In the Morning There is Light

His heart was broken walking out on the kids like that. He tossed the olive green duffel bag in the trunk but did not yet close it. Standing there with his hands resting on the trunk edge, head hanging low, his eyes were closed. He was aware that when he shut the trunk he would see his children staring at him through the front room window with the same tear-streaked faces he saw just a few moments ago as he closed the front door. He couldn’t face it again. He knew he’d either break like shattered glass or run in for one more hug, to say he was sorry one more time. But going back inside was not an option.

He stood there berating himself. What had he done? What had he expected? 2 and 2 always made 4, but he felt like he was adding the wrong numbers. It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. One night at the local watering hole had turned into most nights. He wasn’t a drunk. He knew when to quit so he was just sober enough to drive home. No tickets, no problem. He’d told himself this for months, yet he knew deep down something had changed. Wasn’t he allowed to hang out with a few friends after work to unwind?

Through the crack in the trunk’s hinge, he saw the house go dark. Janie must have finally called the kids away from the window and shut the light off. This was his chance to escape with less guilt. He’d call them tomorrow after she cooled off, try to explain again why he couldn’t stay. It was going to be a long night though because he didn’t have any idea what he was going to say.

Shutting the trunk, Robbie noted that the front porch light was out too, as well as the street light. It was as if he had been plunged into total darkness. Not a light was on in any house up or down the block. He berated himself again for thinking he could sneak away in the cover of darkness without facing the darkness he’d just left inside. But just as quickly as that thought came, so did another. The power was out all over and he wasn’t actually sure he should leave right now. What kind of person would leave his family in a time of need? If they thought he was an asshole before, this would prove it.

Using his fob to lock the car, he walked back toward the house just as Janie was opening the front door. He was thankful he could only see her silhouette in gray and not the redness and puffy eyes he knew she possessed.

“What’s going on?” was such a dumb question for Robbie to ask, but someone had to speak first. Shrugging her shoulders was his answer.

They could hear movement all down the street as others were making their way outside, likely with the same questions. Every family seemed to stand on their own territory looking at each other in the darkness. A few had donned flashlights and the street looked like a stage show about to begin. It wasn’t until Gerald, the neighbor to the south, shouted to him that families began to gather in the street.

Gerald’s phone gave off a faint light as he stuffed it back in his pocket. “Just called the power company but I couldn’t get through. WiFi must be out. I wonder how far this power outage goes?”

The kids were suddenly at each side of Robbie, tucking themselves under his arms, cuddling not like they were scared, but like they got another chance and never wanted to let go. Man, this was going to be hard to leave after this. He tucked them a little closer to his sides, closing his eyes, taking them in, not wanting the moment to end.

Janie had her arms crossed to the chill night air, or perhaps it was her defiant stance in light of the argument only a few short minutes ago. She kept her distance from Robbie, making a point he guessed, but it made him embarrassed. If she kept this up people would start to wonder. He’d made the decision to leave tonight, which had seemed wise, so why was he so worried that other people would know? At that moment, he was glad no one could see the anguish in his face.

Neighbors talked in low chatter for a few minutes, but starting making their way back inside when there were no answers. Work and school loomed in the morning and a dark house was not going to change bedtime. Walking the kids back to the house, Robbie paused on the porch, not sure what his role was. “Maybe I should come inside, make sure everyone’s okay before I go.” The sentence hung in the air like a thick fog. Scooting them inside, she turned to Robbie, “I guess that’s ok.”

The kids were not shy about their excitement, jumping up and down and shouts of “Yay, daddy’s staying!” rang through the house. His wife’s expression said she was regretting this and he didn’t want to overstay his welcome or start any more problems.

“I’ll just get them ready for bed and tuck them in. Then I’ll be on my way. Unless there’s something else you need?”

“No, that’s fine,” Janie answered dully, and turned to walk into the kitchen.

He didn’t want to let them go. Teeth brushed, pajamas on, and a last tuck and hug. How could he stretch this out any longer? “Daddy, you’re gonna stay now, aren’t you?” his son pleaded with him. What were those lines between his son’s eyes? He was too young to worry this much. Robbie knew he had caused them and it broke his heart. How could he tell his son no? How could he leave him again tonight? What kind of father does this? No one expected this blackout, but it had made things much worse for the current situation, and he didn’t need this to continue to drag out.

“I’ll be downstairs,” he told him, even though he knew it may be a lie. Letting go of his son’s hand, Robbie stepped on a Lego as he shuffled to the door. The pain brought tears to his eyes, that sharpness on the bottom of your foot. Tears were dropping on his shirt in a matter of seconds and he knew they were for more than that stupid Lego.

Robbie wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and found Janie surrounded by candles, sitting on the sofa with her legs tucked up underneath her, an afghan wrapped around her shoulders. She didn’t look up when he came around the corner, but the candlelight told him everything he needed to know. She had always been the most beautiful woman he had ever known. He wondered if he’d forgotten to say that to her lately. He used to say it all the time. Even with her face scrunched in anguish, her beauty did not diminish. Had he lost sight of that in all the arguing and pride?

“I guess I’ll get going then.” He wasn’t expecting a reply, especially the one he got. As he’d turned on his heel to leave, he heard her soft voice. He didn’t want to argue anymore and considered pretending he didn’t hear her; just keep walking.

“Robbie,” she said it again, but this time with more sadness. He couldn’t pretend now. “Maybe you should stay tonight. Sleep on the couch, I mean.” She shrugged with an air of not caring one way or the other. “With the power out, it’s going to be hard to get a room anywhere tonight. But just for tonight.”

One hour ago he was the devil. One hour ago he was certain she would never speak to him again. How could 60 minutes and darkness change all that? He was curious about it, but not enough to let this moment get by him.

“Sure,” he answered plainly, not wanting to sound too anxious. “I’ll make up the couch.”

Robbie could hear her upstairs busy in her nightly routines and he couldn’t help himself. He may have been angry earlier, but the sound of Janie brushing her teeth, walking back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom, opening and closing the door to check on the kids made his heart flutter. He’d wanted to be gone, wanted to just be alone. But this, this, was too much. He wanted to be upstairs, with her, watching as she got undressed and made herself ready. It was his routine to watch and he had squandered it. He’d lost his chance, and all at once regret overtook him. The sheets balled up in his hands, pressed to his eyes, he began to sob. “What did that stupid barstool ever teach him?” he thought. “Was there any beauty in the mirror behind the bar? What conversations were so compelling at the rail that they outshined talking to his own wife?”

It would be a long night. He had so much to think about and figure out what to say in the morning. His greatest fear now was not that others would know they were in trouble, but that they had crossed over a line they couldn’t come back from. Lord help him to say the right things in the morning. After the darkness comes light. He lay on the couch, staring up at the dark ceiling, hoping for one more chance.

The front door closing awoke Robbie, but he was unsure of where he was for a moment. Through the blinds he could tell it was not yet morning. Peeling back his eyelids brought back the current state of his life and he wasn’t ready to face it yet.  He’d either be out on the curb or begging for another chance. He closed his eyes again for a moment and heard a thump on the kitchen floor. Then he smelled coffee brewing, the strong stuff Janie survived on. The power must be back on.

After the twins were born, Janie carried that navy blue portable coffee mug with the chrome top everywhere. Coffee was her lifeline and Robbie was determined to find the perfect cup of joe for her. He signed her up for coffee of the month club. They got some decent coffee and some good laughs out of that one. Who knew there was coffee grown in Siberia? Internet research found all sorts of indy coffee companies. The ones that gave earnings to charity were his favorites, and he ordered regularly from those. Funny how in the end of his searching they agreed that Dunkin Donuts coffee was their favorite. It never made him stop searching though. Back then he had just wanted to do anything to make her happy.

He spun his body so that he was sitting on the edge of the couch now. Elbows resting on his knees he bowed his head and said a silent prayer that he would find the right words to apologize. He just hoped he wasn’t too late.

She was clinking the spoon in her mug, seemingly miles away in thought as he came around the corner. “I had some time to think last night. I’m not sure I slept a wink.” She shifted in her chair, stirring in more coffeemate, unable to look at him yet. “I said some things last night I will always regret. They weren’t fair and you didn’t deserve them. Is there any way you would give me another chance? I don’t want you to leave, Robbie.”

Janie looked up from her steaming cup, not having taken a sip yet, and stared across the room. Robbie was so shocked by her words, he stood dumbfounded looking at her, but she wasn’t looking at him. In the corner by the couch, the floor lamp was illuminating his olive green duffel bag.

Robbie walked the few steps across the room like a man being given a death row pardon. Gratefulness surrounding his every step. Without saying a word, he shut off the floor lamp and took Janie’s hand, leading her upstairs. He was filled with hope, and certain the sun would come up again today.