Smiles of Stars

Hey! This story contains mentions of panic attacks, depression, and death. If those are sensitive topics for you, I'd recommend skipping this one.

Katherine is being stared at. They are subtle enough, but not quite so that she can’t tell. She takes a sip from her red solo cup- it’s just water, but she hadn’t wanted to draw attention to herself. Yet she’d still managed. Not for her choice of drink, but for something she hadn’t anticipated. She was smiling. Katherine Langhart was smiling. 

She didn’t remember the last time she’d done that, and clearly nobody else did either. Her smile wasn’t that of a shy girl hiding her laughter from the class, it wasn’t a smirk that hid pain. It was bright, the sun waking up from the darkness. It was a smile that spoke of her pain, yes, but it meant she was getting through it. Was no longer trapped by it.

Her therapist had said it was okay to not be able to smile for a while, but it wasn’t okay to never see it again. Her smile grew with thoughts of how she’d tell her therapist this. She’d tell her parents, too. Her brother. Her sister. She knew they’d be proud. They’d be delighted to know she’d been glowing. 

It had been hard. She’d blocked everyone out, refused to leave her bed. Stopped answering the phone. Stopped reading. For a while, she cried over everything. And then- nothing. She spent days staring at the sun rising and setting, ignoring love from her family. Her Aunt Cherry first suggested the therapist. Nobody had opposed. Katherine hadn’t put up a fight. 

Dr. Mindy Harris began the first session with Katherine on a Monday. She saw her again on Wednesday. Stayed on the phone Thursday morning as Katherine struggled to get out of bed, pain radiating through her. 

“What does Aunt Cheryl have planned for the day?”

“Cherry.” 

“Sorry?”

“Aunt Cherry. Nobody calls her Cheryl.” 

“Nobody?” 

“Not even Grandma or Grandpa. My-” Her breath caught in her chest and pain slammed through her, tossing her up and through the windy cyclones of memories shoved in dark alleys.

“Katherine. I’m not there with you. Can you tell me five things you see?” It was hard to breathe, her words coming out in choked gasps. 

“Plant. 

    Curtain. 

      Laptop

              Painting. 

Hairbrush.” 

“Four things you feel.” 

“Blanket.

Sheets.

Fan.                      Pillow.

“Three things you smell.” 

“I- I don’t smell anything.” 

“Nothing?” 

She inhaled sharply through her nose, trying to get a scent of anything. 

“Cherry. She- She’s making cookies.”

“Good job. I’d love some cookies right now. Is Cherry a good cook?” 

“You bake cookies.”

“Apologies. Is she a good baker?” 

“She’s alright.” 

“I kind of want some cookies. The other day I was over at my friend’s house and she made the most delicious skillet cookie. Chocolate was all melty and soft. You should ask your aunt if she can make one.” 

“Alright.” She hauled herself out of bed without even realizing what she’d done. She instantly craved the warmth and the cover the blanket provided. 

“Wrap it around yourself.” 

“What?” 

“The blanket.” 

That was the day Katherine learned Dr. Mindy was a mind-reader. Katherine, it turned out, loved therapy. She got to talk, say things about her family without feeling a heavy guilt hanging over her head. 

“Kat! Wanna play?” Iris was calling to her from the door. Kat grinned and set her cup down. This was her sister’s favorite game. It was time she’d played it again. She’d tell her sister later about how she finally worked up the courage to play it with someone else. She nodded and walked to her friend, who nearly cried from happiness. Iris hid it from Katherine, but she saw the elation light up her friend’s eyes, followed by an extra sheen of sparkle. She knew very well what crying looked like. 

“C’mon, Kat! I love this game!” Sarah was terrible at the game, but Kat never minded playing with her sister. They’d get out the trivia cards and head to the pool, gathering teams. Once the orders were set, it was game on. 

“Kat’s on our team!” 

“No way, you have Michael!” 

“You’ve got Liam!”

“You have Sasha!” 

“Fine, fine fine fine fine fine. Rock paper scissors.” 

“Deal.” 

“Rock! Paper! Scissors! Aaaannnddd shoot!” One side erupted in cheers, the other groans. The cacophony filled her ears, sort of like family barbeque’s used to. 

“This is definitely the best burger I’ve had in weeks-”

“Didja hear about the UFO’s they spotted-”

“Hey Kat, you in college yet?’ 

“Jason, when’ll you be giving us some grandbabies-”

“They say it’s from Mars!” 

“I’m a freshman in high school-”

“When we’re ready for kids, that’s when-”

“G-d I’m exhausted- what a week it’s been-”

“Try having five children then tell me you’re exhausted-”

“Try looking after two kids and keeping straight A’s in high school, I’d like to see yo-”

“You don’t have any kids. What kids are you looking after?” 

“Does she have kids?”                “Your kids!”

“Is Emily pregnant?”             “Your siblings?!” “She’s a junior, she better not be!”     “Well you don’t!”

“Hey Kat-                        “How dare you? Jim!”

Why are they so mad?” “What?”

“Aunt Tina and Uncle Jim aren’t-         “Listen to her!”

Really like mom and dad.”            “Jen. Quit your whining.”

“Why not?”     “Quit drinking!”

“Damn.”

“Has he been drinking?” 

“He’s had a bottle in his hands all day-”               “Jennifer!”

“I forgot her name was Jennifer.”                    “Mom.”

“Does she have a                                               “Don’t talk”                         Middle name?" to your father like that!” 

“I think it’s Maisie.”                                     “Carol-”

“Doesn’t that mean corn?”                             “What?”

“Maybe. I wouldn’t                           “Would you go inside?”

Be surprised.” 

“Should we call her corn next time we see her?’ 

“If there is a next time.” 

“Oh, now you’re taking her side?!”       “I’m not taking sides!”               “Carol, be reasonable-”    “Reasonable?”            “Calm down, guys it’s-”   “Don’t but in Cheryl-”     “Is that where we’re going?”    “Girls!” 

     “Ma!    “You always do this!”    “Do what? Exist?” 

           “You never take my side-”       “I always take your side!”      “Ma, do you see this?”    “Settle down, would you?”            “I see it.”        “Jen is right!”         “Jen again?”

  “She’s our daughter-”    “I am well aware of that!”   “You don’t seem to be-”  “Tony, stay out of this!”    

“What's going on?” 

“Aunt Bomb blew up.”

“Damn.” 

“You owe me five bucks, Charlie.”  

        “-Mayah this, Mayah that-”        “-well maybe you should try it-”     “-brag about my children-”       “-it’s natural, like you’re essential oils you’re always-”      “-patronize me, I’ll do what I-”      “-step in, Arlene?”                                    “-Not getting it involved in thi-”    “-republican bastard-”      “-politics out of this, alri-”       “-voted for that geezer-”        

     “-just better than the other guy-”             “-children aren’t-”       “-not doing anythi-”      “-do anything either!” 

    “-knee, Arlene?”      “-disrespectful-”      “-hurting her-”       

“-own daughter?”  “-shit-”   “-what now-”     “-'s going insan-”    “-not insane, mentally il-”    “-ame thing-”   “-ot even close, my G-d-”     “-fall?”       “-who? Wha- oh my-” 

“-ake me do anything-”     “-chy, you know that? I- wha-”  

“That looks concerning.” 

“Is that Mayah?” 

“Ah crap.” 

“This is the third year in a row this has ended in a trip to the hospital.” 

“I still love seeing everyone.” 

“Really?” 

“Well. Most people.” 

           “-bulance, she hit her hea-”      “-nightmare, my G-d-”      “-rol let us help her-”      “-my baby-     “-she’s a doctor, for goodness sa-”      “-call 911 yet? I-” 

“I’ll call the ambulance.”   

“Good call.” 

“You’re hilarious.” 

“I pride myself on it. Where’d your siblings go?” 

“Dunno. Somewhere there.” 

“‘Kay. Just call.” 

“Alright! Kat, you’re up first!” 

    “Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!” 

Kat loved trivia. She answered the questions as fast as she could, the team cheering her on, until she must have messed up, because someone slammed into her, shoving her in the pool. She squawked as she fell. The game continued well into the night, drinks passed around, questions growing steadily out of trivia-range. She wrapped a towel around herself, sitting on the edge of the brick wall that overlooked a little valley. The moonlight reflected off the stream, stars dotting the black sky. Kat had come far. 

“Hey.” Iris hopped onto the wall next to her, their legs dangling. They were like criss-crossing vines, the two of them. They were swishing and swooshing through the waves of life, helping each other up from the bottom of the ocean. Winds that joined together to knock down walls, to shatter crystal barriers, laughing as the shards flew around them. They shone brightly together. 

“Hey.” Iris leaned over to rest her head on Katherine’s shoulder at that. Memories were still splashing inside her brain, but she wasn’t in pain. Iris’s presence helped as she stared up at the brilliant constellations of the night sky. 

She was a bit like the night sky, if she thought about it. Heavy darkness with rolling clouds, sometimes blocking the light. But when she was cloud-free, when she was free, for even just a tiny moment, she shone. And that’s what she lived for- the tiniest of moments made it worth it. She lived for the little pricks of light that poked through, and when they formed together, you saw it. How even broken shards could create something beautiful. 

“Thank you.” 

It was the next morning, and the wind was caressing her hair, rubbing her cheeks pink. Her boots left a trail of smushed grass, but it would stand up again. She took a breath of air and sat down in the grass, rubbing her hands together. 

“Hey guys.” She closed her eyes a moment, before returning them to the graves in front of her. 

“I smiled last night.” She swore the wind blew gentler,

warmer, maybe.  “It hurts. You not being there. But.. I think I can do it now.” Tears welled in her eyes. A smile poked through. “I played your game, Sarah. Even got pushed in.” Memories were cascading through her, a rushing waterfall. Instead of running, she opened her arms and let it rain down onto her. 

“Aunt Carol’s doing better, Mom. I know you were worried about her. She and Jen got matching purple streaks in their hair.”  

“Mayah’s at Harvard, Dad. She said you were her inspiration.” Tears slid down her cheeks, landing in the soft grass. It swayed at her touch. 

“Uncle Jim quit drinking. Uncle Tony and Keith stopped bringing up politics. Maeve got a five on her AP. Aunt Cherry’s been trying to figure out Charlie’s brownie recipe. You really did take it to your grave.” A sob swept through her, but she kept going. 

“Jason and Kira had a baby. They named her after you Charlie. Her name is Charlotte Sarah.” The thought of her baby cousin once removed filled her head. She had the most perfect smile. 

“I miss you. Everyday. But I’m working hard. I’m doing well in school. I’m going to be a nurse. I think you’ll be proud of me.” She turned her head up to the sky. 

“I look for you in the stars.” Katherine stood up, brushing her knees off. She stared at the four gravestones, four gravestones that shouldn’t have been there for another forty, fifty, sixty years. 

But they were. And she would live those years for them. Her family deserved it. 

“I love you.”