The Christmas Gift

You are giving your sister-in-law coat hangers?

Yes, two sets. What’s wrong with coat hangers?

I would not call coat hangers an endearing gift.

Who said it was an endearing gift?

What has she done to you? I have never heard you say one word about her.

Indeed, I don’t know her at all, but Webster doesn’t care much for his sister.

Your husband, whom I have always had concerns about, doesn’t like his sister. Why?

I’m not sure. From what I can tell, Webster and his sister have never been close. Marie seems like a likable person.

Let me get this straight: The man who sold you your car honed in on the fact that you were a single woman paying cash for a car, and you decided to marry him after a year. His sister didn’t attend your wedding, or the reception because no one attended the ceremony. To this day, I don’t know who witnessed the momentous occasion.  The question is, what did his sister do to him?

I don’t know.

Aren’t you curious to know more about her and their non-relationship?

Like I said, I don’t know.

You don’t want to know because you fear what Marie has to say. I have had reservations about your husband ever since you told me about the birthday celebration you planned and his insistence on wanting his mother to see the house YOU bought.

What are you talking about?

 You know, but let me refresh your memory. For his sixth birthday, you rented a banquet room at this restaurant with food and music. His sister declined the invite, but you begged her to come—all in vain. I remember you telling me that only three people showed up. That says reams.

What else do you remember?

You had just purchased that new house in northern Virginia, and your husband wanted his Mom to see it. Webster’s sister had taken their Mom to her hometown in southern Virginia, and he wanted his sister to stop by on their way back to DC. Sis refused. Your husband made what I think was a bizarre suggestion. Do you remember?

He wanted his sister to stop at a gas station near the house, and he would pick their Mom up there.

I recall his sister saying no to his plan. But who would suggest dropping their 80-year-old Mom at a gas station? What kind of love is that?

I must admit that I was both concerned and disappointed about those incidents.

How about when you both visited his Mom when his sister pulled up, parked the car, and accidentally slammed her fingers in the door? He watched it happen and showed no concern; you said he told his Mom that nothing was wrong with his sister. His sister rushed in to have her husband run cold water and get ice for her fingers. She ended up at the hospital.

Well, that is what happened. What do you want me to say?

My friend, I think you are in denial.

You make no sense. Denial about what?

Your husband.

Explain.

Listen, as your sorority sister, dear friend, and a licensed psychologist, your husband has the traits of a narcissist. You see them but don’t want to admit it to yourself. 

I agree that he may have some issues.

Issues, you say. Let me identify a few for you. Webster has no empathy, which is a characteristic of a narcissist. The fact that he had no feelings for his sister when she had that incident with her fingers is a good example. He was planning to pick up his Mother at a gas station to show her the new house…that’s all about him—no regard for how his mother felt about it. Then there’s the time when he became up set that his sister had replaced a picture hanging on the wall in their mother's home with a mirror. He took the mirror off the wall in anger and placed it outside. He told his mother he wanted the picture put back up. There was nothing your mother could say to him—anger issues.

Alright, you may be right. Let’s say that I agree with your diagnosis. What should I do?

There was an incident that happened in Martha’s Vineyard that I didn’t tell you about.

Let me hear it.

We went to this shop after lunch, and while browsing around, a woman approached Webster and asked if he was an NBA player. The woman called the player by name. Webster pretended that he was that basketball player. He told the woman he was this player and never said he wasn’t. He even carried on a conversation lying the whole time. I stood there in shock and didn’t know what to say.

Did you ask him why he did that?

He said he felt like and that was the end of that. It seemed to me that he didn’t think he did anything wrong. I didn’t like it, but what could I do?

Another narcissist characteristic trait is wanting to appear successful, having a big ego, and self-aggrandizement.

Connie, my friend, are you afraid of your husband? 

I’m not sure.

I think you are in denial about your husband, Connie. He needs help if he is willing to get it. You are an enabler if you are aware of these traits but won’t confront him. What are you going to do? Continue to ignore or be assertive and confront?

My mind has been all over the place. At times, I know I need to talk to him, but then I question the consequences of having the talk. I need to speak to someone for guidance. Could you recommend someone?

First, you need to educate yourself about narcissism. Look on Amazon. There are plenty of books on the subject and support groups. Living with someone who has NPD, which is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, can affect the partner. I will speak with my colleagues about support groups for you.

Ashley, thank you. I have been ashamed and in denial for a while.

You are not alone. There are many walking in your shoes. You know I bet your sister-in-law has a lot of stories to tell about Webster and he probably resents her that and much more. I wouldn’t be surprised if she have been abused by his narcissism.

I wondered about that. 

Now, your first step toward dealing with your husband’s narcissistic abusive behavior is this Christmas gift for your sister-in-law. Put the hangers in a box and wrap them up with a card saying they are from Webster. You purchase a nice collection of spa items for her and include a card that invites her to lunch. Just the two of you.

I don’t know if I can do that.

Connie, if you have reservations about these two separate Christmas gifts, you have a problem, my friend. The best Christmas gift you could give your self…facing the truth.