A manifest against God

“Are you there, God? It's me.” That was my favorite proposition in my first 15 years, more or less. Every day, before falling asleep, I would talk to someone nowadays I no longer believe exists. Tears burnt my pale cheeks, but I couldn't care less as long as my words would have an echo in His ears. When I look back, faith takes the shape of a ghost, always invisible. Despite I couldn't see it, I let it haunt me. I would let devotion possess me because I was told it is an unforgiving sin to do otherwise. I'd pray each day for my mother to get sober. I really believed, If I have enough faith and I am a ‘good girl,’ God will have to listen. I mean, why wouldn't he? I am doing everything he is asking for. I’d pray each day, with restless hope, to see my father more often. I would pray for my grandma who was sick. I was too young to see depression has already eaten her soul a while ago, as well as her poor bones. I was too young to see the same path was expected of me. But she took care of me the best she could... Love was stronger than pain. I remember her opening, each day, a small but heavy book prayer, reading with closed eyes, the same paragraphs, as usual, a repeating mantra to keep us protected from the devil. When I watched Emily Rose, I hugged my grandma very tight every night because I was afraid the same demons could destroy my soul and eventually kill me, as they killed her. Little did I knew severe mental problems can be the root of these “paranormal situations”.

Despite my faith, going to church was a tedious thing to do. My attention would transform into a playful, little bird flying to more exciting places to be. Religion can turn into a giant brain-washer for some of us. I remember I started to cuss God for no reason. Four times in a row, same cussing. I couldn’t control myself. Then I would repeat, ‘Please God, forgive me, please God, forgive me, please God, forgive me.’ After ending my ritual, I would explain to Him I can't help it, uncontrollable words are coming of nowhere, out of my sick mind. Of course, I didn’t tell anyone. The shame was too big. I told to myself that if I keep my mouth shut, the sin disappeared by itself. Then I noticed I am starting to use the same pattern in different situations: if I’d say 10 times in a row my father would come to visit me, he would. But in reality, he wouldn’t. If I’d say 10 times in a row that my mother would stop drinking from dusk till dawn, she would stop. But in reality, alcohol mixed up with her blood so bad you couldn’t separate them now.

When I started highschool, I came across the first atheists. The freedom they had to talk bad about God was terrifying to me. They even dare to openly say He doesn’t exist. I was scared for their souls, being sure if they don’t look for forgiveness, the burning arms of Hell would get them. I was shocked by the certainty they show. As if the devil whispered into their left ear. 

I honestly don’t remember the time I stopped being spiritual at all. It happened slowly, didn’t show up in my dream as a revelation. After years of thinking one is lost without redemption, I tried to ask myself what redemption really means. Why simple pleasures are considered a sin? Why is so much suffering, If an almighty God is watching our back? Where is God when innocent children are raped and murdered? Where does God allow pedophiles and psychopaths to be born? Where was God when millions of people died, during wars? Where is God when people are starving to death? Those questions were assaulting me without knowing a way how to stop them. What is this rebellion? Makes part of the well-known ‘teenage drama’? Or it’s a wake-up call? If God exists, is He actually good? Does He actually care?

Losing my faith, letting my preconceptions slowly vanish, was freeing. It made me a better person. More accepting, more objective, less narrow-minded. It helped me understand that sometimes things don’t happen for a reason or because of someone's fault, it just happens. That unexpected revelation filled me with anger and joy. Anger because I was trying to give a sense to every bad in the world and I believed someday ‘The truth’ will open its arms to mortally embrace me. Joy because I could finally find peace of mind after years of chasing hidden monsters.

Knowing no one will punish me for losing my virginity before marriage or for smoking, or for wearing a mini-skirt was also freeing. When I was a believer, I was waiting for something bad to happen to me only if I dared to have a ‘dirty’ thought. But If some Nazis managed to escape to Argentina and live happily after the horrors they have committed, is anyone getting punished for what they do? I am talking about real sins, not licking your ice cream in a promiscuous way in front of the guy you feel attracted to. By the way, I’ve heard the Vatican had to do with this. With helping the Nazis run away, exactly. If you don’t trust me, just google it. I have also heard catholic priests have a special love for children. But it's already well known, I suppose.

For someone who is not a believer anymore or never was, the stories from The Bible seem to be written by people who enjoyed ayahuasca or had mental issues. Or by someone who enjoyed entertaining kids. It’s a good read to make your child fall asleep quickly, so you can watch Netflix and drink wine. Or to have sex, if you still have energy. Anyways, I can understand why God would be so disappointed by His own creation. Why I cannot understand is why Noe didn’t select the best of the best. Or did he? I would like to see how Moses split the Red Sea, turning it into dry land. Assuming it's true, was Moses' hand or nature's hand? Why does nobody gets rescued by a whale anymore? It would be international news, right? How awesome is to survive three days inside a giant creature. I assume the gastric juice kept Jonah hydrated.

"If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell," Matthew 5:29.

That is something Jesus said. I haven't read The Bible, I don’t know the context, but if someone tells you such a thing today, you will probably call 911. Wouldn’t you be worried if someone tells you a donkey spoke to him? And he didn’t take any drugs. For more fantasy stories, please check The Bible.

I don’t mean to offend anyone, we are free to believe and do whatever we want and bring us happiness, as long as we don’t harm others, of course. But please, stop rubbing your own beliefs into my face, it's not nice. For the spiritual ones who know to respect other people's opinions, no matter how different they are, I apologize if my words hurt you somehow.