Regina

"It's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all."

-Joni Mitchell

Regret is a powerful emotion. It can eat you alive, even if it is over the smallest thing. Not having a witty retort to an insult. Not asking that person out. Not saying 'I love you' to the people who matter. I think as a society we could all be saying 'I love you' a little bit more often. Not in a frivolous way, but really saying it to people. Really letting them know how much we think about them in our daily lives.

I recently lost someone who was very close to me, an aunt. Someone who had watched me grow up, someone I could always depend on. Someone who always listened, no matter how trivial the subject was. She was simply happy to spend time with me, hear me speak, and know what was going on in my life. She didn't have any children of her own, so she poured her heart and soul into her nieces and nephews. I didn't think it was something I could take for granted, but I did.

My Aunt Gina had a huge personality. She was so generous, and beyond kind. I remember one day I spent with her, just the two of us. She kept fussing at me because I would let her buy me anything. I would look at something, one look. She'd say, "Do you like that?I'll buy it for you." I finally gave in, and let her buy me a coffee. It eased her enough, but just enough. She kept saying that she was there to spoil me, and that I was being too stubborn.

She had one of the loudest laughs I can think of, so much so you could probably hear it a mile away. She knew her own mind, and held fast to her opinions. I am the same way. Even as a child, I was loud and obnoxious. My aunt was always there cheering me on. I'd look at her, and tell myself that's who I wanted to be when I grew up. She was simply herself, and whoever didn't like it, could leave.

As society does, I was told I was too much, but not for her. She would look at me and say, "They just aren't sparkly enough for you. Don't let them wash your sparkles away to fit in." With this attitude, my aunt taught me to believe in magic. Fairies, mermaids, Santa Claus. She saw the world through innocent eyes, even though she knew evil lurked around the corners. She never let the bad days win, never lost hope.

My aunt gave me some of my best memories. One in particular I remember whenever we had family gatherings, and we would go out to eat, I'd always ask to ride in her car. She had the best tapes ever, and I'd sing my lungs out to songs I didn't know the words to while she just laughed. It hurts to think about them now, but in the best way possible. I am grateful I was able to have someone like her in my life. Someone who fed into my over the top personality, someone who taught me how to have a young heart. Someone, aside from my mother, who taught me what unconditional love meant.

She proved that to me time and time again. I struggle with my mental health, as many people do. Those who struggle understand what the illogical part of our brains can make us feel sometimes. No matter what we tell ourselves, that part can win out. My Aunt Gina wouldn't let it, though. She was right there fighting alongside me. Telling me all of these wonderful things I need to experience, and how she wanted to experience them with me. She never judged me, either. She just loved me through all of it. I know it hurt her, but she never made me feel guilty. She just loved me. She showed me that there are ways I can make my life worth living. She was one of the reasons. I didn’t want to disappoint her when she worked so hard to show me how much she cared. 

My aunt was taken from us unexpectedly, too quickly for anyone to process it. I thought she was going to live forever. Not really forever, but a lot longer than she was able to. I thought she was going to be at my wedding. I thought she was going to live to see me have children, and teach them everything she taught me, but life had other plans. Try as I might, there is no telling God who he can, and can’t, take. Having to come to terms with that is…there are really no words for that kind of grief, or that kind of regret. 

Of course, my aunt knew she was so loved, and we knew how much she loved all of us. I am grateful to know  what that kind of love feels like. I am grateful that she taught me how to never accept anything less than that, and how I am allowed to take up space in this world. When I was younger, I didn’t realize how lucky I was, I do now. I just wish I had learned to appreciate it sooner, been aware of just how magical she was. 

I have looked at life from both sides now, and I really don't know life at all. I don't understand it, and never will. What I do understand is that life is fleeting. I know that’s a cliche, and I never wanted to believe it was true. I never thought something like this was going to happen. So do me a favor, and show your loved one’s how much you appreciate them. I don’t care how you do it. Whether it’s sweeping up the house, or giving them an extra hug at the end of the day. Because you never know when it will be the last time.