One and a wakeup. Jason Connelly's story

Somebody was knocking on the door,the quick rasps hurt my throbbing head. Knock knock knock. 

       “I'm coming jesus. I heard you already man.” I thought.  My rancid mouth was cotton, Morning breath that would slap one’s face if smelled. 

I stumbled as I walked down the stairs of my tennessee condo, the carpet smooshed underneath, better than waking up behind a bar like my last bender. 

I imagined I looked like hell, considering how much filthy liquor I drank last night. I wasnt gonna make it. 

Police? What are they doing here? They saw me through the opaque door’s  glass. I had a couple seconds to respond. My heart was sunken. 

I wondered what I had done last night, my most recently self destructive bender. There could be a pile of cocaine or an overdosed hooker in my bathroom. Nowhere to run. I'd be caught in a heartbeat. Time toman up and face the consequences like I was standing before my company commander.

”Mr Connelly? Jason Connelly? We need to speak with you, it's urgent.”

I opened up the door. The glare of the sun hit me in the morning. Sweet fresh air filled my condo and blew away the acrid cigarette smoke dangling from my mouth. Like a ghoul I winced . I must've looked like one. My bladder was about to burst, I smelled like crap and felt like crap too.  

”Are you… Jason Connelly?” 

I nodded, “yeah” I cleared my throat from phlegm. It had been awhile since I  had spoken. “Yes occifer..officer, that's me. What did you need?”

The senior officer had done this before obviously, his usmc tattoo was very visible on his forearm. 

       ”I’m sorry to tell you this Jason but we've…found your mother under the piers of wilmington beach last night. 

I rubbed my eyes, “and? On the beach? Doing what?”

He took several moments,” She’s passed away Jason, it appears to be an overdose. I'm sorry.” he said somberly in the way a senior cop would.

”Nah man what d’ya mean? Nothings killin’ that ol’ broad.”  tears started welling up. 

”I’m sorry Sir. She's gone. She had some possession on her, youll have to come pick them up in  North Carolina. Here’s my card, call me when you're ready or if you need anything. There's counseling at the VA. Anything you need just ask. 

“I will brother, I appreciate it. I'm gonna go,” I closed the door. Nothing else to be said.  

       Every trivial concern of mine, just vanished. Bills? Who cares. My sister's hateful email message? Doesn't matter. My mother was dead. Every degenerate thing I’d done flashed in my head. I'd be next if I didn't change my ways.  I suppose she couldn't take it anymore. A lifetime of abuse from dad, I'm glad he's dead. Enjoy hell assh*le. 

    After a few weeks of mourning.  I went to the beach where she had died, unceremoniously,unloved and unhonored. She was lying in a pool of vomit, cold and alone. 

I couldn't bring myself to attend the funeral, just couldn't do it.  I almost did. I turned the keys but stopped. 

    At least this way I could pretend she was alive.  Waking up God knows where after yet another bender, checking my phone and seeing dozens of missed calls from her. At Least it was something. 

I finally sobbed deep bittersweet tears on that cold lonely beach which was such a relief. I felt something for once.

Enough of this feeling nonsense, Time to drink this gut rot vodka.

I drank that swill till I slept out, I awoke to the wind and the sky getting dark. I stripped to my skivvies and swam in the cold ocean, my skinny malnourished frame forcing itself against the freezing waters. I needed a baptism of icy cold pain, a watery redemption.

     The alcohol and drugs wouldn't bring  her back or drown the pain of my abusive father. I swam out to the buoy that had rocked back and forth for decades , a small part in my childhood. A place to reach and a place to realize I wasn't worthless like he said.  

      This beach that had so long been our happy place, a place to escape him, like father like son.  I chuckled. I'm such a disappointment. I ran my fingers through the sand.I just wanted to be anywhere but there now. Too much pain, I left.

     I flew back to tennessee.  The next few weeks were much the same. Work was work. Bills were bills. Life….wasn't living. I didn’t know what to say or deal with our fractured family. 

   I bought Lacy from a sports store downtown, it became my new lover. 

“ That’s why you're such a dumbass screw up! We're through! I'm throwing your stuff out of my apartment.” My girlfriend just broke up with after the sports store, Whatever. 

      Years had passed since then. My sweet Lacy would ride with me eternal, till the end. Icy cold in its grip, staying in the bed with me like the freezing nights during my time as a US marine, there were many like it but this one was mine. 

    Would she be my end? Would she give me the final kiss of death. I often held it and wondered what my Mom’s last few thoughts were like, was she scared or was it final sweet relief from our pain. The sorrows never ending like it was yesterday.

I called my sister out of the blue.I was about to break. She didn't answer. She hated my guts since my time in prison.  I was a monster. 

It was time.. Not gonna blow my head off, don't want to leave a mess for anyone to see, considerate till the end.  A suicide cocktail… yeah. That's nice and peaceful. I was a marine. I deserved a nice death. 

I took pills and swallowed Vodka. Visions of my sweet children came into my thoughts. I could've been so much better. Time to go to sleep. Night night cruel world. I flipped myself off in the mirror. 

I woke up in the rehab hospital today. How am I still alive? 

       “I'm glad you called me.. You almost didn't make it.” said the officer that came to my door. I was a jarhead too, we never leave our own behind.”

It wasn’t my time yet.  I was determined to fight this world till the bitter end. Time for some pt.