Papa's Mija

“Thank you,” Sydney said after she paid the florist for the bouquet of roses. 

She hurried to her car and slid behind the wheel before she carefully laid the rose on the passenger seat. She used to have a hard time understanding why her grandfather always preferred roses.

  “Those are the flowers I gave your Nana,” he told her one afternoon in the living room as he rocked in his rocking chair. “Ever since then she has been all over me.”

Her grandmother, who was in the kitchen preparing dinner, rolled her eyes.

  “Right,” her grandmother said. “Your Papa didn’t start giving me flowers until I agreed to go on a date with him.”

Her grandfather waved his hand.

  “Yeah, yeah either way I still said yes to you and here we are fifty-seven years later,” he said winking at Sydney.

“I said yes to you.” her grandmother said. “Before that I thought you were too annoying and stubborn for my type.”

“And yet you’re here now,” he said. “I’m still the same stubborn, annoying boy you got the pleasure of getting to know. Aren’t you the luckiest woman to be married to a rare catch such as myself.”

Sydney heard her grandmother chuckle. 

“Whatever you say, Jess,” she said.

 Sydney smiled at that memory. She missed the originality of her life when her grandfather was still around. On major holidays her family would traditionally come together to cook and bake special meals and desserts such as homemade pies for Thanksgiving, and tamales for Christmas. In the summer and sometimes the winter, the family would take off on vacation usually to Laughlin for about a week or two, and to one of the many resorts in Palm Springs for a week. In fact, the most unforgettable vacation that Sydney took with her family was a week long trip to Hawaii. Sydney had only been five years old at the time, but she remembered every little detail from the plane ride there where she sat in between her grandparents, to the train ride that took her family to a Hula dance performance where she at one point aspired to be a Hula dancer. They are all memories that Sydney would never forget about her grandfather. And memories she wished she could relive again even if it was for the very last time. 

Sydney sighed before she turned the key in the ignition, carefully backed out of the small parking lot, and merged into traffic. 

~

The cemetery parking lot was vacant when she pulled in which allowed her to park at the very front. She sat there for a few minutes, staring at the sea of green grass with rows upon rows of headstones. She noticed that there were only a few headstones that had flowers in their plot as well as some small decorations like miniature flags, and or necklaces. She felt guilty that her grandfather’s grave was not only among the many graves that were untouched and unvisited, but unlike the majority of the graves, he did not have a headstone. Her grandmother was supposed to pick out a headstone for him, but it became too emotionally and physically taxing on her which resulted in her grandfather’s grave being nothing but a lump in the ground with a plant holder poked out at the center. It used to frustrate Sydney, but through many visits to the hospital, and careful watch of her grandmother’s blood pressure levels, she learned to let it go.

Sydney took the keys out of the ignition, and grabbed the roses. She studied each headstone as she took her time across the cemetery until she found her great-great grandmother and her great-grandmother’s headstones. Beside them was her grandfather’s plain grave. She crouched down and carefully placed the roses in the flower plot before she stood back up to her feet. She remembered her mother told her to talk to her grandfather as if he were there.

“I know it may sound silly and weird,” she told her that morning before she left for work. “But believe it or not he’s listening. And as you talk to him you’ll kind of feel his presence like he’s really there. That’s what I felt the last time I visited.”

Sydney of course thought the idea was weird and silly since talking to a lump in the ground would not be the same as talking to her grandfather not to mention making herself look crazy to other people who may be visiting. But there she was now, staring down at lump as she scrambled to find the right words to say.

“H-hey, Papa,” she said as she cleared her throat. “It’s been a long time since I last visited you. Do you mind if I sit?”

Silence followed and Sydney waited for a response before she decided to sit beside his grave. She looked around the quiet, yet beautiful cemetery where she took in its scenery. Clear blue sky with the afternoon sun shining in the center. A sea of healthy green grass with a couple trees scattered across the property. And small insects that grazed the grass and a few small daisies that randomly sprouted out. Although coming to a cemetery usually creeped her out, she enjoyed the peacefulness that it had. A peacefulness that gave her an emotional space away from the chaotic world. 

“So much has happened since we...actually talked,” Sydney said. “I would tell you everything from start to finish, but I’ll just focus on the present. Maybe next time I’ll tell you what you’ve been missing.”

She paused for a moment.

“So I’m currently going to school at a private university. I’m majoring in English Literature, and hope to go into teaching at some point. I do have a lot of experience with my current job as a special education assistant, but special education is not the type of field I really want to go into. Not after seeing the stress that mom and dad go through.”

She took a breath before continuing.

“Nana is doing great. Better actually. We’re trying to help her get her strength back so she could walk again, but I think it has gotten too hard for her. Whenever she tries to stand or even sit in a chair, she immediately feels dizzy. There were a couple of times Auntie and Sue got her to sit out in their living room for a couple of hours. It was progress for sure, but when she got that small heart attack a few months back, she got scared and stopped really making progress. It frustrates me if I’m going to be honest. I told her at one point that the reason why she feels dizzy is because her body has gotten used to laying down all the time. I told her if she just did it little by little then she would be stronger and walk again. But of course she wouldn’t budge. She’ll make an excuse and then end the conversation. You know how she is.”

Sydney paused and looked at the lump before she turned away and focused on something else. She took a deep breath and tried thinking about what to say next when she could feel the tears forming in her eyes. She wiped them with the back of her hand.

“Excuse me,” she said with a smile. “I wasn’t expecting to be like this today. And it’s not like they’re bottled up feelings they’re…”

She stopped as she looked at the lump. She suddenly remembered what her boyfriend told her as she emotionally prepared herself for the visit the night before,

“Talk to him as if he had been gone on a trip this whole time. Tell him what’s been going on with your life. Pretend he’s asking you questions and you’re answering them. Be completely real with him and don’t hold back any emotions. He may not be there physically, but he is there spiritually.”

A tear made its way down her cheek and instead of wiping it away, she spoke.

“I wish everything was back to the way they were, Papa. So much has changed since you died and it’s just been so...hard for me. There are days when I would feel okay and just go along with everything, but then there are certain days, usually holidays where I would feel sad and frustrated because of the changes I don’t have control of. I mean, I tried bringing things back to the way they used to be, but Nana never really wants to do anything anymore. It just seems like she’s only living for us not really for herself anymore and it frustrates me sometimes even though I do understand why.”

Sydney wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and stared down at the ground. She took some deep breaths to calm herself before she continued.

“Mom told me that change is good, and I believe her, but….”

She stopped to wipe her eyes and took another deep breath.

“But I don’t like this change. And...I can’t adjust to this change no matter how hard I try to. It’s too much...everything is too much…” 

She wiped her eyes again but her tears kept pouring. She tried to take some deep breaths but she instinctively hugged her knees to her chest and buried her head in between them to sob. She sobbed loudly and uncontrollably, not caring if there were people around her. She clenched her fist as her sobs grew louder, feeling a hint of anger towards something that she was not sure of. She did not understand why her grandfather had to leave that day. Why everything had to change after he died. And why it suddenly bothered her now when she had already addressed this feeling. But through her loud yet embarrassing sobs, she felt a weight being lifted from her chest. A weight that had been there for years without her knowledge.  

“I miss you, Papa,” she said once she was able to regain herself. “I wish you were still here so everything can go back to the way it was. I wish you were here now to see the young woman that I’ve become and how strong our family has turned out, especially Nana even though she may have her moments.”

Sydney sniffled before she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. 

“I guess all I can really say now is...thank you, for everything.”

Sydney looked down at the lump and smiled as she felt the warm, late afternoon breeze brush against her. She lied down on the ground with her face facing the lump and slowly closed her eyes as she recalled a childhood memory of her grandfather. 

“What’s wrong, Mija,” he would ask her.

Sydney approached her grandfather in the living room where he rocked in his rocking chair one late afternoon, crying.

“I want...mommy,” she said in between sobs.

“You want your mother,” he asked.

She nodded.

“Your mother will be back,” he promised. “She’s going to school.”

“School,” she asked.

Her grandfather nodded.

“Like how you have to go to school, she needs to go to school too.”

Sydney sniffled and wiped her nose and eyes with the back of her hand.

“Do you want to relax with Papa,” her grandfather asked.

Sydney nodded as she wiped her eyes again.

“Well come here,” her grandfather said as he shifted himself to make room for her in his rocking chair.

Sydney climbed onto the chair and laid down on her grandfather with her head rested on his chest. Her grandfather put his arm around her as he began to rock. He rubbed her back as he began to hum and sing his made-up lullaby. 

“Go to sleep, my little baby. Go to sleep, my little baby. The sky is so blue and the ocean too, ooh ooh ooh.”

As her grandfather sang it again, Sydney’s eyes grew heavy. She immediately forgot why she was crying as she eased herself to sleep.