About Face

His thoughts were like the light dappling through the trees, wavering, just out of focus. He felt certain if he could just make one connection his path would become clear, just as the dense forested path he was running had opened into a peaceful sun-filled meadow. He certainly hadn’t planned to take on a father role but then he never figured on a car crash leaving him without a sister and his nephew without parents either. What the hell was Cari thinking anyway. She knew I was a loner. Running had become Jake’s drug of choice since his discharge. The farther he ran, the greater the head space between him and whatever was bugging him, but today the high just wouldn’t come. Each mile demanded more of him with the thoughts closing in at an equal pace until he dropped to his knees releasing a feral angry moan.

* * * * * *

It took Jake two tries to open the door into the lawyer’s office. After wiping the sweat of trepidation from his hand, he tried again only to find himself staring down at his hand frozen on the dull, stainless knob. It was the prim tone of the receptionist’s voice that drew him from his daze.

“There’s no need to knock, Mr. Sivil is expecting you,” the receptionist said with a puzzled look on her face.

“Um, yeah, thanks.”

Jake squared his shoulders and released a quiet sigh as he entered the room.

“Hello Mr. Ardon, please come in,” the lawyer said as he stood to welcome Jake. Noting the dazed and confused look he had seen on so many other soon-to-be parents he turned his outstretched hand toward the seat at the front of his desk. “Please, have a seat.” It was a look he took to be a good sign. A sign that Jake had given serious consideration to his decision. A decision he was perhaps still agonizing over.

His hands already clammy again, Jake avoided shaking hands and the customary small talk by quickly taking a seat. Smoothing his hands down his pant legs, Jake began.

“So, what if I take Liam and things don’t work out? Can I still put him up for adoption?”

“Mr. Ardon, we’ve been over this. If you decide you don’t …”

“You said I had to make a decision. We didn’t talk about what happened if it turned out to be the wrong decision.”

“That’s why we have extensive background checks, psych evaluations, and multiple visits to the new guardian’s home. As Liam’s appointed guardian at litem, I have reviewed every report carefully and I didn’t find a single red flag. There will be mandatory counseling sessions for the first six months as well to insure Liam and you are adjusting. But, as I told you before Mr. Ardon, if you don’t want the boy, now is the time to say so.”

Jake ran both hands through his hair and blew out an exasperated sigh as he tried to gather his thoughts.

“It’s not that I don’t love Liam. The handful of times he’s been to my place, we got along fine, but his parents were with him. It’s pretty easy to be a Disneyland Dad for a long weekend but eight to ten years changes everything.”

“I understand this is a life altering decision for you Mr. Ardon but Liam’s life has been altered as well. This isn’t some deal we’re brokering here. Taking custody of Liam only to return him could cause irreparable damage.”

“But what if I cause irreparable damage? What then? What about where he’s staying now, with my sister’s friend, Hope. . .Carlton, I think is her last name? She has a boy the same age as Liam.”

“Since the authorities weren’t able to locate you the night of the accident, Ms. Carlton agreed to take Liam until the funeral. All of my investigations indicate she is a good parent but the courts are not going to grant her permanent custody since she is a single parent. You are Liam’s only next of kin. Liam’s parents named you as his guardian in the event of their death. You told me when we met yesterday that your sister had discussed this with you and you had agreed.”

What the hell was I supposed to say? Jake lamented. Sorry sis, a kid would cramp my solitary lifestyle? Nobody ever thinks they’ll actually be thrown that curve ball.

The lawyer looked thoughtfully at Jake as he splayed his hands on the desk. “I’m very sorry for your loss, Mr. Ardon but if you refuse to take custody, Liam will be put into the foster care system and you will forfeit all rights, including visitation. I must have your decision before the funeral on Friday in order to facilitate proper arrangements for Liam’s placement should you decide not to take custody.”

* * * * * *

Jake’s tension eased as he wound his way home through the Carolina foothills. Jake liked his home the way he liked his life – simple. A bedroom, bathroom and living room made up his three-room cabin. A small island counter was the only separation between the living room and galley kitchen. The larger, more impressive cabin next door sat vacant except for the times Liam and his parents came for a visit. Jake would stay in the larger cabin when they were there but the smaller cabin was what felt like home. Jake’s parents had bought the two cabins and the hundred acres that came with it intending to turn it into a Bed and Breakfast mountain retreat. Now he was trying to envision what home would look like with Liam in it. When Jake and Liam planned an early morning hunting trip Liam would bunk on the sofa in Jake’s cabin so they didn’t disturb Cari and John. Maybe I could build a loft room for Liam, Jake thought. He pulled his jeep off to the side of the road against the steep mountainous terrain he had just stepped out from the morning the forest ranger had spotted him in his rearview mirror and stopped. Hair standing on the back of Jake’s neck stirred old war memories. It was that sudden knowing that something bad was about to happen and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

           “Jake Ardon?” the ranger had asked as he removed his hat, tucking it under his arm.

           “Yeah,” Jake replied with his jaw stiffened as though he were preparing for a blow to the face.

           “There’s been an accident …”

Jake clenched his fists as if he were preparing to force the atrocity into retreat.

           “Your sister and brother-in-law didn’t make it. I’m sorry.”

           “Liam?,” Jake asked in a husky voice, his eyes widening in fear.

           “The boy got lucky. A few cuts and bruises, nothing major. It happened last night. The hospital tried to get in touch with you. The Sheriff went to your place and called our office when the guy from the gas station told him you’d stopped in for gas yesterday morning. Can I give you a ride home?”

           “Not necessary. I’m parked at the scenic lookout below,” Jake had said pointing across the road and down the mountain from where he had just come.

Now Jake stood staring down the mountain recalling the elusive peace he had felt staring up at the night sky, wondering when or if he would ever find it again. Every reason he came up with for not taking Liam paled in comparison when weighted against the loss Liam had endured. Were his concerns about his ability to parent Liam genuine or were they just a convenient coverup for his own insecurities he could take comfort in?  And there was the crux of his fear. Without the answer to that question, he knew peace would remain elusive.

* * * * * *

Just as he was getting back in his jeep, Jake’s cell rang. He recognized the law firm’s number.

Jake answered with apprehension in his voice, “Hello.”

It was the receptionist. “Mr. Ardon?”

“Yes”

“Please hold for Mr. Sivil.”

Jake heard two staccato beeps before the lawyer spoke. “Mr. Ardon …”

“Yeah, yes” Jake muttered impatiently.

I have a letter here from your sister. According to her lawyer, she wrote it after the will was drawn up designating you as Liam’s guardian. It was in a separate file. It was couriered to my office as soon as it was discovered.

Jake swallowed hard. What does it say?

I don’t know. It’s addressed to you. Our couriers have left for the day but I can get it to you first thing in the morning.

           Jake contemplated, Maybe she had found someone else to take Liam … someone better… another way … where he could still be in Liam’s life. “No, I’ll be there in thirty minutes” he said and ended the call before Mr. Sivil could respond. Jake tossed the phone onto the passenger seat, hit the brakes and spun the jeep around.

* * * * * *

Jake’s mood, like the weather, had begun to change. Clouds of confusion cluttered his mind.

As Jake drove, he convinced himself the letter would be an apology from Cari for putting him through this hell but she had to do what she felt was best for Liam. She was going to validate all his self-imposed doubts and resolve him of any parental responsibility and he could return to his solitude. To his bewilderment, that thought only made him feel worse. By the time Jake arrived his mood was as volatile as the darkened clouds overhead. Jake entered the lawyer’s office to find the receptionist desk vacant and the door leading to Sivil’s office partly opened. Jake wrapped on the door once and entered not waiting for an invitation. Jake saw the letter on Sivil’s desk as he sat down and recognized Cari’s handwriting on the envelope.

           Jake looked up from the envelope to Mr. Sivil. “So what if she came to her senses and realized I wasn’t what was best for Liam? What if she named someone else guardian? Would I be able to visit Liam then?”

           “I doubt that’s the case Mr. Ardon. I’m not privy to the content of the letter. However, it’s likely your sister discussed its content with her lawyer. If she had given him any indication that she had changed her mind about guardianship, her lawyer would have advised her to change her will to reflect such changes.”

           “But maybe there wasn’t time to change the will or maybe the change is still being processed. It’s possible, right? I mean this letter was delayed so …”

           “Yes, I suppose anything’s possible,” Mr. Sivil said struggling to contain his frustration. “If that were the case and given your apprehension, Liam would most likely be placed in a temporary foster home until all the legalities could be sorted out. But Mr. Ardon, why don’t you just read the letter and then we’ll determine where to go from there?”

           “You wouldn’t have to put him in a foster home. He could stay with me. I can do temporary. It’s the lifetime I’m having a problem with.”

           Mr. Sivil stood, signaling he was ending the conversation. He looked sympathetically at Jake and said, “I’ll give you some privacy to read the letter. You can find me in the reception area when you’re done.”

Jake picked up the letter and turned it over slowly, examining it as though it were a puzzle he was trying to solve. He stood and went to find Mr. Sivil. “I’ve changed my mind,” he said as he stood in the doorway. “I want to take Liam home with me after the funeral.”

           Mr. Sivil looked from Jake to the unopened letter he held in his hand and recognized the conviction he had been hoping to see on Jake’s face all along. “Alright then, let’s step back into my office and you can sign the paperwork.”