A Whimpering Roar

His applause, instead of echoing off the walls backstage, soaked into the thick red curtains. Paul Blaggert’s hands started to hurt, so he stopped clapping. Lisa couldn’t have heard him, she was on stage taking her bows. But he knew that she heard it in her heart.

“Paul! Stop staring and pull the curtain!” shout whispered Mrs. Golden, the stage director.

He grabbed at the rope, and yanked on it. The cardinal drapery swished and swayed, and then Lisa’s hand pushed it aside, and gave Paul a big hug.

“We did so well out there! Don’t you think we did great!”

Paul stammered, hugging her back.

“Hold up big guy, that’s my girl!” Derrick Grass, the lead of the play slapped Paul’s shoulder, a giant grin across his face. Lisa shucked Paul off, and clinged to Derrick. Paul sheepishly cupped his hands in each other, and turned his shoulders inward. “I didn’t mean anything Derrick.”

“I know Paul, you never mean anything. I was just joking with you,” Derrick peeled Lisa off of him, and embraced Wendy, who late one night had entered the dressing room when Derrick was inside. Paul heard gagging noises inside, but she came out with a smile on her face.

“Great work everyone! It looks like we were half full tonight, what a great crowd. I think we will have even more tomorrow night.” Mrs Golden beamed. Paul felt it too. Tonight was a great success. “Go out and celebrate. Tomorrow will be even better!” She clasped her hands together, and turned and left.

“So, I’m going to Applebee’s to celebrate, anyone want to come with me?” Paul asked to no one in particular.

“On a Friday night? Nah, were going to Don’s shindig on the lake. Lets go ladies, its time to get fucked up!” Derrick put his arms around the two women, and they walked out. Lisa turned to wave to Paul. One day she would come to Applebee’s. One day.

***

“Same thing, Paul?”

Brenda, his regular waitress, knew what he normally got. The Neighborhood Nachos, and a Quesadilla Burger. Washed down with a Mango Dream Dew and a chocolate cake for dessert. He got that every Friday, since he started coming to Applebees. Two years ago, Ursula, Betty, and Karen from work had announced that they we celebrating Betty’s pregnancy at the end of a particularly long shift. They technically invited everyone, but when Paul showed up, there wasn’t enough room at the table, so Paul sat at the nearest open one.

The ladies came the next week, and the following, but started tapering off. Paul came, and sat at the same table, week in, week out. “Actually, Brenda, I think I am going to eat something a little healthier.”

“Really?” She seemed incredulous.

“Yeah, I need to get in shape I think. If I am going to get the lead for the next play.”

“You are in a play? Where?”

“At the Premiere Playhouse. And technically, I’m just the second understudy for Derrick. I’m not on stage, yet.”

“What’s a second understudy?”

“Oh, its when if something happened to the lead, Derrick, and then if the understudy Mark couldn’t do it for some reason, then I would have to jump in.”

“How likely is that both of them are not able to do it?”

Paul looked down at the table. “Not very likely. And I think that Mrs. Golden’s son Jon would step in before me. He’s in a drama class over at the high school.”

“Hmm. So that’s not a second understudy.”

“No, its just what I call it. I don’t know what the word actually is…” Paul tapered off, and then looked up at Brenda, who started to look bored, “I know what I am going to order. Tex Mex shrimp bowl and Quesadilla Chicken Salad. And a Diet Coke!” He handed his menu to her, and smiled. It was going to be a whole new Paul. Starting right now.

***

He woke up at 6:58 am, showered and got in his light red KIA Cerato to drive to work. When he started working at Tel-Us nearly sixteen years ago, they told him he would only have to work one Saturday a month, as they rotated among the staff. Paul had been coming in for every Saturday for the last fifteen years of them. The management even let him pick between Tuesday and Wednesday for the his day off, unless a bunch of other people didn’t come in.

“Hello, this is Tel-Us, my name is Paul, how can I help you?”

“You can start by shutting the hell up and waiving my fee. I wasn’t late with my bill.”

Paul bit his lip and breathed in, “Of course, I am so sorry we charged you that fee, let me see what I can do.”

“You know what, let me speak to your manager. You can’t help me, such a low level peon like yourself can’t help an outstanding customer like me.”

“Of course, don’t mind me while I get them on the phone.”

Paul pushed a few buttons on his phone. “Marcie, someone wants to speak with you.”

“Okay Paul. Send them over.”

Paul brought his lunch, and a fresh podcast on his phone to listen to. He loved the self-help ones, and listened to them between calls, in the car, and on his lunch break. The newest one, led by Dr. Georgina Franklin, called Awakening Your Inner Boss Bitch, was so insightful. Paul put the earbuds in as he unpacked his lunch and turned it on.

“Listen, girls, you have to facilitate your inner boss bitch. You need to empower yourself to rationalize your luminescence, which brings strong energy into you and drives away bad. Realize that the empowered power lies within you, and push away those narcissistic gaslighters who want to steal your precious egg, which fragility lies at the heart of your fortress, strong and independent. You are perfect the way you are, and you just need to roar at the world! Roar, so everyone can hear you!”

Paul mouthed roar, and held up his balled first. He dropped it immediately, as he looked up and saw Marcie standing in front of him. He pulled out his earbuds, and folded his hands in his lap. “Sorry Marcie, was my break over already?”

“I don’t think so Paul, but I wanted to remind you we have an eval meeting when you are done. Come to my office for the meeting.”

“Ok Marcie, I’ll see you there.”

He stuffed his chicken salad sandwich in his mouth, and opened the bag of Doritoes to start eating them. He would definitely need to roar. It was time. Paul had sat for too long by himself, he needed to take charge, just like a lion would. He was a fortress, and fragile inside. Dr. Georgina was right. But how would he do that?

Paul thought while he consumed the cool ranch chips, and then it came to him. He would ask out Lisa. He always thought she was cute, and as far as he knew she was single. Lisa had a nasty divorce with her ex two years ago, and she hadn’t mentioned a boyfriend or anything.

That settled it. He would ask her out after the show tonight. It would be perfect. Getting a girl like Lisa would really help him roar. Paul finished his lunch, brushed the crumbs off his shirt, and headed to Marcie’s office.

She was not there when he arrived. She showed up a half hour later, finishing her own lunch. “Paul, I said to come after lunch, you didn’t need to cut it short.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize Marcie. I’m here now.”

Marcie sat down, across from Paul at her desk, and adjusted the picture of her family, two boys, one girl, and her husband, no wife now, Carmen. Her husband Carl transitioned, and it wasn’t polite to dead-name him. The picture on her desk showed Carmen with a short hair cut, and a cardigan. At the last winter break party she wore a short flower dress, and had florescent makeup on.

Marcie wistfully looked at the picture, and then turned to Paul. For some reason Marcie these days looked like she was on the verge of tears all the time. “Paul, I think you know how these go. I’ve been your manager for six years. You hit all the quality marks, you even have good empathy language. Out of the floor staff, I get the fewest complaints about you.”

“That’s good.”

“Yes, but its not good enough. You say the right words Paul, help the customers quickly and efficiently, and your fellow co-workers never have a bad thing to say about you. They barely speak of you at all, but that is beside the point. I don’t feel that you have true empathy for our customers. Deep inside. Mr. Gamibson, who you transferred to me earlier, said as much.”

“He did?”

“Yes, he didn’t feel like you truly cared about his late fee. He felt that you didn’t believe his story or understand that as an outstanding customer he wasn’t late.”

Paul looked up at Marcie’s face. Other than the watering in the corner of her eye, which was normal, she appeared to be serious. He turned his eyes down at his knees. “I’m sorry Marcie. After sixteen years of service, I should never have let that happen. I want all our customers to feel special.”

Marcie sighed. “I know you do Paul. Even the late ones.”

“So you waived his fee?”

Marcie scoffed. “Of course not. Mr. Gamibson is habitually late. Half of his late payment is late fees. I told him we were going to cancel his contract and report him to the credit agencies. He paid up immediately.”

“Oh.”

“But you can’t do that. You need to make our valued customers feel special. That's your job. And today, you didn’t do that.”

“Was it just that one?”

“Yes. I haven’t heard anything else from your other four dozen calls this morning. But I will have to have QA watch your calls closely over the next few weeks. Just to make sure this isn’t a pattern. You were such a good team member, lets not let that slip. Okay?”

Paul gulped. “Of course not Marcie. I’ll do better. I promise.”

“Great. Now get back out there. We got to finish today strong. Oh, and I’m going to need you to come in tomorrow. I know you don’t typically work Sundays, but a bunch of the girls are heading to Las Vegas short notice tonight, and I need someone to cover the phones. I know you can do it.”

Paul walked back to his cubicle quickly, and plopped down onto his office chair. He took a few minutes to catch his breath, and put his headset on his head. There was an angry feeling swelling in his guts. Paul shook his head, and pushed it down as best he could. He couldn’t afford to feel that way. It was time to roar.

“Hello, thank you for calling Tel-Us, my name is Paul, how can I help you?”

***

“Are you okay Paul, you look sweatier than normal tonight?” Mrs. Golden glared at him.

“Oh, I’m okay. I’m just nervous about tonight.”

“Why, you just open and close the curtains. Its not a hard job Paul.”

“I know. Say, Mrs. Golden, I was thinking, maybe I could get on stage for the Monday show. I know that the weekends are the big shows, but I have been practicing the lines everyday, and I am getting really good.”

Mrs. Golden tilted her head, and squinted at Paul. “I’ll tell you what Paul, you can read them to me on Tuesday.”

“Tuesday? Isn’t that when we start breaking down the sets and getting ready for the next show?”

“Yes Paul, you can read your lines to me on the stage while the rest of the crew is breaking down the sets. I’ll be your audience. I figure I owe you that after helping out for ten years here.”

“And if I read them well?”

Mrs. Golden chuckled a little. “In the event that happens, you can audition for some roles in the next play. Not the leads mind you, but maybe one of the one line or numbered parts. Salesman #2 or something. To be honest, I need a little distraction as I go through the options for the next play.”

Paul smiled. It was time to roar. He would get on stage, and just wow everyone. He knew his empowered egg needed to facilitate his luminescence, and his opportunity had just happened. Now, he just needed to wait until his moment to ask Lisa out.

The show began, and Paul opened the curtain. He stood by, waiting for the scene change. Lisa gave him a quick hug after the first act, “I think its going well tonight. How is the view from back here Paul?”

“Oh you look great. And the audience looks like they like it.”

“Thanks Paul, could you have a diet Pepsi back here for me after the next scene change? I’m getting parched and I don’t have time to run all the way back to the fridge.”

“Of course Lisa, I’m at your service.” Paul felt a great swell of pride in his chest. She needed him. It was amazing!

He still was basking in that glow when the next act ended, and he hit Lisa accidentally with the curtain when he pulled it to late. “Paul, that hurt! Did you get my drink?” Paul handed to her as she changed into her next costume.

Before he knew it, the audience was applauding, and the cast was taking their final bows. Paul clapped as loud as he could. It was time. His heart started to pound in his chest, and his hands felt clammy. Lisa ran off stage, and hugged him. “Can you believe it Paul? They were throwing roses on stage. I’m on cloud nine!”

“I can. Lisa, there is something really important I want to ask you.”

Derrick came back, and Lisa turned to jump up into his arms. “We did so great out there. I feel like we should win a Tony for this!”

Derrick started to laugh, and put Lisa down. “Its just community theater Lisa, don’t get too excited. Mrs. Golden bought those roses from the funeral home for the audience to throw.” Wendy came in off stage. She eyed Lisa with daggers, and frowned.

“I’m sorry, but I need to ask Lisa something, really important.” Paul panted out.

Derrick looked concerned all of a sudden. “What? Did someone die?”

“No, I wanted to see if you, Lisa, wanted to go out on a date with me. If you don’t like Applebee’s, we can go to Olive Garden.” Paul let it hang out there, in the heavy velvet of the curtain.

Nobody said anything for what seemed like a very pregnant minute, and then Derrick burst out laughing. “Wait, you are serious? My man, that’s the best joke I’ve heard all day!”

Then Wendy started giggling, and Mrs. Golden chuckled. Andrew, Derrick’s understudy, started snorting. For her part, Lisa looked mortified. She composed herself, and then breathed a deep breath out of her nose.

“Paul, we could never do that. I value you too much as a friend. I mean, you are like a brother to me. It would be wrong to date my brother, don’t you think?”

“Oh yes, that it definitely wrong. I’m sorry for even asking.”

Lisa put her hand on his shoulder. “Don’t apologize Paul. You were just caught up in the moment of how great our play is. I get it. Friends still?” She held out her hand.

Paul hesitated, and then shook it. “Friends.”

“That's great. Now you can still help me move on Wednesday? I really need your help.”

“I probably can. I might have to work, though.”

“You got to take it off if you do. I really need help. My landlord wants me out, and Andrew found me a new place that is $200 cheaper. But I need to move in before the end of the week to get that. You don’t want to cost me that apartment, do you Paul?”

***

“Back again Paul? You usually don’t come in on Saturday. Celebrating something?” Brenda peered over his menu.

“Yeah, celebrating something. Play was a big hit tonight.”

“That's great. I think that I am going to have to come down there and watch one. I didn’t even know we had a playhouse here in Sioux Falls.”

“Its really a great thing.”

“I bet, how did you ever get involved with it Paul?”

Paul set the menu down. “I guess that I needed something to do after work, and one of the girls at Tel-Us started going.”

“You went for a girl?” Brenda chided.

“No, I mean yes, but not just for that. She went and married the lead of the first play I worked on. It wasn’t meant to be I guess.”

“Did you ever tell her?”

“I tried, but there never was a right moment.”

“Anyway, do you know what you want? Going to go with the healthier option again tonight?”

Paul picked the menu back up. “No, its back to my regular. Neighborhood Nachos and Quesadilla Burger. I’m perfect the way I am.”