Stupid Feelings, Perfect Love

How could I be so stupid? Of course you would choose her. She’s pretty, popular, the perfect Barbie Doll. Of course you would want a girl who would listen to your every command, who would hang on to your every word. Of course you want her. She’s a peppy little cheerleader, full of school spirit and there to cheer you on at all of your games.

How could I be so stupid? You could never want me. You hardly even know I exist. I’m just the girl in the back of your math class. The one who quietly raises her hand to answer all the questions. The girl who can’t control her frizzy hair and hides behind her large glasses. You could never want me. 

How could I be so stupid? Stupid enough let myself fall for you? The kind football player, the one who helped me up when you bumped into me last month. The one who’s smile could light up a room. The one who’s deep voice sends shivers down my spine. You have the kindest brown eyes I’ve ever seen, but of course you could never stare at me with them. You have her. 

How could I be so stupid? I could never have you. You’re too perfect. The impeccable combination of smart, cute, strong, and funny. I’m too close to the bottom of the barrel. The too smart, not pretty enough, quiet girl no one ever notices. And yet I let myself think that when you smile up into the crowd at your football games, you’re smiling at me.

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How could I be so stupid? Just because you called out my name and waved to me yesterday doesn’t mean you like me or want to be my friend. You were just being friendly. That’s just who you are. It doesn’t mean anything. And I won’t let it. 

How could I be so stupid? I let it mean something to me. Now I watch for you in the halls, waiting for you to notice me. And you do. Everyday, you smile at me. You wave and say my name, and my heart does this annoying little stutter. The other day you saw someone teasing me about my hair. It really doesn’t mean anything to me, I’ve dealt with teasing and bullying all my life. But you told them to knock it off and be nice. You stood up for me. 

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How could I be so stupid? There’s no way you broke up with her because of me. You two must have had a fight. I had nothing to do with it. Right? Soon you’ll find some other girl, one very similar to her, and you’ll be happy again. You won’t give me those smiles in the hall anymore, because you’ll be too obsessed with your new girlfriend. You’ll probably forget all about me within the next month. 

How could I be so stupid? I still can’t believe I asked you if you were okay. Although I’ll treasure that sad little smile you gave me forever, it wasn’t my place. You hardly even know me. You have all your friends and football buddies who will make sure you’re fine. You don’t need me. And yet you told me things were getting better, that it didn’t hurt as much. I’m glad. It hurts me to see you sad. 

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How could I be so stupid? How could you be so stupid? You couldn’t have really meant it when you asked me if I would go out with you, and yet, I said yes. You looked genuinely happy, and that made me happy. But… Maybe I should back out. You wouldn’t like me anymore if you really got to know me. If you saw who I really was. The shy girl who never talks to anyone, who has no friends. The frizzy, red haired girl who’s too smart for her own good and spends all her time reading books. 

How could I be so stupid. And yet, here I am, trying to tame my wild hair. Putting on makeup and attempting to hide some of my freckles. Here I am, heart beating wildly at the prospect of spending the night with you. Of going out to dinner and watching a movie with you. Here I am, walking to the door. The door you stand behind, waiting for me to come out. I smooth my emerald green dress one last time before opening the door. You flash your jaw-dropping smile, then take my hand and lead me outside. 

How could I be so stupid? I wore my high heels, but instead of looking graceful and tall in them, I trip inside the restaurant. Yet instead of laughing, you quickly help me up and ask if I’m okay. I gaze into your warm brown eyes, forgetting the question. Thankfully, you think I am just dazed from my fall and ask again, sounding almost worried. That’s just how sweet you are. 

How could I be so stupid? How could I have ever believed that you wouldn’t like me? You make me feel so special, your questions so genuine, and I love every moment of our date. You ask me about my family, about school, and everything in between. I ask you about football and your friends. We laugh in between bites of food, and I feel as though everything is right in the world. And then, out of the blue, you stop laughing and talking to me. You get quiet, and I become worried. 

How could I be so stupid? Did I say the wrong thing, make the wrong joke? I shouldn’t have let myself feel so comfortable around you. But I know that even if I tried, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself. You make me feel something I’ve never felt before, and I don’t regret anything I did. Even if this is our first and last time together, I won’t ever wish I did anything different.

“How could I be so stupid?” you ask after the long stretch of silence. I look up at you questioningly, not sure what you mean. I’m worried that you regret asking me to go out with you, but before I can say anything, you continue. “How could I not see what was right in front of me? You were the one I was looking for, and I finally found you. I finally found the right girl.” I look at you, confused. You surely couldn’t be talking to me, right? And yet you grab my hands, pulling me closer to you. “I’m so glad I found you. You make me feel something I’ve never felt before, something that I can’t get enough of. Ever since our first day in math together, I knew there was something special about you. I just wasn’t smart enough to act upon that knowledge. Will you forgive me?”

How could I be so stupid? Of course you were talking to me. You felt the spark too. The fire of attraction growing between us “Of course!” I hear myself telling you. “Of course I forgive you! You are the kindest, most sweet boy I have ever met. I could never be angry with you!”

“Oh thank goodness,” you say. After a short pause, you ask, “I know this is only our first date, but would it be terribly improper if I kissed you right now?” You pull me close, until your mouth is only an inch from mine. Afraid to speak, I give a tiny little nod, then lose myself in your kiss.