Autumn conversion

Charlotte picked up her three year old daughter, Sally, stroking her silky fair hair, saying to her, “I will only be away for two nights and you will have the best fun with Grandma and Grandpa. I think they are going to take you to the zoo”. The child snuggled into Charlotte with tears coming from her large brown eyes, “But I want to come with you Mummy”. “I know you do darling, but this is a weekend for grown ups. You would be very bored and you definitely wouldn't like the food. Grandma's cooking is much better”, she said looking over at her mother in law. Hilda was a wonderful mother in law, nothing like the stereo type. She was warm, friendly with a head full of curly grey hair. In fact she looked just like the quintessential grandma. Sally always loved being with her grandparents but this was going to be the first time that she had been left with them for more than a night.

Hilda came over to her darling granddaughter, gently easing her away from Charlotte, saying to her, “ Sally lets go and see what Grandpa is doing, he's outside with the chucks. He's waiting for you to help him collect the eggs”. With her usual knack of knowing exactly what would appeal to Sally, she had won her away from Charlotte, taking the little girl by the hand, leading her out of the back door, mouthing “Go and have fun” to Charlotte.

Always grateful to these kind parents in law Charlotte picked up her case, going out of the front door to where her friend Anne was waiting. Thankfully she eased herself into the passenger seat, saying,”Thank God for Hilda, she was able to distract Sally with the promise of egg collecting”. They both laughed as Anne backed out of the driveway to start the 30 minute drive into the beautiful Adelaide Hills.

Charlotte and Anne had become close friends in the last few years. They had met each other at a local church where Anne's husband of only a year was the Parish Priest. Both Anne and her husband James had been a tower of strength to Charlotte when her husband Ray was killed in a terrible car accident on the way back to their home in the Barossa Valley, one of the premier wine growing districts in South Australia. This had happened a year ago. Sally was only two so Charlotte had found herself on her own with a two year old daughter, a mortgage to pay off and no job and her own family in the UK. Luckily for Charlotte her parents paid off the mortgage for her. Charlotte's father was a very well to do business man , only too happy to help his daughter out in these tragic circumstances. So Charlotte went out job searching and had found , if not the perfect job, at least a job which was part time, but paid reasonably well, in a doctor's surgery. It meant that Sally only had to go into childcare two days a week. They were managing but it was a struggle and when Anne had suggested that they go away to this silent retreat together.

Anne's husband James had organised the retreat though he wasn't running it. He had managed to get a very well known Priest, a Father Mark Garratt, to come and take it. Father Mark was well known throughout Australia for his spiritual and meditative silent retreats. Anne had been on one before and she had convinced Charlotte to come to this one. At first Charlotte had been very reluctant. “A silent retreat” she had said. “I am not sure I could cope with that, besides I have got Sally”. However both James and Anne had overcome any obstacle that Charlotte had come up with, even by approaching Ray's parents to look after Sally. They knew that Charlotte had been struggling with her faith, since Ray's death. Both hoped that this period of meditation might help her to start to find a way through her grief, also giving her a break from caring for Sally as a single parent.

On arriving at the Retreat House which was in the picturesque town of Aldgate in the Adelaide Hills they were shown to their single rooms by Sister Maria. This sweet old nun was known to Anne, and welcomed her warmly, making Charlotte feel very welcome too. They were told that dinner was at six pm at which there would be an opportunity to meet the other participants. Talking was allowed, which made Charlotte feel somewhat more comfortable! After dinner, the silence would begin. They were to go to the chapel for the first of the talks by Father Michael. Their programme for the weekend would be at their dinner placing. All mobile phones were to be handed in to Sister Maria after dinner. When Charlotte had first heard about this, this was another excuse she had used for not being able to go. “What if something happens to Sally?” James had countered this argument by saying that he would be on call to Ray's parents for the whole weekend. “If anything happens I will come and get you immediately”' he said. Somewhat mollified Charlotte had agreed to go.

The dinner was in a big old dining room with high ceilings and pictures from the Old Testament all around the walls. There was a good fire in the huge fireplace with a good supply of logs on the hearth. Even though it was October, autumn could be chilly in the hills. The dining table was laid for twelve, with a big vase of colourful hydrangeas in the middle of the table. Anne and Charlotte seated themselves at one end of the table where they were soon joined by the other ten. As drinks were being served, water or orange juice, Charlotte took stock of the other participants. There were only two men who seemed to be friends, middle aged, rather boring looking in countenance and not interested in talking to anyone else. The other 8 women were a very eclectic group . Two very smartly dressed women who looked as if they would have been better suited to an upmarket health resort. Three others probably in their thirties who were very earnest, possibly school friends, Charlotte decided. Two rather eccentric looking women dressed in what could be termed “Hippie clothing, sporting long grey hair. The last woman intrigued Charlotte. She didn't appear to have come with anyone, was nicely dressed in black pants and a very pretty pink jumper which suited her dark colouring. She was very attractive but to Charlotte , she looked sad. “Its funny”, she thought to herself, “When I was pregnant everyone I saw seemed to be pregnant. Now since Ray's death I seem to be able to notice the grief in other people”. She didn't seem to be reacting to any of the conversations around her and as soon as the meal was finished she up and left. Whereas the rest of them wandered around introducing themselves to other people before they were summoned to the chapel.

Fr Michael Garratt was a tall imposing man with a great shock of white hair. However when he opened his mouth, it was mesmerising. He had the most wonderful warm voice which you could just listen to ad infinitum. Anne and I had heard him at one of James's Rock Masses, which is what had spurred them on to enrol in this retreat. He introduced himself, then explained the purpose of a silent retreat, which was, he said, to allow them to get acquainted or reacquainted with God and also to examine themselves. Something, he said, which we don't get a lot of time to do in this busy hectic world. They were given an itinerary of the retreat, detailing the talks themselves, the free time they would have, even a map of the walks around this wonderful property.

Silence began as soon as they had had the night prayers after the talk . Everyone seemed to disperse in a moment and Charlotte went up to her room to unpack . The room itself was nothing luxurious but the bed was comfortable and each room had an ensuite. She decided she would have a shower , do some reading and have an early night. However no sooner had she got into bed, than she fell asleep. She was awakened in the night by the sound of sobbing. First of all she thought she was hearing things, but she got up, putting on her dressing gown, gingerly opening her bedroom dooor. Yes it was definitely sobbing, seeming to come from the room on her left. She knew Anne was on her right but she had no idea who was on her left. Within a couple of minutes, the sobbing had ceased. Charlotte waited a few minutes, but all was quiet, so although she felt somewhat perturbed, she returned to her bed, promptly falling asleep.

When she awoke the next morning, Charlotte wondered where she was, expecting to hear Sally come creeping into her room asking her if she was awake yet. Then she came to properly, realising where she was. Also the memory of the sobbing came back to her. “I must find out who is in that room to the left of me”, she thought. Checking the time on the alarm clock , she found she would have to hurry to make breakfast.. As she left her room , the door to the left also opened. Out came the woman who had seemed sad to Charlotte last night at the dinner. Somehow she wasn't surprised that it was her. Her head was down, so it was impossible to make eye contact with her.

The morning passed uneventfully with both breakfast and lunch eaten in silence. It was quite difficult Charlotte found not to come out with, “Can you please pass the butter or the salt”. It certainly made you very aware of your neighbour, trying to guess what they needed. Anne was sitting next to her, which made it even harder not to talk. She was trying to second guess what Anne would want on her toast, only to keep passing her the wrong thing. Both of them were trying so hard not to giggle when Charlotte passed her the third wrong condiment in a row. In fact Charlotte had to get up and help herself to more coffee to try and control the giggles. On the way back to the table she glanced down the row of people to see the “sad woman”, as she had come to call her at the end of the table, just pushing her cereal around her bowl without really eating it. Meals passed very quickly without chatter though there was pleasant classical music playing in the background.

After lunch there was free time until five pm when there was a service in the chapel, then dinner followed by a talk. “Time to explore”, Charlotte thought. Taking the map of the grounds with her, she set off. It was the beginning of autumn so the weather had lost the sting of the summer heat, but was still warm. Wearing a light jacket, carrying her bottle of water, she decided she would take the track up the hill to where there seemed to be a wooded track. The leaves were starting to turn, and as always in the Adelaide hills the autumnal colours were spectacular, orange, russet, red, brown and yellow. “If only I could paint”, she thought.

The wooded track was really very pretty, with lots of butterflies milling around. The track suddenly veered round to the left to reveal a little arbour of trees with a wooden seat in the middle of it. Charlotte stopped abruptly for there sitting on the seat and crying her heart out was the sad woman. She had her face in her hands, almost doubled over, as if she was in pain. “Crikey, what to do”, Charlotte thought, “she hasn't seen me, so do I turn around and creep away”. This seemed to go against the grain. This woman needs help and comfort, she thought. So she went up to her, gently putting an arm around her. The woman's head jerked up , her eyes wide with suprise, and also fear, Charlotte thought. Without saying anything, she kept her arm around her, letting her sob more quietly now. Eventually she stopped crying, got out a handkerchief, wiping her eyes, leaning back against the bench. They both sat there for several minutes, Charlotte removing her arm and just holding her hand.

They both looked at each other not quite knowing what to do, as silence was supposed to be quite rigorously upheld. “However”, Charlotte thought to herself , “ I think this is a situation where the silence has to be broken”. She said very quietly, “What is your name? I am Charlotte”. “Helen” came back the whispered reply. “Well Helen, I am not going to pry into your sadness. But I do understand something about grief, as my husband was killed in a car crash last year, leaving me with a 2 year old daughter. “ At the mention of the word daughter, Helen started to sob again. Charlotte put her arm around her again. Eventually Helen spoke between sobs, “My daughter Mandy has just been diagnosed with Leukemia and it is terminal. She is only four. I dont know...” Then uncontrollable sobbing took over any more speech. Charlotte while having great empathy for Helen, felt unequal to the task of trying to comfort her. She squeezed her sympathetically, telling her , “I am going to get Sister Maria. We will be right back”. Helen nodded, putting her head in her hands, rocking backwards and forwards.

Charlotte almost ran back to the retreat house, found Sister Maria's office, praying that she was there. Her prayers were answered and her knock was answered with a loud, but kind, “Come in”.

She raised her eyebrows at Charlotte but gestured for her to sit down. She got the impression that Sister Maria knew her story because her eyes were full of compassion. “I bet James alerted her to it”, she thought.

“May I speak”, she asked, receiving a nod from the Sister. She then explained what had happened. Without any hesitation Sister Maria got up and motioning Charlotte to take her to Helen they went off without any further words being spoken.

Helen was still sitting on the bench, not sobbing now, but with her head in her hands and still rocking to and fro. Charlotte watched in awe as Sister sat down next to her, gently taking Helen's hands from her face and putting them into her own hands, saying “My child, tell me about it”.

As Helen looked into Sister Maria's beautiful serene face, she took a deep breath and started to talk.

Charlotte crept quietly away, feeling somewhat in need of a stiff drink but deciding that coffee would be the next best thing, no alcohol being available. She went to the cafeteria, made herself a coffee and sat down on the window seat overlooking the pictoresque Picadilly Valley with fields of vines stretching below, sporting their autumn colours. Cradling her cup of coffee, she found that taking on someone else's grief had in a way helped to alleviate some of her own sorrow. Obviously it didn't make it disappear but here was someone she could in some way identify with and who perhaps in time could identify with her.

The rest of the retreat passed without incident. Sunday lunch was a festive occasion , the silence rule now over and there was much chatter while enjoying a delicious roast lamb followed by apple crumble. After some final words from Fr Michael everyone went up to pack up their rooms. Charlotte was just doing up her case when there was a knock on her door. Thinking it to be Anne, she called out, “Just coming, come in”. The door opened rather tentatively which made her turn around to find Helen standing there. “I just wanted to thank you...” she stopped. Charlotte came over to her immediately , hugging her saying, “If I can be of any help even if it is just to meet up for a coffee sometime I would really like to do that”. Helen was silent for a little while, but then she said, “Yes I think I would like that. Sister Maria told me a little of your story, just what you had told me”, she quickly added, “ and I feel I need to have a friend who understands a little of what I am going through.” They exchanged phone numbers, with plans to meet up the following week for coffee.

As she piled herself into Anne's car ready to go back down the hill she turned to her friend, saying, “That was the best weekend I have had in a long time. Thank you for encouraging me to go”. Anne turned , looked at her quizzically, saying,” Wow, something must have happened”. Charlotte told her.

As they drew into her parents in law's driveway a very excited little girl came running out to meet her saying “Mummy Mummy, I missed you and I have collected nine eggs.” Charlotte took her daughter in her arms, holding her so tightly that Sally begin to wriggle. All Charlotte could think about as she pressed her daughter's small body against hers was that she was so lucky to have a healthy child.