window at the bright blue sky and chirping birds.