Golden Hour

“Okay, what do I do?”

I watch Henley continue to type on her laptop resting on her lap, her feet propped up on a chair she positioned in front of her. Focused on what she’s doing, I follow her eyes, going back and forth, staring at her laptop screen. I probably shouldn’t bother her more, but I don’t even care. I need to know what she thinks. 

“Hello?” I basically sing to her, trying to get her attention. 

Radio silence.

Without even thinking, I grab my pencil case and chuck it right at her.

“OW!” she exclaims, clutching her chest. Henley takes my pencil case off her laptop where it slid after it hit her and hurls it back at me with the strength of She-Hulk.

“OWWWW, what the heck? You got me right in the face.” 

“Serves you right for interrupting me while I was in the zone. I was this close to finishing my song, Jared.” 

Henley’s index finger and thumb are practically touching, rendering it nearly impossible for the human eye to see the miniscule gap she’ll claim is there. I’d need a magnifying glass to confirm that. 

“Your fingers are really close together.” I tell her, knowing I’ll annoy her off enough that she’ll stop to listen to me. 

Henley grits her teeth and attempts to hide her defeat. 

I can’t help the smirk that forms on my face. She knows I know she won’t be able to finish her work without dealing with the situation at hand. Something about the uncertainty in the air and Henley’s difficulty letting go won’t enable her to function well. It’s one of those quirks of hers that I’ve noticed early in our friendship. I’ve also noticed how she goes above and beyond to remind those she cares of how much they mean to her. It’s why she’s become one of my closest friends in the world. 

Which is why it’s important I get her take on this. 

“Okay.” She closes her laptop, puts it back in its sleeve while kicking her feet off the chair to sit properly. 

“What’s up?”

I take a deep breath. 

“I don’t know what to do about Nyla.” 

Henley rolls her eyes. 

“You’re kidding right? It’s simple. Tell her how you feel.” 

“Yeah, well, maybe I don’t know how.”

Henley adjusts her posture, bringing her hands together, leaning forward. My face heats as she stares me down with such intensity. I think about the many times I told Henley about Nyla. From the day I learned I had a class with her, to working up the courage to sit next to her, Henley was there for every moment. 

And now she’s witnessing the moment I struggle to admit my feelings.

Henley locks eyes with me, checking to see if I’m being sincere. 

“Why’s it hard for you this time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why is it hard for you this time?” She repeats, enunciating to make her point. “How’s this any different from when you asked out, Jules?”

My heart races at the thought of Nyla. All of our interactions replay in my mind like a cliché movie montage of two people growing closer. The laughing during class, even though nothing was hilarious, the text messages growing into deeper conversations that lead us into the night, the unawareness of our friend groups slowly joining because of us spending more time together. I was oblivious to the fact that I was catching feelings; I just thought I was making another good friend, just like Henley. 

I think about the moments with my ex, Jules, another montage bringing me back to our past relationship. The building blocks are identical to the montage with Nyla, except it lacks the way Nyla makes me feel in my heart. No girl has ever given me butterflies in my stomach the way Nyla has. When nothing’s going my way, she could look at me and it’d make my day. And if I’m lucky to catch her beautiful smile, her lips curling out to her cheeks, the small crinkles appearing below her eyes that she hates about herself but I find beautiful, it’d make me feel like everything will be okay. 

I try looking at Henley firmly, failing to cover up the goofy grin plastered on my face. 

“Oh my gosh, I know that look. You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

“N-no I’m not.” 

Henley looks unimpressed. 

“You said that too quickly. Come on, just admit that you’re in love with her!”

“Okay, fine. Maybe I am in love with her. I mean, everywhere I go, I just see her face and it, like, makes my heart glow or something. I know that sounds really stupid, but I swear she makes me feel a way I’ve never—”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, so you clearly didn’t feel this way for Jules. Now I know why you wanted to talk to me about this. You want me to tell you what you wanna hear, which is to leave it be. You can’t keep living life in fear of getting hurt; I think you should try to be happy! It seems like you found your match with Nyla. I mean, we all agree y’all are like the boy and girl version of each other sometimes.”

The thought of how our group of friends sees us makes me happy. I can’t help but smile after hearing what Henley said. 

“What you need to hear is to bet on yourself for once and tell her how you feel. You’re gonna regret not knowing what could have been, especially after we graduate.” 

I look down at my shoes. The same slip-on Vans I wore when I met Henley. I recall a time in her life when she was the one struggling. I remember being in the same position she’s in now; having to tell her what she needed to hear over what she wanted to hear. The truth hurts sometimes, but ultimately leads us to the right outcome. I know she knows that if I say nothing to Nyla, I’ll beat myself up for never having said anything. And if it doesn’t go well, better to have loved than not at all, right? 

The struggle to let go might be something I share with Henley, after all. 

“I’m scared Henley.” I admit, looking back up at her.

“I know you are. It’s not gonna be easy. Whatever happens though, you know the squad’s got your back.”

Henley’s face softens at the sight of my vulnerability. I feel the warmheartedness of her affirming words, comforting me.

“No matter what.” She assures me. 

I look off into the distance, thinking of Nyla.

Gosh, what does that girl do to me? Getting me in my feels.

“Anyway, I gotta scram and finish this song.” Getting up, Henley grabs her backpack and slings it over her shoulder. “I’m giving you until midnight tonight to tell her.”

“WHAT?”

“I know you well enough to know you won’t do it unless someone challenges you!”

“That’s not true. I-I-I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, yeah?” Henley’s voice dripping with disbelief. “What about when Mr. Carver said your paradiddles were off? If it wasn’t for him pointing that out, you wouldn’t have practiced paradiddles every day. ”

“Okay, that was one time—”

“Ever since that day, you started bringing drum practice pads with you everywhere we went. We could literally study at a café and you’d just whip it out with a pair of drumsticks and start practicing in public.”

“At least I do paradiddles properly.” I retorted.

“Wow, it’s like that, huh?” 

“I’m just saying.” 

“And I’m just saying, sometimes you need a little push to do something. You got this Jared. Just be honest and speak from your heart.” She says, offering me a quaint smile before leaving the library. 

And with that, she left, leaving me to figure out what to do.

* * * 

After Henley left, I stayed at the library for only 15 minutes. Spent that time figuring out if I should do this. Stared at my phone, looked lovingly at old conversations with Nyla. I even Googled, “how to tell your crush you’re in love with them without getting so hurt that it ruins senior year.” Obviously, I got nothing helpful. Honestly, if the librarian hadn’t approached me to let me know she’d be locking up soon, I probably would have just stayed there in that state. 

Instead of walking to the bus stop like I always do when leaving school, I went on a walk, needing to clear my mind and shake off any uneasiness. Blasting music through my ears, I went back and forth through all the potential scenarios that could take place. Henley’s words really stuck with me. She was absolutely right to call me out on trying to get her to say what I wanted to hear. 

Consumed by my thoughts, it hadn’t occurred to me that I had walked past Nyla’s house.

Stopping in my tracks, I looked back over my shoulder at her front door, imagining what would happen if I knocked on her door and told her how I felt. She’d come open the door after I knocked a third time, shocked to see me on a late Tuesday evening after school, when the weather’s colder, the winds carrying out songs of people going home; the sun setting giving cotton candy skies. I could picture her smiling through her confusion of why I’m there, her recognition of my awkwardness, connecting it to the fact that I wouldn’t have showed up unannounced if it wasn’t important…

Shaking my head, I pulled my backpack on tighter, my heart aching, and kept walking. I wished the sidewalk would just absorb my emotions, so I’d forget I ever felt this way about her. Reaching the end of the block to cross the street and circle back to the bus stop, a powerful gust of wind hit me, sending shivers down my spine, tugging me back to her place, as if urging me to reconsider my decision.

I looked up at the sky; the sun getting closer to the horizon. The contrast of the sky darkening, yet the sky is so full of colour. 

Damn it!

Unable to let this go, I turned back around and marched up to Nyla’s door. Taking a deep breath, mustering up the courage, I knocked loudly 3 times. Hearing footprints coming closer, I took a step back. 

The door swung open. 

And there she was, in all her beauty.

“Jared?” Nyla’s eyes widened.

I could feel my heart pounding through my chest. 

“Nyla, there’s s-something I have to tell you. I’m really nervous, so please bear with me.”

“Jared, what’s going on?” 

Here goes nothing.

“When I walked into English class and saw you at the start of the year, I had no idea you’d be the best thing that ever happened to me. We haven’t had a class together since grade 8; that was 5 years ago. We spent the last 4 barely talking to each other. All it took was 3 weeks, but I knew I just wanted to always be next to you. It felt like the universe put the 2 of us in the same class on purpose to give me 1 real chance to get to know you.”

Nyla drew a quick breath, her jaw dropping ever so slightly. She catches herself almost saying something, but stops to honour my request to speak first. 

“When you look at me, you get me feeling a way that no one else has ever made me feel. I’ve grown to appreciate every part of you, especially the parts of yourself that you hate, but I find wonderful.”

Nyla steps closer to me, shutting the door behind her. Our eyes meet and I admire her beautiful brown eyes with rings of gold that she once expressed her dislike for. I recall telling her while the world has gotten greedy for gold and wealth, gold also symbolizes generosity and compassion, two clear traits of her personality that anyone can attest to. I’ll never forget the smile that formed on her face that day; it was somewhere then that I fell hard for her.

“I tried to push these feelings down, but I-I couldn’t ignore them. Nyla, I-I—”

“Put it in a song.” 

“W-what?” 

“Put it in a song.” She repeats gently. 

I quickly comb through my playlist on my phone, scrambling to find a song that expresses how I feel. I found Love by Musiq Soulchild and hit play.

Love. So many things I’ve got to tell you… 

But I’m afraid I don’t know how,

Cause there’s a possibility,

You’ll look at me differently. Love….

Throughout the year, I’ve grown accustomed to Nyla. I learned about her interests, dislikes, and all those quirks that make her who she is. I was oblivious to the feelings I had developed for her, but perhaps I was also oblivious to the fact that she had also grown to learn about me. 

The last rays of sun cast a warm glow on her face, and all my uneasiness and tension went away. Safe in her presence, I had never felt so sure about anything else in life. Henley’s words echo… It seems like you found your match with Nyla. 

As the song carried out, staring deep into her eyes, she wrapped her arms around my neck, our faces so close I smell the hints of her floral fragrance. I wrap my arms around her waist.

“For better or worst—” 

“I still will choose you first.” 

Drawing me to her, Nyla kissed me with a passion I never felt. Channeling all my emotions, I kissed her back with my all, pulling her closer to me, never letting go.