Something New

The only thing I got right was my first breath. It could have been a cruel mistake. When your existence is wrong, it’s natural to drown in disparity, bubbling over the steady heat of resentment, animosity vibrating your DNA. It’s hard to breath.

“Did you hear?” David asked, pulling up a chair next to mine.

“I’m working.” I muttered, annoyed knowing that he knew office gossip was a thing that never included me.

“They’re giving the promotion to Lily. Better luck next time, man.” A comforting smack on the back and he rolled away.

“Wait!” I cried. He stopped. “Did Jeff say why?”

“No, but I heard he was leaning more toward someone younger. Someone who can keep up with the demands and keep the culture fresh. She always goes to all the company events, you know. I think he liked how she connects to the staff.” David let the truth fall out, unaware each word was a stomp on my heart.

“Right.” I nodded. He liked her personality I thought. No competition there.

Bubbling

The desert drank in the afternoon sun, casting its rays back into the sky, melting the air just above the sand. Joshua trees invaded the ground, stoically holding their positions against the Mojave’s stale heat.

“What’s wrong with the air conditioner again?” I yelled at my sister, one hand on the wheel and one hand wiping her dripping brow. The windows were down but it didn’t help. Instead of sitting in sweltering stale heat, we got to be pummeled in the face by parched burnt winds.

“Ah, I don’t know.” She yelled back. “Something about a condenser.”

“I hope I get lucky this time.” I said, not sure if she’d be able to hear me. I tried to manifest my luck, squeezing out every ounce of believing that jackpot was already mine. It never was and each time I came up empty handed I was convinced it was me.

“I don’t believe in luck. The House always wins, remember that.” She scolded.

“So, you’re not going to gamble?” I asked.

“I’ll go the casino. I like the free drinks.” She winked at me.

Time doesn’t exist in Las Vegas. Only noise and colors. Chimes tink tinkling, buzzing and whirring, laughing and some crying heave their way into your senses all at once. Neon glows and a motley crowd permeates everything you see. Triumphant music thundered from several machines, a fountain of gold coins smothering the screen: This was it. I couldn’t resist the chance to win. I couldn’t resist the tsunami of guilt and shame, losing it all. I got up from the insatiable beast and stepped away, a young bride-to-be skidding into my seat. She fed it her offering. A fountain of gold coins and You’re a Winner! throbbed on the screen.

Brewing

You again. I stared in the mirror, freshly cleaned teeth settled within that abomination that lived in the glass.

“Your nose is too large and the wrong shape for that moon-shaped head. Is that a bald spot I see? Thinning for sure. Gravity has done a fine job on you.” I said loudly to the image in the mirror, tugging at my sagging face, watching him tug at his. I smiled, he smiled. A crinkled smile I didn’t recognize.

Heads lift when I walked into the coffee shop, then go down, uninterested. Nothing to see here, folks. I waited in line, uncomfortably exposed. The door chimes and heads lift. I turned and stared. They all stared. An Adonis specimen strode toward the counter and the woman at the counter lured in, eager to be this man’s latte hero. The minutes drained from existence, filled with their nauseating banter. Uncaffeinated, my nerves snapped.

“Hey! Come on, we’ve all been waiting here. You need to go to the back of the line buddy.” I yelled.

 He sauntered toward the back of the line, grunts and groans and eye rolls.

“Relax, man. No need for that energy.” He chided.

I’m the bad guy.

Steaming

It was always the same. Would it always be? I asked myself, eating my microwaved leftovers alone. I turned on the TV and there he was, Adonis with his species, perfection in an imperfect world. I turned it off. Then back on. Who was I kidding? I was just like everyone else. I couldn’t stop looking.

What did I do? What did I miss? The questions chased each other, edging everything else out of my mind, racing to madness.

I want to be them. The beautiful lucky ones, safe behind the carnival mirror, exposing the cracks in everyone else. I loathed that mirror.

Later that night, I went for a walk. A mindless walk to keep the madness at bay. A woman on the corner had settled into a camping chair next to a large bin with a blanket draping over the sides. Moving closer, I leaned over, captivated by the largest charcoal eyes I’d ever seen attached to a tiny body wrapped in lavender fur that begged to be touched.

“Is it for sale?” I asked. What was I doing?

“She is. But I can’t take her back home so you can have her for whatever you’re willing to give.” She said with regret in her voice.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a twenty.

“It’s all I have on me.” I said, apologetically.

“Don’t worry about it. Here.” She said thrusting the pup toward me. A slippery coat slid between my palms, and I pulled her close. Her pudgy body nestled into my arms while her chilled nose poked its way into the warmed crevice under my throat.

“Thank you.” I said, tears burning my sight. A comfort I hadn’t known in years seeped into my core and I realized I’d just paid twenty dollars for this dainty creature to have me. I hoped she would keep me forever.

She rarely left my embrace. Scraping my nose against her fur, her earthy smell soaked into my skull. Soggy embraces streaked my cheeks and forehead, raw from her gravelly tongue. Eat, poop, repeat. Eat, poop, repeat. Repeat. Repeat. All my seconds were devoted to her. Suddenly the bubbling and brewing and steaming jealousies I’d nurtured simmered into something else. Every molecule replaced with a responsibility alarming and exquisite, reforming the matter piped into my bones. This tiny innocent loved me unconditionally. I was her universe; I wasn’t a neglected prop in everyone else’s play. To her, I was the star.

Then she was gone.

It was my mistake. A moment’s mistake that formed eternity. Running late for work, I left the bedroom door open and when I walked out my front door, so did she. I dropped everything, scolding and calling her name. Running inside for a treat to beckon her in. She wanted to play. Feet pounding the cement, I ran for my life. The car couldn’t stop. She couldn’t be saved.

Cry, sleep, repeat. Mourn, sleep, repeat. Sleep. Sleep. Waking up was the worst part of my day. The lovely patterns she’d formed in my cells, pulsed and boiled into an unrecognizable shape; a trembling storm collected at the surface, desperate to be released. It swelled, the grief, scalding and violent it filled every space and when it had nowhere else to go, it struck at the light.

A flood of eager steam spewed from my throat; the screams pierced to heaven and then – it was done. I melted into bed, face to the ceiling, cups of tears spilling over defiantly. I had started so simple, so plain. A single-faceted selfish thing believing the world existed for me. Now I was something else, robust and tainted, inextricably soaked in grief and love and flavored with life. I was ready.