A Cold Night in January

A Cold Night in January

Ever since I can remember, beginning in 2006, I feel I’ve been plagued with an alternate sense of reality. I regret ever being introduced to the party scene, which I was very against up until then, by someone I considered, at the time, a friend. I came to realize that they were just enabling me to keep them company and to be a little less lonely. This lifestyle shifted everything I thought I knew about life, a moral compass, and decision-making. I see now that these decisions were all my own and very self-destructive. Not only was I hurting myself physically and mentally, but I was hurting my family, who only ever wanted the best for me and to live up to the potential they know I have.

Fast forward to a cold night in January 2011. After being arrested and spending a few days in jail due to one of these monumentally bad decisions, I was hanging out with some people I worked with after a late shift. I was under the influence of multiple substances and around a crowd that also had questionable morals. As it was getting rather late, very early in the morning, I decided to attempt driving home because I did not want to stay where I was for any longer. After making it about a mile up the road and realizing what catastrophic consequences my being behind the wheel could have, I pulled over to sleep it off.

I wasn’t that tired, and after sitting in my car listening to music for a while, I started to think about what a mess my life was and wondered how it had gotten as bad as it was. I was not in my right mind, decided I didn’t want to fight anymore, and made one of the worst decisions of my life. I attempted to take my own life in one of the lowest points I can ever remember being in.

I passed out for a few hours and became conscious while it was still dark and the sun had not yet risen. I was disoriented for a moment until I looked down and realized what I had done. My biggest regret was thinking, “Crap, it didn’t work.” In retrospect, the damage was very minor, and I realize now that it was a cry for help. In thinking back on this night, after I moved right down the street 10 years later and passed this spot regularly, every single detail was still very clear.

After waking up, I called my mother first and admitted what I had done. She lives further out from the city where I live, and had to call my dad to come and pick me up. I was so distraught at the time that I didn’t even know where I was. Once he got to me, we immediately went to the Emergency Room so my wounds could be assessed, and as there was no permanent damage and given the nature of the wounds, I voluntarily checked myself into rehab. I was there for 2 weeks and went through a detox program and intensive group therapy.

Once I was released and after a short recuperating period, I went back to work and started going to group therapy regularly. A few months later, my life was changed by getting a promising career opportunity that I excelled in and grew in for the next 5 years. I took a promotion that allowed me to move out of the little city where I grew up and was afforded my independence back. I had been very codependent for the past 8 years or so because I was married. Even though I loved being a wife, I feel like I lost a part of myself, and that pushed me further down the rabbit hole, so to speak.

After moving to a small town about an hour and a half north, I was working in mobile tech support, and 10 months later got another promotion into the IT department. It was the proudest I have been in my life up to that point. I worked with great people, made lots of friends, and even made it home to see my family at least every 2 months. I did go through a few hardships during this time: I had a car repossessed, wrecked a Vespa where I was injured pretty badly, and was out of work for almost three months due to my injuries.

Once I returned to work, I ended up moving into a different apartment in the same complex, settled back into my work routine, dated a great guy, and was happy for the time being. About a year later, after we had broken up, that great guy, let’s call him Dan, ended up taking a fall and, due to a brain bleed, lost his life. It was very sad because, for a time, we were close and happy to be in each other’s lives.

A few years after that incident, the company I worked for was bought out by another company. I was offered a position with the new company, but was unsatisfied with all the changes that happened and decided to part ways. I worked a few temporary jobs over the holidays and was waiting out my lease that ended at the beginning of the following year. In February 2017, I decided to move back home. In the years since then, I’ve been a bit lost and trying to find a purpose. I have had and lost the greatest love of my life. That loss is still with me to this day, though it is getting easier over time. My dog is getting old, he’s 17, and I fear his passing every day, though he is still holding on and in fairly decent health for his age.

Now it is 2025, I have gotten my unarmed security license and am working for a great private security company where I get paid to see concerts and go to entertainment venues. I just have to make sure the crowds are safe and everyone is behaving themselves. I know that things have turned around for me and are only going to continue to improve. I have finally found myself. I am very much enjoying getting to know her better and helping her become the best version of herself that she can be. Here’s to the future!!!