The Forgotten Child

I used to have this recurring dream that I’m on the roof of a large building.  It’s dark and gloomy, maybe a little rainy.  I can see the silhouette of this girl sitting on the ledge very close to the edge of the building.  I can hear her heavy breathing like she’s been crying.

I’m not sure if I should say something or if I should just walk away but as I am trying to make a decision I hear her crackling voice, “What do you want?”  I really didn’t know what to say. So I’m polite, “Did you need some help?”.

“No, no one can help me.”, this small fragile voice says, “Why would you even care?”.  She had a point, I didn’t know her.  I couldn’t really even see her,  “I could hear you crying and just wanted to make sure you were ok.” 

Then this mousy voice had the nerve to ask “Why?, What does it matter to you?”.

“Why are you even here?”.  She was right but I felt like I couldn’t just leave, “You're right I don’t know you but I can see that maybe you need someone to talk to.”

She laughs, “Do you think I’m going to do something crazy?”.  I look her way wanting to say “yes'' but I was afraid it would make the situation worse.  “I’m not sure, but I do feel there was a reason why I came over”

I just stood there for a few minutes not sure what to say next but edging closer, ever so slowly so she wouldn’t notice.  I can hear her little voice, “Do you think everyone has the right to be here?”  I contemplate the words but I don’t know how to answer her.

She continues, “Do you think that everyone on Earth deserves to be here?”  I can make out her silhouette as she continues,

“I try, I really do

But some days I just want

To lay down and close my

Eyes and drift off into nothing”

I can hear the shakiness in her voice, she’s holding back her tears, “I didn’t deserve what I got.  At Least that’s what I tell myself. It was all a mistake, the wrong person.”  Again she asks, “Do you think that everyone deserves a second chance?”  I smile to myself and think now that is a question for the ages.  I take a deep breath and say, “Let me tell you a story”.

There was this little girl.  She lived a very unhappy childhood.  Her father left when she was very young and then her mother remarried to a man that was not a good person.  He did things that a father should never do to a child, even if he was a step parent but the physical pain was not what hurt her but the emotional.  Because of the awful things that happened to her she grew up hating herself.  Loathing the person she was.  Every time she saw herself in the mirror it was just a reminder of how horrible of a human she thought she was.  She spent years hiding herself from others as well as herself, believing she did not deserve to be happy.  She even went as far as to remove as many mirrors as she could from her life so she could never see or be reminded of the person she knew she really was.  She felt she deserved to be unhappy and alone.  

I could tell this girl seemed interested in the story the further I went on.  I could see her move closer to the roof top and further from the edge.  “What happened to her”, the girl asked.

FInding this to be a good sign I continue, “She spent many years pretending that she was ok.  The problem though, was that she never really dealt with her issues.  She just buried them deep inside.  Swallowing down all the bad things that happened to her until one day she just couldn’t take in any more.  The crazy thing about holding on to things is at some point it all comes back up and resurfaces.  And all those bad things from her past came back and in a flood and it felt like it happened just yesterday.

She finally had to admit that bad things happened to her and to accept that it wasn’t her fault.  She was not to blame and as hard as it was she had to spend the next part of her life reminding herself of that and trying to just be happy.  As I looked up I noticed that the girl had turned around and was sitting on the inside of the ledge. “But how was she able to move on?” the girl asked, “how could she live with everything that happened to her?”.  

I seriously thought about the questions before I answered, “Truthfully, she forgave herself.  She finally admitted that the person that was hardest on her was herself.  She made herself feel ugly and unimportant.  She realized that even though other people had hurt her, it was herself that allowed the hurt to continue and eat her up inside.  She chose to feel unworthy and useless.  When she truly accepted what happened and said it out loud into the universe, that was when she could feel herself healing and knew she could move forward.  She saw the world in a whole new light.  

I looked over at the silhouette and could feel a lightness in the air and it wasn’t as dark as before.  The night was almost over.  The girl slid down from the ledge and slowly walked over to me.  She took my hand and gently rubbed it on her cheek, “I forgive you too and I have always loved you.”   She moved into the light and shock spread across my face.  It was me, younger, the forgotten child.  Tears started rolling down my face.  I embraced her saying I’m sorry, so sorry as she disappeared and I woke up.