Lucy's Resolutions

Lucy’s New Year's Resolutions

1) Eat Healthily:  I’ve really let myself go since breaking up with Marcus. Eighteen years, we’d been together and splitting up has been hard. Didn’t help my self-esteem that he’d left me for his blonde-bimbo of a twenty-something secretary. I’m only thirty eight!

Somehow, local takeaways recognise me just by the sound of my voice. And they know what I’m going to order. When did that happen? I’ve got a loyalty card off two of them for Christmas, too. I’ve saved Just-Eat and Deliveroo to my Favourites…but hasn’t everyone?  

Bless her, but kindly Mrs Merton, the elderly widow next door doesn’t help either. Do I really need a three course, home-cooked meal every Saturday? I know she means well, but seriously? That main course is a mountain of mashed potato, veg, Yorkshire Puddings and some roast meat on its own. It’s a round of Woman vs Food in its own right, without the bowls of soup and pudding-with-custard filled to the brim, too. Delicious, though, don’t get me wrong.

And I suppose I did over-indulge a bit at Christmas. But it was Christmas! Don’t we all?

2) Delete the numbers of the takeaway companies from my mobile’s phone book:  Or at least take them off speed-dial. That's bordering on obsessive.

3) Find another homepage: When did I make the local bakery company's website my internet homepage, anyway? And why? Surely I can think of something more fitting than a bakery when I log in?

4) Exercise More: I knew it had been a bad idea to put the treadmill and the exercise bike in storage! “Just while you get back on your feet, love,” Mum had said. Yeah, right. Marcus had left in May. I’d moved into this tiny, dingy, one-bed apartment in June, and the gym equipment has been gathering dust in storage ever since. It's New Year's Eve, for goodness' sake! The fees for keeping them where they are would be better off in my bank account than in the storage company’s, anyway. 

On second thoughts…

5) Sell the gym equipment and put the money in a savings account:  I could do with the money for the holiday my elder sister, Kay has been begging me for months to go on with her. And between that holiday and the fact that our three brothers and their broods are coming up for Christmas next year, I’m going to need to save up.

6) Drink less alcohol: You’d think I’d have learned my lesson after the first time I woke up in a police cell. The clang of the hatch as it was opened, a green eye peering at me with tangible but unseen disapproval, the smell of disinfectant reminiscent of a hospital, not quite covering the distinct odours of vomit and urine, the ache in my hip from the thin, torn, stained, poor excuse of a mattress, the drunk next door arguing at the police officer, Kay’s disappointed silence as she picked me up and drove me home.

And I still can’t remember how I managed to break my leg. That was particularly scary. It was a bad break and took months to heal properly. Alcohol must have numbed the pain. Or maybe it was the painkillers. Kay’s exasperated sigh as she picked me up from the hospital, Not again, Luce. Unsaid, but implied.

7) Take up painting again:  I used to love doing that. I’d been good at it, too. Used to sell quite a few paintings before getting together with Marcus. It stopped when he and I got married. He hadn’t approved of it. Called it “time wasting” when I could have been cooking nutritious meals for us both, or keeping in shape, or having Botox or other plastic surgery.

8) Learn a new language: Always wanted to learn Mandarin. Now's the time to start.

9) Get a job: Marcus had always been the breadwinner, said I didn’t need to bother with work, and besides, I’d have him to look after, and I couldn’t do that if I was at work. A “lady of leisure”, he’d called me. But Marcus was long-gone now, and I’m not a lady of leisure any more. I need a job... I want a job.  

10) Adopt a dog: Always loved animals.   I would have had a houseful of dogs and cats, if it wasn’t for Marcus’ allergies.

Having said that, his sister and his mum had had dogs throughout our marriage, and they’d never set his “allergies” off. His dad had a cat, too, and again, Marcus had not had so much as a sniffle. And there are rumours his blonde bimbo has both cats and dogs. He’s not here now. I can have my houseful of pets if I want to. And a dog would help me get more exercise without the expense of gym equipment.

11) Travel more: We never did go to Barbados or the Maldives, or Egypt as Marcus had promised. There was never any time, he’d said, or we’d never had enough money, or work was too hectic. But we had plenty of money for sports cars and the fancy villa on the top of a hill, and gym memberships complete with personal trainers, and he’d had five weeks off every year.

12) Enrol on a degree at university: I’d always wanted to learn art history. Another thing Marcus had put paid to. I’m beginning to feel sorry for his new girlfriend. Maybe she’s done me a favour.

13) Reconnect with old friends:  What had happened to Lesley and Thomas, Pete and Kelly, Marie, Sharon and Anthony? We’d been so close throughout school, right up to my relationship with Marcus. Then, one by one, they’d faded away. Had we just drifted apart? Grown up? Or was something more sinister going on?

14) Make new friends: New Year, new me, new friends. I can't wait to meet new people and start to rebuild my life. A life free from Marcus.

15) De-clutter: I don’t need the things Marcus gave me, for a start. Getting rid of them would free up a lot more space. That ruby necklace with matching bracelet, earrings and ring, and the gold watch, the diamond-encrusted jewellery case, and the designer sofa and bed and handbag and shoes all look out of place in this cheap, dusty, run-down, damp apartment in the poverty-stricken, drug-fuelled, (that’s one vice I haven’t fallen into, thank goodness), crime-rich area of the city. It’s a wonder they haven’t already been nicked. Why have I held on to them for so long, anyway?

16) Be kind to myself: I’ve been too hard on myself for far too long, trying to be the woman a worthless excuse of a man wanted me to be. Reproaching myself for not being a better wife, for not being slim enough, for not having a film star’s body or a supermodel’s chest, legs and face. I deserve more from myself.

17) Learn from the marriage:  Marcus is obviously a narcissist. I can see that now. I’m better off without him.  Now I need to learn the red flags and the signs I ignored for so long, and never, ever let myself be drawn in by superficial charm and a dazzling smile again.