Between Shadows and Light

-It is a lovely day today. You will go out for a walk, won’t ya?” - Maria said through the door slide when she opened it to peak in her teenage daughter’s room. - Open a window to get some fresh air. Jeez! 

On this cool, fading afternoon, Maria urged Ellie to take a brisk walk along a winding path—a route promised to be not more than a two-hour trip. They used to go there, all four of them with bikes and spending afternoons playing on the big playground made of solid wood and steel and a long slide made of huge tubes. It was approximately 4 meters long, going down a slope. Maria thought this route would be a pleasant way for Ellie to get her daily steps, approximately at least 6000. When she grew older, Ellie would stay home for days if she didn't have to go to school. It was more and more challenging to get her out of the house. Comforting as it may be expected, her little room was where she spent most of her time without having friends to go out with after school. Being 13 was when life could bring you to this weird, dark place called teenagehood. 

“Grab your keys and phone and get your body a bit moving. You have been home all day. For two days, you haven't been out…Please...” asked Maria, trying to sound more caring than judging. Deep inside, she knew what it was to be unwilling to go outside. At least the task didn't involve talking to anyone or engaging in boring activities and conversations where you have to pretend you care or bother about anything that has nothing to do with you….

With a tentative smile and a quiet nod, Ellie slipped out the door, leaving Maria to bear a fragile hope of this independence.  Just before stepping out, they spoke at the door in a familiar, if tense, rhythm.

“Ellie, please follow the path we discussed. Text me when you’re there or on your way back.” 

Ellie rolled her eyes and scoffed “I know, Mom. I get it—you worry, and you always want me safe. I’m not a baby, c’mooon! Give me a break!”

“I’m sorry. I just want you to stick to simple agreements.”, Maria said.

Ellie shifted her weight, a quiet sigh escaping as she gathered her things.”This has to stop right now. No more talking!”  “Fine! I’ll text you. But can we please stop doing this every single time?” 

“Yes, Ellie. I get it…”

Ellie paused at the doorway, glancing back at Maria with a look that mingled frustration with understanding. Maria heard another sigh from Ellie as if she was preparing to meet the outer world for a battle. 

The girl stepped outside, leaving the warm air in the house behind and entering the cooling embrace of the early evening. She could see the orange sky and the plump clouds spread across the blue vastness.

Later, as Ellie walked along the winding path, she took a moment to observe the slow dance of the beech trees following the walking lane. Soon after, Ellie could see how the scenery changed from green to grey as she walked on the long biking lane and headed to the final destination. There was no one in the lane. She could hear her sneakers tapping on the cement. The solitude of this moment comforted her somehow. 

Ellie's mind wandered through moments of random thoughts about school, things at home, and memories of feeling misunderstood at school. Sharing your mom with another guy who also made her a baby sister was tough. Her sis was not a baby anymore, of course. There was only 10 years difference. Enough to get annoyed when the little one wanted more attention than ever; she had always to be the grown-up. “Life was way much different before sis came….”

After her 30-minute walk, the shadows gradually lengthened, and the day gave way to a soft twilight. Ellie always found something pleasant in lingering in the dusk. It was comforting and inviting for more profound thoughts. She kept on walking, taking the path around the ponds. There were many ponds around the route. The neighbourhood was rich in vegetation, wild animals, and places where one could feel very close to nature.

Ellie looked at the calm body of water and the long grass and bulrush. The pond reflected the overcast sky, giving it a muted, silvery-grey hue. Gentle ripples disturbed the surface slightly, and some unknown birds could be heard a few times. Wild grasses and reeds were bending slightly, and Ellie closed her eyes—it felt nice. Facing the sky, she slowly opened her eyes and saw it—a soft, uniform grey vastness. Ellie felt peace of mind and smiled. Feet were on autopilot; there was no time or perplexity - just fresh evening air and her presence. 

At that moment, she could see a young woman with a tiny dog taking a stroll in the same lane. It felt bizarre, though it was just an ordinary walking lane for everyone to enjoy.

***

Maria knew that Ellie hated going out. The thought of entering a world with unfamiliar faces and unpredictable sounds filled the young girl with dread. Despite that, Maria’s worry over Ellie's sedentary life had pushed her to insist on daily walks—a simple, measured escape into the fresh air, where no one expected more than her listening to the murmur of rustling leaves and the soft sigh of the breeze while walking.

Maria’s phone lay silent despite Maria’s text: “How is the walk? You feelin’ better?”‘ The route took about 45-50 min in one direction. Ellie didn’t want to talk. And yet, Maria’s anxiety grew more significant all of a sudden. One specific moment a few years ago pounded in her head.

Maria had always fretted over the rare moments her daughter, Ellie, ventured beyond the familiar confines of home. She would never forget when Ellie was 8 years old and went missing for maybe 2 hours - she went out alone when Maria and her partner David went shopping, and when they came back, they saw she was out. She left no note or a sign somewhere to confine them where she was going. Ellie didn't have a phone, so good communication was necessary for all parties. The neighbourhood they were living in was relatively safe, with fields of green; the harbour was 2 km away with a lovely sandy beach, promising a pleasant summertime. There were plenty of opportunities to spend time with kids or older kids who could play unsupervised with their friends, staying away from any motorways or potentially dangerous environments.  Maria went hysterical after going around all the nearby playgrounds, screaming Ellie’s name a few times. After not seeing her anywhere, her mind started to soak in all the crazy possibilities of her daughter going missing. All her life, she imagined to have gone down the spiral like she was falling down a deep, black, neverending hole. Maria came home crying and could barely speak. David heard she couldn't find the kid anywhere, witnessing the first hyperventilating Maria would have in her life. David just sat her on a chair and asked her to breathe slowly. “I'm getting the bike and will go around. Don’t worry, everything will be alright” he was as calm as always, doing his best to comfort her by just displaying a zen mindset during her extremely distressed being.

So in the end, soon after David left with the bike, Maria opened the door after hearing the doorbell. It was Ellie. As calm and undisturbed as a child playing in the sand pit. Her hands were cold, and it was autumn outside.”Where were you? I went crazy looking for you, Ellie!” Maria’s voice was a mix of despair, relief, annoyance and disappointment. “What did I tell you when you go out alone to leave at least a note about where you are going when you will come back….” “Oh!” said Ellie. Her look expressed an innocent reaction of surprise. Ellie had a watch but never used it correctly or intentionally. She often got distracted and amazed by things she noticed on her way to and back from school. Her short walks turned into a pleasant timeless journey of exploration of ladybugs, weird-looking objects, little bugs crawling on the mossy trees, dancing shadows of leaves and branches….”Where were you?? I screamed your name. I got so scared something happened. I hate when we agree on something, and you don't follow our agreements!”

“I was at the staircase in the hallway of our building, sitting with Joanna. We were playing on the staircase in her building. I decided to go out after you left, but I forgot my keys. Didn't know the time…Decided to stay there because it was warm.” 

Maria did not know what to say. She was still recovering from her nightmares. She felt ashamed, embarrassed, and silly because she had realised her fears, and at the same time, she felt relieved her child was safe. Everything turned out to be so simple, ridiculous and different from all these crazy thoughts that sucked her energy that day…

***

David and little Emily were playing Ludo together. It was nice looking at them, laughing, and telling jokes. Maria was too distracted by her thoughts. Sitting on the chair and trying to think straight, she felt uncomfortable about what was on her mind. David always said she worried too much, but he didn't seem to fully grasp the idea of her daughter suffering from social anxiety and all its cons.

Maria was silently biting her lips, slowly zoning out in the room. She kept  replaying that moment in her  mind—the moment she told Ellie, “Go take your walk today, love.” How could I have been so careless? I made her step outside her safe bubble, forcing her to confront an overwhelming world. “ Guilt seemed to suffocate her suddenly.

Maria recalled Ellie’s hesitant eyes, filled with quiet terror, and wondered if she had pushed her too far. She told her it was just for her daily steps, as if a walk could solve everything…. Maria was so wrapped up in the idea of normalcy in her health stats that she forgot to see the anxiety in the kiddo’s eyes. “I was trying to help, but what if I just deepened her pain?”

Maria’s chest tightened up as she thought about it.  A cold sweat broke out on her skin. Her heart palpitations went fast — thump, thump, thump—and her hands began to tremble uncontrollably. The alarm was creeping in like a slow tide. She clenched her fists, trying to hold on to the calm she no longer felt.

Maria started blaming herself for every anxious second Ellie must have suffered. She pictured her small figure walking alone, swallowed by a world that was too big and loud. Her throat tightened as if a fist was pressing against it. “Why did I push her?” But the answer was a maddening mix of concern and misunderstanding. Maria was still frozen on her chair in the living room, her pulse pounding in her ears.  

“I’m going for Ellie”. Maria could hear her voice as if it was coming from a deep hole.  Unable to wait longer, Maria grabbed her keys and jumped on her bike, pedalling hard along the agreed-upon route. 

The lane stretched long and lonely, bordered on one side by train rails that hummed in the distance and on the other by sprawling farms, a miniature horse riding school, and clusters of shimmering ponds and mini lakes. As dusk fell, the world around her grew muted and shadowed, and each step along the path amplified the echoes of her fears.

Maria pedalled harder, her voice echoing down the empty track as she repeatedly called, “Ellie!” The words vanished into the cool air, swallowed by the sprawling darkness. Her body began to betray her: limbs grew stiff and cold, and her breathing became erratic.

At first, a quiet sadness settled in her chest—an aching heaviness borne of memories and guilt, a sense of failure that had plagued her. Then came the rapid, shallow breaths, like a drumbeat of impending doom. Each inhalation felt laboured, and every exhale was a desperate rush to rid herself of the panic building inside. 

Her thoughts spiralled into endless what-ifs while she pedalled faster and faster with a blurry vision. “Ellieeeeee!” Maria cried desperately. The echo of the roadside and the distant clatter of passing trains made her feel smaller and smaller.

Once strong and purposeful, her legs began to buckle under the weight of her worry, and her body felt encased in an ice shell. 

Her bike carried her along the long, deserted lane that wound around the quiet ponds, but every familiar landmark now seemed menacing. With each turn and loop, Mara’s calls for Ellie were met with nothing but the soft murmur of wind through the trees and the distant clatter of a train.

Desperation drove her to call David, knowing he was waiting at home with little Emily. Maria’s body felt stiff, her limbs cold, and every breath came as a laborious, trembling effort.

Maria got off the bike and started pushing. She dialled David, and she started crying. “Ellie is missing. She is nowhere…I cannot reach her on the phone!”

David tried to calm her down, but she quickly cut the line. Then, she continued calling Ellie. There was no answer. Her vision blurred momentarily and cleared, revealing the harsh truth: ”I have failed her in the very thing I vowed to protect. I wish I could turn back time and soothe her fears instead of adding to them.”

Maria knew the only way to prevent herself from fainting was to sit somewhere and start breathing slowly. She stopped, pulled the bike over to the side and sat on a bench. Her body felt heavy and weak. With trembling hands, she clutched her phone. She wanted to try to call one more time. The thought of any lack of communication or the fact Ellie was nowhere to be seen right now - Maria was not sure what made her so desperate and frightened. A little voice in her head told her this was happening because she had always dreaded she may lose her kids, her world, her everything. She closed her eyes and imagined this thought was written on paper, crunched it and threw it in the bin. Somewhere in the back of her mind, memories of similar behaviour towards her mom gave her some hope that this day would be another day when Maria, the mom, is just freaking too much over her young teenage daughter. “The phone number you are dialling is not reachable at this point. Please leave a message after the tone.”, she heard for the tenth time.

Her body trembled uncontrollably, flushed by a cascade of relentless anxiety, overwhelming sadness, and a physical reaction that left her feeling as though she were drowning. ”I can't believe this is happening….What is happening? It is just a nightmare….”

The trees around the mother, silhouetted against the bruised sky, seemed to lean in to confirm her isolation. Her sobs were the only response to the vast, empty silence that enveloped her. 

Then, unexpectedly, there was a call—a sharp, sudden sound that shattered the heavy silence. With trembling fingers and blurry eyes, Mara took her phone out of her pocket.