Intermundium

INTERMUNDIUM 

It was as if the music were inside of her. Pounding downward onto her shoulders, into her ribs and down, pulling her into a rhythm that she hadn’t realized she had lost in the last long years. It wasn't the music as much as, the final exasperated acceptance, just a few hours ago, that she deserved a break and now she was here, the music living inside of her, her body untethered from her mind and for the first time since she could remember, she stopped thinking. The sound turned to nothing more than a feeling of vibration and an unidentifiable wall of tones with the back drop of kaleidoscope colors and lights, a bed, a cocoon of intense peace and rage and heat and deep jovial bliss. She brought her awareness back to herself. Slowly, to savor the moment. Reminding herself that she is allowed to do this. She is perfectly allowed to do as she pleases to make herself happy. That’s what it’s all about anyway, right? All the teeth gnashing, the final decision to step out and ask for help, the entire community she had built.  Whose shoes had she been in these last years, she wondered? Thinking back to a much younger self, she doesn’t see the potential of someone built for what she's been through. It’s not a weakling she sees but it is far from what she had become. Now looking at herself, feeling complete but also prepared to grow into something else that she knows or hopes she doesn’t understand here, right now. Maybe the surprise of it all, was in part necessary for her reaction to be so great. Maybe if she had seen it coming, she would have hidden, she would have given in but she didn’t. It had all hit her so fast. It had hit with such force and from all directions and all she could do was respond with something. Taking in her surroundings clearly now, Ashanti raised her arms, more consciously dancing now and motioning for her friend's attention. She had moved away from the group, being swept up in the realization that she was free, among all the commotion and ambiance, and lost herself on the dance floor. Her friends kept a watchful eye on her. Unknowing of her situations or recent accomplishments. Unknowing that she is watching over them in kind.  

Ashanti kept her gaze on her friends, hitting a spin move while dancing toward the bar where they stood. “What are you doing? Come out with me.” she said, bobbing her head back toward where she came from. For a second she wondered how she had been separated in the first place but quickly attributed it to all the excitement.  

Sam jumped forward and danced her way toward Ashanti. She was holding her right hand closed tightly around something small and she kept her hand close to her chest as she approached. Ashanti noticed the attention Sam was trying to bring to her hand, the big goofy smile on her face and the eyes darting from hand to Ashanti, Ashanti to hand. “Come with me to the bathroom!” she explodes and then slightly less loud “Let's get right and come back out here and get it.” Of course Sam had the means to “get right” whatever fun you might need, that you once had a DARE assembly about, she had a reputation for getting her hands on. Any considerations Ashanti made to take whatever Sam was offering were so quick as to be questioned if they occurred at all. Another gear turning because it was told by the gear next to it. And Ashanti is moving. Moving her body across the floor in the small wake that Sam is leaving behind herself. Sams blonde and red hair bouncing underneath the lights. When Ashanti dips her head she admires her own braids doing their own dance around her crown. She admires her hands under the lights. Her strong and practiced hands. The new manicured golden tips of her nails and the way they played off of her brown skin. She was fully alive and the world could almost see her, she felt.  

When she came to, her hands were on her knees and she was breathing heavily. Confused. Her throat was swollen. She focuses on breathing; she is breathing but in her mind  she pictures wind blowing through a small opening between rocks. An opening that could represent safety to something out there but the hole is just that  much too small. But she can breathe. She focuses. The music is coming through the walls, she feels it coming up through from her insides, from deep. It burns its way up through her chest and explodes out of her head. She can manage this. Where is Sam? What did she take? And why the hell was she alone in this stall?  

“Sam?” No response. “Sammy, where are you?” 

She exited the stall and stood looking left then right. There was no one here. It wasn’t that she could see that no one was there, it was that she could feel that no one was there. She stayed looking toward the far wall for what felt to her like hours once she had snapped herself out of a trance. She wondered what drug she had taken. She felt warm and fuzzy but also empty but that was probably hunger. The music droned on up and out of her, unpleasant but bearable. She would want to leave soon. Again, that alone feeling in this bathroom. She feels her being in that room and is acutely aware that she is alone and for a second she feels something new. For a split second, standing there in that bathroom, accomplished and high Ashanti, beautiful and strong and have never in her life more than this second, felt like prey.  

The intensity of the feeling was fleeting but it created a scar on her soul that she would feel for forever.  

“Sam?” she moved toward the door, single-mindedly. Just get back around people, she thought. Everything is fine. Here comes Sam, moving through the crowd. Her eyes are set straight forward. “Sam!” she looks over and her eyes wander a bit before they catch on. She looks confused and annoyed. She takes another step toward the bathroom but then locks eyes again.  

“What?” Sam says, almost rudely.  

“Sam, what is going on?” Ashanti begins to question. 

 Sam is immediately exasperated. “You just came out the bathroom. Was anybody in there with you?” 

“No, you left.” 

Sam looked on, confused. “Look, my friend went missing. She was last in that bathroom.” Ashanti stood and listened as Sam described herself to herself and was growing too confused to respond. Before she could sort her thoughts, Sam was halfway to the bathroom. Ashanti followed.  

When she opened the door to the bathroom she felt her breath being pulled from her lungs. Her lungs had turned against her and had spitefully gave all that they had and she fell headfirst into the room.  

“Sam!” 

She wasn’t here again. Ashanti was alone. Alone with something, she could feel it but not see it. She felt it watching from the corners and from behind the stall doors, she could feel its fingers prying underneath her skin. She begins to feel weak and at noticing that, she begins to feel anger. She balls her fists and breathes in as deep as she can and then she's back on the dance floor.  

Here comes Sam again and this time Ashanti moves in front of her, blocking her path.  

“Sam, what the hell?” 

Sam looks enraged, she raises her arms and pushes Ashanti away. “Who are you? I don’t know you.” she snarls at her. She turns away as to leave but then turns back. “I am sorry but my friend is missing. I’m so scared and I’m not trying to be rude.” 

Ashanti feels her heart drop. What was she hearing? Was Sam that high? Was the world losing its marbles tonight? Sam described Ashanti to Ashanti. Ashanti looked at her hard but concerned.  

“I am right here, Sam.” she says slowly. Sam face is bubbling between rage and tears. Ashanti feels the feeling of prey again. Out here on the dance floor now, among the fun and smiles and alcohol and there is something hunting here. She grabs Sam roughly by the arm and drags her to the bathroom. Sam fights at first but then complies. She just wants a moment for them to sit quietly in the bathroom and get their things together. She pushes open the door and feels Sam pull away but she pulls her harder into the bathroom just as her breath is torn from her lungs. She doesn’t have to open her eyes to know that she is alone again.  

She feels her senses going haywire, the lights have turned into burning stars here on earth with her and the sound of music has turned into deafening airplane engines and hacking dogs.  

“What did you take?” It asks her.  

“I don’t know, I didn’t take anything.” She screams back into the now blinding white void of the bathroom. She can feel things moving underneath the floor she is balled up on. She imagines giant spiders moving under the floor, walking across the ceiling of an abyss to their perspective and then she’s through the floor and falling.  

“You were nothing. You do not deserve the lights.” Its voice booms through her.   

She feels immense weight on her shoulders and she feels solid floor beneath her again. The roaring in her ears doesn’t stop and the voice reaches through like fingers prying “Give it back.” Vicious and accusing.  

Her forehead pressed to the floor,  she focuses on the feeling of the predatory eyes watching her. The hands at her back pushing her knees being ground into the floor and through her teeth she spits “It was always mine. I was always this strong.”  

What she feels she cannot explain. A surge from her deepest parts, it wraps itself around her veins and around her heart. She sees a younger self appear among the white and she is surrounded at her feet by shadows that lick at her ankles. From behind, black clouds and flying things with bloody teeth reach out to her and she stops in her tracks. The young Ashanti tightens her fists and turns to face what is coming for her. She breathes deep and searches for something inside herself to keep her feet planted. “I have this.” she says.  

Ashanti does not see what happens, but she knows because she had been there. Even if she had not understood at the time, now she could look back and understand her choices. She was holding something inside that she was still growing to understand but to the people around her and to the people that would come to pass her by as she would move about the world, they would feel something. 

Ashanti breathes deep, she doesn’t realize her eyes are closed and when she opens them she sees the dance floor. Everybody is here for a reason and she can feel the intention in the air. Everyone is happy. She looks over toward the bar where she left her friends. They were drinking and she needed to dance so she came out here sober and solo. Sam locked eyes with Ashanti over the distance. She could see Sam yell something over the music, but she cannot hear the words. Whatever it is, Sam is definitely excited about it. She starts dancing her way to Ashanti with her hand balled tight in front of her chest.