Shadows From the Past

“Mum!” Tilly called, “Where’s the ice cream?” Her stomach rumbled loudly and she imagined how nice it would be to have a spoonful of that soft sugary creaminess run down her dry throat. She grunted with impatience whilst waiting for a reply.

Katy’s voice drifted through the ceiling, “I don’t know! Get ready – we’re leaving soon.” 

Esme hid behind the doorframe and watched, a guilty look on her face, as her older sister sighed with exasperation.

“What?” Tilly spat, grumpy now because of the lack of sugar in her body.   

“Um… I- I kind of, might’ve, accidentally on- on purpose–” Her confession was cut short when Pip, Robbie’s cat, meowed annoyedly, demanding her breakfast.

“Whatever Esme, I’m too tired for this, just feed Pip.”  Esme didn’t argue. It was better to feed a cat than have a scolding from angry teenage Tilly.

The oldest sibling, Robbie, was away in college and would be staying with some friends during the summer break, sadly he couldn’t bring his cat with him so now she’s Esme’s responsibility. Tilly didn’t get a chance to ask if she could look after Pip. Not that she wanted to anyway, the cat always scratches her.

“Ready Tills?” Katy came bustling into the kitchen, eyes wide with excitement. “Where’s your bag?” She looked around, worry lines appeared on her face. “I thought I told you to pack–”  

“It’s by the door.” Tilly brushed past her and put her headphones on, muffling the voice of her mum telling Esme to get in the car so they could take Tilly to Granny and Gramps and see her off. The original plan was for Katy’s parents to pick Tilly up so her mum and Esme could go straight to Brighton but Gramps had an accident and broke his leg. He’ll be healed soon though. 

Tilly slung her bag over her shoulder and left the house, waiting for Katy to unlock the car.

Esme ran outside, forgetting to tell Tilly about the ice cream theft and jumped around hysterically, her blond curls bounced and she sang; Granny and Gramps, we’re gonna go see Granny and Gramps… and so on.

“Shut up Ems.” Tilly took out her phone and turned up the volume of the song she was listening to and made sure her headphones covered her ears properly. They were the last gift her father gave her.

“Uh, Tilly dear, that’s no way to speak to your little sister. Your being a bad role model.” She said, rubbing her hand over the small bump on her belly. Tilly rolled her eyes and put her phone back in her pocket.

Katy and Esme were going to stay in Brighton with Josh, Tilly and Robbie’s stepfather and real father to Esme and now the little baby growing inside Katy. 

Tilly didn’t get on well with Josh and refused to call him ‘dad’. Robbie wasn’t home much so didn’t see him often, she thought he was lucky. Josh’s sweet enough, but he’s just a man that new her dad before he died two years ago and then married her mum and brought Esme with him into their family. Apparently Esme’s mum had left them for an older guy, but they didn’t talk about it a lot.

Katy seemed happy but Tilly thought she was a bad person for being content when she should be mourning her dead husband. Tilly will never forgive her for remarrying and Katy knows that. But her mum still tries every day to close the gap widening between them. 

“Okay get in the car girls, we’re going on a road trip. Hoot! Hoot!” Katy said, and put her hand up and down in the air, mimicking the way you do in a train.

“Cars don’t hoot and this isn’t a road trip.” Tilly corrected, disgusted that her mum was trying to be fun. She hid the hormone-caused expressions that were fighting to get on her face.

Katy went back inside to get the suitcase full of her and Esme’s clothes.

“Hoot! Hoot!” Esme shouted mockingly. Before Tilly could lash out in defence she opened the car door to get in but her little sister squished past her and jumped into the front seat screaming, “I call shotgun!” 

“Urgh!” Tilly said without hiding the irritation in her tone instead of cursing and got into the back seat, slamming the door shut. A rumbling engine stopped near them but she gave it no notice.

“Woah! Attitude! What’s going on here, huh?” A male voice said through the window. Robbie’s kind face peered through the glass at Tilly.

“Robbie!” She screamed, pulling the door open and scrambling out to hug him.

“Hey little sis, I missed you.” He said, hugging her tight in return.

“Me too.” She couldn’t help herself when the tears escaped from her eyes. Robbie hadn’t come home since Christmas and she’d missed him so much. To her, he was like a brother and a father all in one. She didn’t need anyone else but him.

Katy came back with the suitcase and didn’t seem even the slightest bit surprised to see her son. When Tilly finally let go of him and let Esme who sang big brother’s home… big brother’s home… hug him she asked why he’s back because he was supposed to be camping with some friends.

“Well, I am. But I wanted to see you all first.” He smiled broadly then frowned. “Mum said I could come before you all go off for your summer adventures. Unfortunately, I have to go now, I could only come and say hi on my way to the campsite.”

Tilly suddenly felt herself being pulled back into her cage of darkness and despair. Her brother was leaving again and she had no idea when he’d be coming back.

“Come here my boy!” Katy said opening her arms to him. He gave her a gentle hug and received a sloppy kiss on the cheek before they said their goodbyes and he was off again, riding his motorbike into the horizon.

Tilly silently slipped back into the car and rested her feet on her bag. Sighing for the second time that morning. 

“Oh gosh! Mummy! I forgot to feed Pip!” Esme rushed out of the car and opened the door, she tripped on the welcome mat. 

“Whoops!” Katy laughed. She got into the car and opened the driver’s window then turned round to Tilly. “Could you pass me Esme’s seat?” She was referring to the booster seat Esme sat in because she was too small to sit in a seat without one.

“Tilly? Did you hear me?” Katy repeated in a stricter tone.

Tilly was looking out the window and the music playing in her ears was so loud she couldn’t hear anything her mum was saying. She was wondering about what she could do in the countryside for a whole month with two old people. Tilly liked the greenery and fresh air but she was already bored because she wanted to spend time with her friends. If she had friends.

“Tilly!” Katy poked her.

“Mum,” Tilly moaned, rubbing her knee. “What was that for?”

Her mum mouthed something.

“Sorry?” Tilly took her headphones off. “What did you say?”

“I said...” Katy rolled her eyes playfully. “Could you pass me Esme’s seat?”

“Oh yeah, sure.” She passed it to her mum and slid her headphones back on her head. Katy quickly took them off her, disconnecting the cable from her phone which fell on the floor.

“Hey!” Tilly grabbed at them but Katy pulled her hand back. 

“Why don’t you take those off once in a while, huh? We could all spend some quality time together before you go to Granny and Gramps.” She picked up her daughter’s phone and put it next to the headsets which were then placed in the glove compartment.

Esme skipped outside and closed the door, “Mummy, Pip’s got extra food and water for when we’re gone!”

“That’s good.” Katy smiled and leaned over to open the car door for Esme. Tilly watched as her mum got out the car to go lock the front door. She was just about to reach for the glove compartment when Katy came back to ask if they needed the toilet. Esme said she already went and Tilly didn’t need to go. It was a three hour drive to get to Granny and Gramps.

The door was locked. The bags were packed. The cat was fed and Tilly still didn’t have her headphones back. She zoned out as Esme rabbited on about some other kids in her school who painted on the desks during an art class and had to leave the classroom and miss their break and wash up the mess they made. Esme said missing break was the worst punishment ever. She said she’d never do anything naughty so she could always go to break. Katy patted her on the head, chuckled, “Good girl,” and started the car.

The drive was long and both Tilly and Esme had fallen asleep. Esme always falls asleep in car journeys or any journey for that matter. Whilst Tilly was tired that morning because she stayed up all night finishing the book she was reading. The bags under her eyes were proof. 

They both woke when the road made their car go up and down. A smooth motorway turned to gravel then a country path that was Granny and Gramps driveway.

Tilly sat up straight and poked the back of Esme’s head so she’d properly wake up.

“Mummy?” Esme asked, half asleep. 

“Yes?”

“Why can’t I stay with Granny and Gramps too?”

“Because Granny and Gramps want to spend bonding time with each of you. And you’ve already had your turn.” Katy answered, parking the car.

“Ohhh, but I want to!” 

“Sorry sweets, but you can’t. We’re gonna have fun in Brighton with Daddy.”

Daddy. That word. It can’t replace their dad. So why is it trying to?

“Tilly darling! We couldn’t wait to see you!” Granny rushed out of the cottage and gathered Tilly in her arms. Planting a wet kiss on her cheek.

“Hi Gran.” Tilly gave her a hug.

“Your Gramps is inside. His leg is almost fixed but it still hurts to walk. Go say hi.” She pushed Tilly aside and towards the countryside house. While hugs were passed around Tilly grabbed her bag from the car and walked towards the pretty building overgrown with life.

Flowers climbed the walls and apple trees surrounded the garden.

Tilly didn’t think the stay would be too bad.

“Cya Ems. Bye Mum.” She waved without turning to look and stepped inside the cottage. A fragrance so strong hit her like a wall. She’d forgotten about Granny’s perfume. Embracing it, she was just about to call out to Gramps when someone shouted, “Oh no you don’t Missy!” And was scooped up into her mum’s arms, who had just copied what Gran did. 

“Mum stop.” Tilly pushed her away and Esme threw herself onto her just-freed sister.

“Esme!” She shouted when she toppled backwards and landed on the floor with the little girl on top of her.

“I love you sis.” Esme grinned and got up. 

Tilly felt touched at that moment then suddenly picked Esme up and hugged her tightly. “I love you too.” She muttered. Tilly hadn’t realised until now that she needed these two people, because Robbie isn’t her whole family and he’s not always going to be there for her. But she knew they would, and so she decided she’d try a little harder with them. Katy noticed this in the way Tilly hugged her half sister. 

“Ow! Stop! Tilly, stop! Ow!” Esme was laughing even so.

Tilly’s room was the attic. It had a small window that looked out onto the country hills, meadows and forests that she so desperately wanted to explore. Electricity wasn’t installed up there so a candle flickered in the corner. Created a warm feeling to the room. 

She put her bag next to the bed and flopped down on it, sighing for the third time. Gramps’ leg was supposed to come out of the cast today so Granny would drive him to the nearest medical centre which was about one hour away. 

When they came back the plan was that Tilly would have a meaty lunch and then they’d sit in the garden and read some of Gramp’s old books from when he was Tilly’s age. 

Soft classical music drifted through the floor of Tilly’s room. It was gentle and seemed to float as if it was a breeze passing through an open window. She didn’t have her headsets or her phone so she couldn’t play her own music to cover this melody up. 

Suddenly, it hit her. Granny and Gramps were already on their way to the medical centre. So how is there music playing?

She got off the bed and walked down the staircase and into the main room. There, Granny’s old record player was spinning round and round. Who had put it on? 

Shadows spread across the walls. The room was dark even though it was daytime.

As she walked towards the record player a coldness enveloped her and the record started hitching before it was spat out by the player. It flew across the room at Tilly and she had to duck to avoid it. 

Her hands shook and as soon as she took one more step a girl started giggling, “Daddy? Where are you?”

The room transformed and Tilly was back at her house. But still, the shadows remained. The little girl who called out ran through her and rushed towards their living room curtain.  She pulled it across and screamed in delight when her dad jumped out and pretended to be a growling monster.

Tilly’s heart skipped a beat as she looked at her father. He was alive and he was younger. The little girl was her and she was younger. They we’re playing their weekly game of hide and seek and she’d just found him hiding behind the curtain. He was happy so why did he do it?

The room shifted again, Tilly was in her and Robbie’s bedroom. A darker filter over it this time. As she looked around everything was almost in black and white, like all the colour had been sucked out of there.

Robbie was lying on his bed playing a video game. This was just before he went to college. The stubble still hadn’t appeared on his chin. 

Tilly watched from next to her desk as two year younger herself came running into the room.

“Hey, Robbie. You seen dad?”

“Are you seriously still playing hide and seek again? Aren’t you a bit old now?” He teased.

“No,” She said indignantly, “And you haven’t answered my question. Have you seen dad? Robbie, are you listening!” She ran over to him and and tickled her brother ferociously before he spluttered out: “No– No! I haven’t seen dad!”

Younger Tilly looked disappointed and left. The room didn’t change this time though. Tilly was in shock and her legs moved without thinking first.

She knew what was about to happen but she still followed the girl with a new pair of headsets around her neck into the master bedroom. The door creaked open slowly. 

And there, as she remembered, was her dad. He hang from the ceiling and younger Tilly froze, staring at the body. His head was bent slightly to the left and he swayed as a gust of wind came through the open window.

“Dad?” She stepped towards him, her hand reached out.

Tilly woke, panting. She was lying on the floor and beads of sweat dripped from her face as she got up. She was in the main room in the cottage. Granny’s record player was in the same place and the disc that had attacked her was where it landed. 

Slowly, the shadows disappeared, and the sweet perfume came back. 

Why did he do it? Why did he kill himself?

Tilly went back upstairs to her room and all the shadows had gathered there. No birds chirped outside and the sun had gone, the only light source was the candle in the corner. No fragrance, only stale air clouded her nostrils. She sat on her bed and, as if she weren’t alive, she stayed in that position, completely immobile and let the darkness consume her. Tilly thought she’d be able to get on with her mum and Esme and everyone an hour ago. She thought she’d be able to have a good time here. But now that she remembered and saw it all in detail, she knew that she would never be able to heal from this. A permanent scar over her heart.