The Bad Trip or My Journey Through the Afterlife

(Trigger Warning: Death and some violence)

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and all that jazz. I've been dead for at least an hour and for the life of me, I can't figure out what to do. Death didn't come with a user manual and I'm not convinced that my brain isn't desperately sending out last ditch waves and signals before it shuts off for good.

I dropped acid two times when I was alive. The second time nothing happened, except I had a panic attack thinking about what could happen, because of what actually did happen the first time. That first time though, I thought I was trapped in an infinite loop of death and rebirth, living my full life up until that point, dying, and doing it again forever. I'm not sure how long the trip actually lasted but my head was fucked up for weeks. When the head change first began it felt like it started at the bottom of my brain and worked it's way up over my eyes, eventually devouring my entire brain, with the exception of one little pocket on the left side that kept whispering that none of this was real. That's how I feel now. The beginning stages of an acid trip.

Giddy up cowpoke

I am sometimes my full physical self and I am sometimes a consciousness drifting through voids and dreamscapes. I saw my grandfather in one of those places, but as far as I know he's still alive and kicking. Maybe time is meaningless here. Was it even really him? He seemed angry and bitter and I only ever knew him to be cheerful and kind. His wrinkles were far more pronounced and his gray hair was full of static, his posture was bent, and he stared at me darkly without saying a word, as if he knew I was there but couldn't quite see me. I felt afraid of him.

Have we met before?

I'm standing in my bedroom staring face to face with myself.

It's strangely comforting.

Only losers know how to win.

I went to a place that was stationary. My field of view could not be changed. The space was black, and bright neon colors faded in and out. Lines and shapes, seemingly at random, except for one red splotch with a black circle at the center. It was constant and I hated it. I wanted it to go away but it refused. How could a splotch of red on a black backdrop be so haunting?

Keep your eye on the ball.

I swing my bat and knock it out of the park. Baseball. I had thought about baseball and now I was playing baseball. The other players faces were blurry but I was pretty sure I knew their names. Wasn't the catchers name Tony? I thought so but I didn't ask. I don't think any of them can speak. The other team feels sad as I round the bases in slow motion. It was their only ball and I just sent it to outer space. Where is home plate? I can't find it. I need to touch it to score and win the game but it's gone. This is embarrassing. My team feels desperate for me to score, and I really want to. I need to. They need me to. Where is it?

Can I get an amen?

I parked my car next to the pond. My cousin was there with a group of about ten others. I asked what they were doing and they said they were looking for her. I got out to help. I dove down into the water and looked as hard as I could. Hopefully she's not here but we just need to be sure. We all hope she's alive and well but we need to find her. I went to high school with her. I hadn't thought about her in years, in fact I completely forgot she even existed until this moment. Someone in the distance yells that they found her. We run hard, desperate for a conclusion but we already know she's dead too. This is a bad neighborhood. A kid in a giant bird cage wearing a grotesque Halloween mask knows who did it he says. He's the younger brother of a bad kid I went to school with. It wasn't the one I knew who did it, but their oldest brother. We found him casually walking through the neighborhood. I attacked him with my baseball bat. I only hit him once. He was dangerous so I had to. How could I have known that one hit would turn him into a pile of bones and guts? My cousin looks at me shocked. What have I done? I didn't mean to. All of the messy stew starts pulling back together. He's himself again, and he's pissed. I do it again. My little brother runs up to try and protect me. I tell him to be careful because this guy always comes back. If we get the gun away from him he won't come back anymore. So we do, and it's over.

You've lost your fucking mind.

As soon as my mind questioned the reality it was gone. It was all perfectly logical until it wasn't anymore. I must be in Hell. I feel like myself now, at least. This room is empty and dim. There's an orange tint but no light fixtures that I can see. It smells like Styrofoam stuffed inside an old teddy bear, stained with mildew and mental illness.

Have we met before?

Was that a thought or did someone speak?

I turn quickly. If there's somewhere there they don't want me to see them.

Nothing.

I turn back.

It's him.

Is it me?

He looks like me.

I ask him if he's me and he just shrugs.

Someone spilled mercury in the creek.

We were all playing in the creek and I caught an octopus. When I put it back in the water my camera zoomed out and we realized it was glowing. There were hundreds of them and they were all shining through the muddy water. They looked more like jellyfish now. Someone spilled mercury in the water so we all had to get out. I bet it will kill them. Hopefully it doesn't make any of us sick. I think my brother did it but it was accident. He found this huge old thermometer and it broke.

Have we met before?

I'm sure of it. Apologies, but my memory isn't the greatest these days. You certainly look familiar though. Tell me friend, why am I having these thoughts? Dreams? I don't like them. They make my brain feel heavy. Are you real? Am I? Am I a ghost or something like that? I know that I've died but I'm having trouble remembering much of anything else. Could you help me?

Do we have enough wood for Winter?

It's my birthday party and my grandma just pulled in to the driveway. She's been dead for over ten years. Everyone was saying she was coming and it scared the hell out of me. I love her but it's impossible. She sits in her car for an unusual amount of time before she gets out. What will she look like? My heart is racing. She's been gone for so long. When she opens the door and gets out she looks exactly like I remember her. It's just her. Nothing unusual at all. Except she's not supposed to be here and that is terrifying. She gives me a big warm hug and tells me that everything is going to be okay, and everything feels okay in that moment. Everything feels better than it has in a long time. She says that she's not allowed to stay long and that she has to go, and she gets back in her car and leaves.

Have we met before?

....No. I'm sorry but I have no idea who you are. Why are you here?

Ah, I see. Yes, that light caught my attention before but I wasn't allowed there. Am I allowed there now? Will I remember when I get there? Can't you give me a straight answer? I guess I'm on my own, then. Well, I would say it was nice meeting you but you haven't been very helpful. If I see you again when I get there I hope that you'll be more friendly. The thought of going there does feel welcoming. Until next time I guess,

goodbye.