a mothers love

Finally, the time had come. 19 years, she had waited. 19 years, she had patiently watched countless full moons come and go, each one a step upon a ladder, leading the way to the promise of a meeting with this exact full moon. 19 years, since her doting, sweet, kind-hearted mother performed her most treasured ritual in hopes of protection for an eternity. 19 years, since her mother walked away from that same illuminating, hopeful moon and lost her life.

The details of her mother’s death were always ones that Luna wished she had never gone looking for. It was the night that the full moon arrived in the same place, at the same time. An occurrence that only happens once every 19 years. It was a tradition that spiralled far and wide through her family tree. To travel on the night of the full moon, search for a place that is high enough to see the light cast rays of hope upon the land. From your chosen destination, you would gift the earth with a seed and water in its soil and recite the poem.

Here I am,

My darling night,

I’ve come to see,

Your brightest light,

I gift the earth,

With seeds and water in tow,

And recite some lines,

All Whilst you glow,

Moon, protect me,

and my family dears

please keep us safe,

for the next 19 years.

After all these steps were taken, the belief was that the power from the moon would coat you and your loved ones with a layer of protection. From there you could live out the next 19 years in peace. Her mother arrived on a hilltop not far from their house 19 years ago, oak seed clutched in hand, fully prepared to bargain with the moon. Luna had stayed at home with nonna that night because she was too young to stay up and watch it at its brightest. She had sports day the following morning and her mother had kissed her on the head before bed and told her she needed her strong sleep. Not her beauty sleep. Her mother told her that she didn’t need beauty sleep because she was already the most beautiful girl in the world. Strong sleep was important however, our bodies relied on us to let them refuel. Like a car she had said, filling up while we slept. She had further gone on to say that one day, after an eternity of strength building, our bodies would obviously be tired, and we would use that strength to bounce into the body of an animal and carry on living. Luna told her mother then that she wanted to be a dolphin one day and her mother had told her she loved rabbits.

Her mother had travelled alone that night, with the power of the family line behind her. A family line which by the way, lived very long, healthy lives. She had no reason to doubt the rituals authenticity. After clawing a little hole in the dirt, she had planted her seed. she had recited the poem, probably with the most angelic and trusting tone and she had turned on her heel, thanking the earth for allowing her the opportunity to protect her family. As her mother had made her way down the grassy bank to return home, she had been unaware of the imminent danger that lurked not far away.

 Her mother didn’t return home after. Luna can still remember the knock on the door the next morning. She can recall the pale face of her Nonna as she rushed to greet the two policemen. She can close her eyes and see the way they took off their black, shiny hats and held them to their chests and she can still hear the blood curdling screams that escaped from her Nonna as she fell to the floor and was torn apart. She was told that her mother had gone to heaven. She was told that the moon shined even brighter now because her mother was a part of it. Years later when Luna grew old enough to search for answers of her own, she had found articles on what had really happened. She learned that a man was stumbling home from the pub on that same night, intoxicated and angry because of a recent divorce. He had seen her beautiful mother on her return, lit up by the moon. He had stalked her up the hill and watched silently and as she turned to make her way home, he had punched her perfect face enough times that even the coroner didn’t know how long he had punched for. He had abused her mother in ways she couldn’t even begin to comprehend and left her there. under the moonlight. The stupid, disloyal moonlight.

Luna bit her lip to prevent the tears from falling as she reached underneath her bed to grab the dusty trinket box. She sucked in a deep breath and fought to calm the rage that burned a hole in her stomach. She opened the lid and its hinges groaned in restraint as if knowing her intentions. Inside the box sat years’ worth of collectables her ancestors had gathered during their visits to the full moon. Nonna had collected pieces of the grass she had plucked from beneath her during her visits and tied them with pieces of string that now looked withered and frayed. Her great grandmother had carried home tiny scoops of dirt on her visits and placed them in delicate glass jars sealed with corks. Among the treasured keepsakes, Luna spied her mothers. Two Polaroids she had snapped when she must have thought the moon was at its brightest and most beautiful. The second Polaroid was the one she had taken on the night of her murder. It had been returned by the authorities after the investigation had ended and her mother’s murderer was safely behind bars. Along with her yellow daisy dress that had a tie around the back, her black boots that were never clean but somehow still looked divine and her infinity necklace that Luna never once saw her take off. Her hand trembled as she held the polaroid in front of her face. She wished that she could reach through the photograph and grab her mothers’ hand, to warn her of the fate that waited for her when she turned around. A sob escaped her throat, but it quickly turned to pure, undiluted rage at the fact that there was nothing that could be done. Her mother was gone. The moon did not protect her even after all those years of the family presenting undeniable loyalty to the ritual. It only took from her the most precious thing in this world, and nothing was going to bring her back. Lunas hand swiped viciously across the matchbox; the room fell silent as if it was holding its breath. She threw the box like it was nothing more than an old receipt onto the stack with one hand. She blinked slowly, a tear escaping down her cheek and when her eyes reopened, she cast the match atop the pile and sat silently as she watched it burn to ash and felt the heat dry up the last angry tear she will ever shed about this cursed moon.

As Luna began the same journey her mother ventured on 19 years ago, she couldn’t help but feel severely nervous. She had carried years of resentment for this night on her shoulders, over the years she had grown up with a stolen parent. She would check online to see which dates would carry a full moon and mark them on an oversized calendar in her bedroom, just so she could shut her curtains, climb into bed and ignore them. She had known for a few years now what she was going to do tonight, and she hadn’t felt a shred of remorse until the moment her muddy trainers had started the ascent to the top of the hill. Her nonna had passed a couple of years earlier, she had died peacefully in her sleep with no real cause of death. The doctors said it had been painless and she remembered conversations with people that kept saying “it was just her time to go.” She hated it when they said that. But just because her nonna had died peacefully did not mean that the ritual had any part in it. Her nonna had lived an extremely fit and healthy life and so the moon could go to hell if it thought it could stake any claim in the way she had passed. Luna was the end of the line. Tonight, she would be ending a tradition that even she didn’t know how far back it went. Good riddance. Her family may have been foolish enough to believe it had given them long fulfilled lives but all it had done for her is turn her life into one of sorrow and anguish. When she finally reached the peak of the hill, she threw herself down on the grass, folded her legs and rested her head against her mother’s oak tree. Her heart felt heavy as she realised it was one of the last things her mother had touched. She couldn’t deny the awe she felt deep inside of her at the blinding light that radiated from the moon and reflected off the city below. She braced her hands on her knees and tilted her head back, the moonlight accentuating her features. There was no preparation for the speech she wanted to give so she told herself she would speak from the heart.

“I’m so angry mum. I don’t think angry even cuts it. I’m infuriated and frustrated and sad and lonely and empty and numb all at the same time. Because of this moon and this tradition and this stupid fucking oak tree.”

She lifted her head from the tree to scowl at it as those words poured from her.

“I’ve missed you every second of every day for the past 19 years. I miss the way you made me feel mum, it was never that thing in the sky that protected us. It was you. It was your body and your spirit and your kind soul that protected me from so many things. It protected me from bullies. I never cared what they said about me because you made me feel beautiful every second you were alive, and I believed you.” The words ached. She could feel all those years of pain with every consonant and vowel that blended.

“I wasn’t afraid to lose the boyfriend I had loved for 6 years of my life, when he began to taunt me and threaten me. I confided in him about this ritual, and he turned on me. He branded our family freaks, called me a freak! He changed after that; I walked away the first time his fist met my face. I walked away because I knew my worth… because of you.” She braced herself for the words she was about to speak.

“I’m not completing the ritual tonight; I burnt the family keepsake box, and I am going to sit here and stare at this moon without giving it an inch. I’m not going to recite any stupid poem or thank the planet for anything. I’m going to end the tradition with me, like it ended you. I’m really sorry if that’s not what you wanted mum, I love you.” tears were free falling down her cheeks now, they dripped onto the floor beneath her - and she let them.

She couldn’t be sure, but she could have sworn the light from the moon dimmed slightly after she had finished talking. She tried not to let that thought swallow her whole and sprang up to retreat home. Luna made it halfway down the slope when a noise had her senses on high alert. A continuous thudding noise escaped from the line of trees and bushes to the side of the hill, followed by an occasional whimper. Luna navigated her thoughts; it might be a trap to coax her into a darker area by someone or something or someone or something might genuinely need her help. It took her no longer than 10 seconds until she took a steady jog towards the sound. Heart throbbing in areas she didn’t even realise had a pulse, Luna tried to peer between the thicket, being careful not to draw too much attention to herself. The thumping grew louder, and she was most definitely closer to the source, but she struggled to see with the trees covering the light of the moon. Luna moved with stealth in search of something long she could part the tops of the trees with. A fallen branch from one of the trees nearby was her first weapon of choice and she darted back to the entrance of the thicket. She pressed herself up onto her tiptoes and as she swayed, managed to tuck some of the branches behind each other; Just enough to let the now blinding moonlight trickle down into the bush. stepping inside she realised the thumping had stopped - although she wasn’t sure how long it had stopped for. The trees she had tucked back flicked back into their usual position without warning. She tried to conceal her rising panic as the darkness concealed her. Had she been too concentrated on parting the trees to notice that the noise that had drawn her here in the first place had disappeared? Something didn’t feel right. Luna quickly turned her heels to return to a place that was well lit, but she stopped dead in her tracks as her eyes fell upon the male figure stalking his way up the hill.

She recognised the shaggy black hair and the way he swaggered from where she now sat crouched in the bush. Her ex-boyfriend had never taken the news of the breakup with a light heart. She was forced to get a restraining order against him once it had officially ended. It seemed the more his ego dented the more violent he became, so she put the order in place for peace of mind. What was he doing here? As she watched him closer, she realised his head was turning frantically in different directions. Is he looking for something?

“Oh Lunaaaaaaaaaaaaa” his voice was taunting; he had come here to look for her. shit...

She had told him about the ritual, and he had known she would be out of reach and vulnerable. Luna concealed her phone with the palm of her hand and turned the brightness down just in case he glanced over and caught sight of her. She forced herself to calm her breathing and dialed 911. After she gave the details of her whereabouts to the call handler and details of why she was making the call, Luna waited for 10 eternal minutes before 3 police officers pointed their weapons towards him, demanding he lay down with his hands up. She watched as her ex drew a gun on the officers, a gun that was intended for her. She can still hear the deafening sound of the shots that ripped through him and ended his life. She can still smell the sweat and fear that leaked from her in that bush. She can feel the sorrow she felt as she emerged from the bush and thanked the moon for giving her the space when she had needed it most and she can still recall the glimpse in the corner of her eye of a golden coated rabbit as it bowed its head towards her and hopped into the thick of the bush.