Deminildreth!

“Deminildredth!” said the headmistress, holding her whipping ruler sternly in the palm of her hand.

Deminildreth sat there, unable to speak. Her hands fidgeting with the voodoo doll she had found in her uncle’s attic.

“Come here.”

“I’m already here. I’m sitting right here. Can’t you see?”

“Deminildreth, I am a patient woman. But I do not appreciate insubordination. This is a Christian school, after all.”

“Yes, Headmistress Dohnehees. I would never attempt to-“

“Do not get smart, young lady. For one only needs to have the upper hand a little.”

“I’m sorry Headmistress Dohnehees. I truly am. I was just-“

“Deminildreth, I will ask you again.”

“Yes, headmistress.”

“Who?”

“Who?”

“Or what?”

“Who or what, what? What are you talking about?”

“Who gave you that doll?”

“It’s just a stupid voodoo doll. I found it in my uncle’s attic.”

“Deminildreth, that thing must be burned…”

“Must it be? I was only sliding fun.”

“Deminildreth, this is a Christian school. You know that.”

“What? One man’s Holy Spirit is another man’s Hari Krishna.”

“Deminildreth, the Holy Spirit is not to be demonized here. Nor put with unsavory company.”

“It’s a doll.”

“It is demon-possessed. Deminildreth, what have I told you? Every day, I have said. Do not look away in shame. Thou knowst what it has done.”

“Yes, Headmistress Dehnehees.”

“Don’t ‘headmistress’ me.”

“Yes, headmistress. I would never dream of it.”

“What would your father say?”

“My father’s been dead for over a year. I don’t talk to birds.”

“Maybe you should. Have you prayed?”

“Prayed, headmistress? Why, whatever do you mean?”

“Have you prayed to the Holy Spirit and asked that he take this demon possession, this silliness, out of you?”

“Why? Should I?”

“It is the duty of every good Christian girl to pray. We must never lose sight of the Lord’s calling on our lives.”

“Headmistress Dehnehees, I…”

“Deminildreth, do not speak. That…thing. Get rid of it.”

“This thing?”

“Keep that…thing away from me!”

“Headmistress Dehnehees, I-“

“That is it. Now, I am serious, little girl. No good Christian girl would ever toy with a Nobut. No matter what the circumstances. No matter what the temptation.”

“I apologize. You can take it. It’s right here. Take it.”

“Take it…home with you when you leave today.”

“Take it home?”

“Yes.”

“With me?”

“Yes.”

“Well, who’s going to save me if it comes to life and devours half my family?”

“Deminildreth, this is not a joke. A play of fancy. That…thing is the devil. It must not be allowed to corrupt the mind.”

“Yes, mom.”

“What did you say?”

“Sorry.”

“I am not your mother.”

“I know, Headmistress Dehnehees. I know.”

“As a woman of god, filled with the flagrant Holy Spirit, I am not at liberty to discuss my potential outrage. Nor would I attempt to see the perspective of a little demon-possessed child who could not see what she had done before she did it!”

“Yes, Headmistress Dehnehees. I understand.”

“Thank goodness I’m saved!”

“That’s what I said.”

“No ‘saved’ woman would be caught dead carrying a savage’s voodoo doll. It corrupts good morals.”

After a haranguing by the headmistress, Deminildreth’s mom was summoned to the school. She took Deminildreth home, where the continued the conversation over dinner.

“Deminildreth.”

“Yes, mom?”

“Why aren’t you eating?”

“Why am I not eating?”

“You haven’t eaten a word. You’re just sitting there playing with that voodoo doll. Those things are for savages.”

Deminildreth’s mom then proceeded to grab the doll and throw it in a waiting waste basket.

“Mom, it’s unfair.”

“Demon possession isn’t supposed to be fair.”

“I’m serious, mom. What does this have to do with anything? I wasn’t hurting anybody!”

“Deminildreth, voodoo dolls are for savages. Inferior savages who roam the earth, seeking for little girls to devour.”

“Mom, that’s not funny.”

“Deminildreth, you know I’m a Christian girl, too. I went to that same Christian school.”

“Don’t act like you never got in trouble.”

“Oh, I could write an entire memoir about the things I did.”

“Like what?”

“What do you mean, what? What are you talking about?”

“What did you do when you went to my school?”

“Me? Really?”

“Yes, you! You’re under oath! That’s what they said at parenting school.”

“Go ahead. Read me the Riot Act.”

“What did you do?”

“Okay I,” cough, “I fell asleep in a cake.”

“You fell asleep in a cake?”

“Yes. I fell asleep. That’s it.”

“How do you…”

“Well, the headmistress was retiring. She left me alone in the room alone due to my ‘detented’ state, and I…saw that big, gigantic cake just sitting there.”

“And?”

“Well, one thing led to another…and I fell asleep.”

“What happened?”

“Well, they called my mother and there was this whole big…thing that I’d rather not discuss.”

“How do you fall asleep inside a cake?”

“I breathed in more cake fibers than a middle-aged pop star. My mom was livid.”

“Well, what happened then?”

“What do you mean, what happened then?”

“Did she…?”

“Did she what?”

“You know. Did she…take a paddleboarding trip in the mountains?”

“Well, maybe.”

“Mom, I don’t want to go to school.”

“No?”

“No, I want to be drafted.”

“Ha!”

“Don’t laugh. I can beat up the terrorists. Just give me a shot!”

“Deminildreth. I’m not to sure you realize what a soldier, a marine, actually does.”

“Does he…?”

“No, he doesn’t do that.”

“Well, then, doe he…?”

“Only under certain circumstances.”

“Mom, I want to bring my voodoo doll to school.”

“Over Jesus’s dead body, Deminildreth. Seriously!”

“You shouldn’t use Jesus’s name in vain.”

“That’s what I said!”

“No, seriously. If you don’t respect the head honcho, they’re going to be putting some extra-smelly cheese in Abraham’s Bosom. I hear it’s full of sweat and hair. Maybe even rashes.”

“Hey, who’s punishing whom?”

“Mom, as your trusted fiduciary advisor I advise that you let me take my voodoo doll to Christian school.”

“Why should I let you do that?”

“As a good luck charm, of course.”