The Train Ride

        Ok this story contains adult references and is meant to be viewed with such knowledge. If you choose to proceed be expecting to be entertained, laughing, curious and if I had more room and ability to go further some other adult emotions;)

Your guide to an enjoyable read: Donald Haddix

                   The plot

   So this is a story of the hot potato… ok… hot dead corpse? So this little jewel starts with a group of people on a train. In cabin 13 a body is discovered and the conductor asks the group to remain in their quarters. As you can imagine set in north west ole USA The oversized BELT BUCKLE wearing folks want no part of being a caged pigeon. So no one listens. We are going to join …Sally a local real estate tycoon,Robert your Typical sweaty fat guy, Jonathan a financial guru, Tiffany a rich fur coat wearing bitch, Paul your typical ex-military type and the conductor Jimmy. So let’s start this out in the beginning……

                Sally

   Sally where do I start. 5’10” of the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Blonde wavy hair that was set right off a Vidal Sassoon commercial. When this woman walked she didn’t need fans her hair naturally moved. She is so amazing that the color red blushes. Well she also loves to be very open everywhere,if you know what I mean. So she as a teenager was the prom queen, the captain of cheerleading squad, and every boy virginity breaker. She loved sex more than life itself…..I mean the good stuff where a man takes his time. So she loves working out rock hard body very athletic. So let’s move on…..

                  Robert

Robert….uh oh is all you can say about this guy.  If the do over button exists he needs it. I mean this Guy  is one of the worst species of man gods cloth had. This part of the cloth is that nasty smelly part like the one that gets left in your kitchen sink for a week. You pick it up smell and…guckkk… gagging ,vomiting in your mouth. Well I don’t know what to do here but try to describe without gagging you ladies out there. Oh wait you know the guy I’m talking about. Your ex husband’s? Ok let’s see picture a hairy sweaty pear with two sticks in it. With a marble head with no neck? Get the picture? Oh I hear you ladies out there ummmhmmm nodding. Ok let’s move his career sucks so bad that it’s not worth noting…….

                Jonathan

   Jonathan haha a pencilneck piece of shit fer sure haha. A real numbers guy. He’s that dude that has his Tinder account on popular members status. His theory is swipe them all it’s a numbers game to this dirtbag. He brags his way into a ladies pants. Money does buy anything folks he is proof of it. Not much of a male specimen other than his Armani suit and a Maserati in the garage of his million dollar flat. Weighing in at 140 pounds and 6’. So pencilneck might be an upgrade for him. He is the fucking pencil. Including his power pole? Yes I said it. If that scares you get out now cause Sally put a cuddling session on all of these guys. Didn’t see that coming?????…. Moving on….

               Tiffany

    We all know a Tiffany? 65 and trolling Facebook, the country club, Walmart stock boys, anywhere her husbands money buys that young power poles. She’s still sporting the 80s perm! Oh shit I guarantee a full bush too? Haha oh yea gotta work for it boys! Get to bush-hogging! She was 4’6” if her back was straight you do the math? When she’s on it maybe 5’2”. Haha that’s officially a GILF. Perky tits compliments of a CEO husband that never has even test drove them? Why he is Jonathan’s twin with a porn-hub addiction to boot! Sagging ass at 65 no amount of spandex and yoga can hide that thing? Oh shit just gagged again???  Moving on…

                Paul

   Oh shit get down….did you hear that???? Oh yea it’s Paul’s PTSd. He never even served combat duty? Tell me how you have PTSd with no live fire. Oh yea you’re secretly hiding Stevie in the closet. This guys totally gay. He hides it behind the persona of Tough Guy hence the fake PTSd gig. He’s good looking though 6’4” wavy dirty blonde hair. A taller Luke from dukes of hazard? Well this guy’s Alabama all the way. Harley riding, beer bear, typical honkey-tonk, belt buckle wearing tinkerbell? Moving on…

                 Jimmy

    Not much here. This guy is straight. Good husband, good father, goes to church and tithing is his thing. A real boy-scout. So he’s our rock in this show. 

                 The Body

    Oh my, this is a mess for sure. It’s female we know that from purse and dress. White skin. Problem is from neck up gone,this is a bloody mess? So Jimmy discovers it in cabin 13? Yes Cabin 13. So one of these patrons is responsible for this gruesome crime of Murder? Question due to the nature of it anyone of these freaks could have done this? 

              The plot thickens 

   Ok Jimmy starts this messed up situation?  Jimmy says over the mic. “ passengers there has been a situation and I’m your conductor Jimmy. I ask you stay in your cabins we have 2 hours to Portland where police are to investigate. Let’s stay calm and in your quarters till police are involved thank you? Doors have been locked to the intensity of this manner. “. Ok he might as pulled the fire alarm in a populated high school? Immediately everyone went to dinner cart which is attached cabin cart. It was legally still unlocked also cause that’s the restrooms. So the gangs all here. Sally obviously is upset. “What the Heck is going on?”  She is met with equal concerns. Fat boy hits the Cheeto jar. Jonathan is frantically dialing cell as if someone cares? Captain of the YMCA brokeback mountain club is running up and down the aisle doing pushups.  Tiffany is too busy hitting up the top shelf vodka for a martini. “Oh Darling be a peach. Grab me an Olive my dear”. In comes our narrator. Jimmy sits everyone at the bar. Everyone is very offset of the other? Each giving an inspector gadget look at each other. Jimmy says “we need to remain calm”. As powderfuff runs up “did you hear that? They are on top of the train.”  Ok Paul’s a bit over the top. I mean this guy believes his own stories. He moseys off to frantically look out the windows. Sally gazes at Paul’s rear end in those Levi’s. Fat boy looks like a pair that mated with a carrot. He has orange everywhere on him. Ukkkk oh yea just puked in my mouth again. Pauly Shores made it to cabin 13 he’s yelling so the gang of murders makes their way to see what’s bugging Paul. 

             Body Inspection 

Jimmy says “let’s head to our quarters “. Sally says “ screw you”. Jonathan starts snapping shots of the body? Jimmy grabs his phone “ what the heck are you doing”. Jonathan says “give it to me!” Jimmy rotates around. “Everyone give me phones… now!” Uh oh Jimmy just went conductor police on everyone. So they all throw them at his feet. Jonathan gives Jimmy the bird and spits turns walks off back towards cabin. Sally gives Jimmy a wink. She loves a man of power and especially in uniform! Oh my I do declare! She turns and walks down the hallway….kids turn your heads?! That is inappropriate missy. Now Fat boy pear/cheeto/no neck marble head. Oh my as he’s licking his fingers….gakkk… just puked in my mouth again. Can we just kill this character off NOW please. If I do then this story will end here…. As knife goes to Roberts throat… just kidding. Ok fat boy goes back to bar walks past Jimmy with bologna, rest of Cheetos, 2 sodas, and a pack of twizzlers. One hanging out his mouth slaps Jimmy on the butt and winks walks on to his cabin. Ok I bet Cheeto boy has spent one two many nights on porn hub. Now who’s left… oh yea captain of the YMCA book club? He’s all manic. Jimmy motions him he walk over a little hippy movements oh yea he’s a fan of sweatin with the oldies?  He hands his phone marble mouthing something about Baghdad??  Quit it Paul nobody is buying it. As we approach the station I just want to say this was fun. I do believe enough is here to end this with a Scooby doo ending. Jimmy goes to wake the crew to greet Portlands finest. I know you wanted some elaborate ending I wish I had room to do it. Alright let’s wrap this up my peeps!

             The Unveiling 

     Guess who killed her ? The clues are here… Was it the real estate Hot soccer mom, Sally? Or the disgusting fat porn addicted slob? Maybe the financial manic Jonathan? Tiffany does my Botox make my face shifty darling? Or the gay muscle bound military wannabe? Wait answer….. drum roll…….. it is? Oh wait forgot Jimmy yes Jimmy. He was there too! I mean come on it’s always the Bible guy. There the darkest usually tormented from daddy’s daily beating Christ into them. So let’s unveil. Yes for those of you who guessed……

COMMERCIAL BREAK. BEE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE IMPORTANT MESSAGES.