Making a Difference

As Matt Forekey sat in his office facing two young men in their first round of mediation, his job interview at the school flashed through his mind.

*****

Panel: “Why do you want to be a school counselor?”

Matt: “It’s my passion. I love helping young people. They are our future and it’s our responsibility to teach them how to be successful.”

Panel: “How would you help two students with irreconcilable differences?”

Matt: “Well, I wouldn’t start with the assumption that their differences are irreconcilable. I’d start by showing them that they each have their own perspectives, and help them get past their problems by helping them understand one another. I’d remind them that they don’t have to like each other, but at school they still have to treat each other with respect and dignity.”

Panel: “$55,000 is not a lot of money in this town, but it’s the most we can offer given your experience. Are you sure you’d be able to maintain a positive attitude here if you were to accept a position?”

Matt: “Absolutely. I understand I’ve only just graduated. This is the first time I’ll be able to apply my education in a meaningful manner. I will be able to stay positive just by knowing that I’m making a difference in these young lives.”

*****

That interview was almost five years ago. Matt had seen hundreds of kids come through his office since then. Spoiled kids whose parents excused all of their misbehavior. Poor kids who couldn’t afford food, let alone new clothes. Angry kids who couldn’t find productive outlets for their aggression. Depressed kids who’d had so much more thrust upon their shoulders than a teenager should ever have to face. 

So many kids. So many problems. Was he really making a difference? No matter what he did, there were always more kids in trouble. More kids who needed help. More kids than he could help. More kids that didn’t get help. What was the point? How long could he keep caring? 

Matt wondered what would happen if he quit. How long would it take the school to replace him? Would they pay the next counselor more money to get someone with more experience? Would the next counselor do better? Would the parents notice? Would the students care?

With a deep breath, Matt forced himself to calm down and stop spiraling into his dark thoughts. His own misgivings wouldn’t help these kids, that much was certain. He still had a job to do. He still had a responsibility to the students.

“Tell me,” Matt said, “what seems to be the trouble between the two of you? Joshua, why don’t you go first and then let Aaron give his side.”

Joshua looked at Aaron sitting next to him, and then back to Matt before speaking. “I don’t like the way Aaron looks at me in the locker room. We’re all in there together, and it’s not right that I have to get changed in front of a faggot.”

“Whoa! I’m going to stop you right there.” Interjected Matt. “In this school, in my office, we treat each other with respect. We don’t use slurs. You respect yourself, you respect your peers, and you respect me. If you can’t do that then this ends here and you opt for disciplinary action instead of mediation. That’s what you agreed to before we started. Do you understand me?”

“Yes sir.” Joshua agreed. “Very well,” replied Matt, “continue…respectfully.”

Joshua hesitantly began again, “Well it’s like this: I’m not comfortable changing with Aaron in the same room as me. What if he tries to hit on me? I see the way he looks at me. I don’t like it.”

“Okay, thank you for sharing, Joshua. Now let’s hear what Aaron has to say, and then I have some questions for you both.”

Aaron didn’t look up from his focus on the floor. He didn’t say anything. He just looked confused and angry and sad all at once.

“Aaron, can you please tell us? What were you doing before you and Joshua got into a fight?”

Aaron finally spoke, barely containing his emotions, “This is stupid. I didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t be punished or made to go to counseling with this hypocrite.”

Matt had seen this all too often. Two kids in trouble; the aggressor and the aggressor’s target. Of course he didn’t think it was fair, but school policy dictated that ALL kids involved in a fight were to be punished or agree to mediation. No exceptions. Even when one was clearly a victim of the other. 

Matt gave Aaron another few seconds and finally replied, “I understand you are frustrated, Aaron. But we need to hear your side of this story. Joshua has told us what he was thinking, please just tell me what was going through your mind – and then we’ll discuss each of your actions that brought you to be in my office.”

“Fine.” Aaron finally relented. “I was doing the same thing I always do after gym. I went to my corner of the locker room; I left everyone alone. I didn’t talk to anyone; I didn’t look at anyone. I was changing by myself until I looked up when I heard the door close after Coach left the room. That’s when I saw Joshua looking at me. I looked back down but it was too late. We’d made eye contact and Joshua decided to make it out like I was ogling him. Before I knew what was going on, he was in my face and yelling at me. Then all the kids were laughing or yelling and someone punched me in the stomach. I fell back and someone else kicked me. Before I could do anything the Coach came back inside and broke it up, but sent us to the office for fighting. I didn’t even throw a punch. I fucking didn’t do anything but mind my own business and now I’m being punished for fighting. I hate this school.”

Matt sighed. “I get it. You’re upset. This isn’t how you wanted your day to go. You just want to get back to your life. But we don’t always get what we want and life isn’t always fair. I’m not going to tell you to calm down. But I will ask you to refrain from cussing here. Remember; we’re still in school.”

Aaron didn’t reply. He just dejectedly sat in his chair without looking up to see anyone. Joshua let a smirk cross his face, but kept quiet as he waited for Matt to resume the conversation.

“Okay.” Matt continued. “Let’s talk about right before someone punched Aaron.” Joshua’s smirk quickly faded as he realized the focus was back on him. “Joshua, what did you do when you and Aaron made eye contact?”

A shadow passed over Joshua’s face as he replied, “I asked him what he was looking at. I didn’t want him to get any ideas about me, and I didn’t want any of the other boys thinking I was like him.”

“Aaron, did you reply to Joshua?”

“Of course not! I just turned around and went back to changing. But before I could even put my shirt on, Joshua was right there screaming at me.”

“Joshua?” Matt questioned. “Why did you approach Aaron? If he had turned around and wasn’t bothering anyone, what made you continue to engage him?”

“I had to make a point.” Joshua replied. “I had to make sure nobody got any ideas about me…”

Matt continued questioning Joshua about his reasoning. He couldn’t be sure, but something seemed different about Joshua now that the conversation had come this way. Joshua seemed more insecure; less confident. Matt was starting to suspect something more was going on than just a show of bravado.

“So you wanted to secure your reputation with the other guys. Do you think that’s an appropriate rationale for you starting a fight with Aaron?”

Joshua maintained a look of guilt on his face, but tried to assert his innocence, “I didn’t even hit him. I just wanted to make sure he knew I didn’t like him like that. I didn’t want him to think I was staring at him because I liked him or something.”

“Joshua,” Matt pondered, “have you ever flirted with a girl before?”

“Of course!” Joshua insisted indignantly. 

“Okay, and has a girl ever turned you down?”

Joshua hesitated, then finally replied with an affirmative, “Yeah, sometimes.”

Matt continued his questioning, “So let’s say, just for a minute, that Aaron thought you did like him, and he tried flirting with you later. Why couldn’t you have simply turned him down? People have to deal with unwanted advances quite often in the real world – especially when you’re out in a social environment. You’re going to have to learn to deal with that in a healthy manner. So I’ll ask again, if Aaron had approached you later, why couldn’t you turn him down just like those other girls turned you down, without making a scene?”

The silence in the room was palpable. Aaron still hadn’t said anything else, but Matt saw him occasionally glance over to Joshua. Joshua still seemed uncertain, but angry at the same time. With neither student willing to engage him, Matt decided to try another tact to get them talking.

“All right let’s set aside everyone’s hormones for a minute. Joshua, you haven’t told us anything that would lead me to think that Aaron lied in his recounting of the events in the locker room. As best I can tell, he’s always done his best to go unnoticed in the locker room and he certainly didn’t act aggressively towards you this morning. In fact, it seems to me that you did far more to bring attention to you and Aaron than anyone else. So tell me, what did Aaron, or anyone else in that locker room do that made you act the way you did? Do you think your actions were appropriate? Do you understand how your actions, and not Aaron’s, led to the incident that landed both of you in my office now? ”

Suddenly, Joshua’s stoic look of indignant anger morphed into something that appeared more like anguish and finally embarrassment before finally settling on embarrassment, as Joshua’s eyes began to moisten with overwhelming emotion. Matt caught his breath, surprised by the transformation he witnessed across from his desk. “Joshua, are you okay?”

Joshua said nothing, but looked as if he wanted to scream and burst into tears. Aaron looked over again, and finally straightened his back as he began to speak. “He’s afraid everyone’s going to find out what I’ve known all along.”

Joshua glared at Aaron and yelled at him, “Shut up! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Aaron’s earlier comment about Joshua being a hypocrite now made much more sense. Matt suddenly found himself facing a much more difficult predicament than a simple matter of homophobia and bullying in the school locker room. This was something he wasn’t going to fix in a single mediation session between two troubled teens. This required a professional. Did he even consider himself a professional anymore? He was just a school counselor. Was he equipped to handle this kind of problem?

Taking another deep breath, Matt tried to think of the best way to de-escalate this situation so both boys could come to some resolution. Before he could say anything, Aaron piped up again, a distant stare on his face as he relived an old memory. “I never said anything about Joshua before because it wasn’t my right. I never had the chance to keep my secret. One day someone just said it out loud to be mean. And then everyone believed them and repeated what I couldn’t deny. It just became a reality for me. I didn’t want to do that to Joshua. He deserved to have his own time to figure it out.”

“You think I want to be like you?” Joshua finally retorted. “You think I like being like you? You don’t know my family! They’d disown me in a heartbeat; my friends would all hate me. I’d lose everything! At least your parents still support you. Mine think people like you will burn in hell.”

Matt knew he had to overcome his own speechlessness if he was going to turn this sudden revelation into a constructive path for resolution. This was so far beyond anything they’d ever covered in his degree program. But here he was, the only one in a position to do something. Perhaps the only adult in these kids’ lives that now knew of this secret. If he didn’t help, who would?

“Nobody’s parents are here right now. Right now this is just the three of us, having a conversation. I’m not here to judge either of you. I’m here to help you. What we’ve discussed here is remarkable just for the sheer vulnerable honesty.” Matt paused, waiting to see how the boys would react to his words. So far, they were both clearly upset but they seemed at least relieved at this admission of progress. Not wanting to lose them, Matt continued, “Here’s the deal: Nothing said in this room has to go beyond these walls. Agreed?”

Matt looked between the two boys as they looked at each other and finally nodded their agreement. Relieved, Matt took another deep breath before deciding to move forward with his decidedly shaky plan. “Thank you. This is an excellent demonstration of trust. For both of you. I get it. Neither of you are comfortable about this entire situation. It’s tough. It hurts. But perhaps the best lesson I can give you is that only you can choose how you react. You can choose to hate each other and never speak of this again. Or you can choose to acknowledge each other and the challenges that each of you are facing. There are a lot of other options to choose from, but I’m hoping you’ll both agree to continue coming here for mediation. I think both of you can benefit greatly from additional, safe interactions. What do you say? Can we trust one another to keep sharing with each other?”

It was a matter of seconds, but felt like an eternity before each boy finally agreed. Matt let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was even holding. He couldn’t believe this was happening. So much had happened in such a short period of time. 

“This is great.” Matt realized the absurdity of his statement as he saw the incredulous look each boy gave him. “Okay maybe great isn’t the right word. I’m just glad that the two of you have been able to be honest here, even if the road has been…uncomfortable. For now, here’s what I’m asking for: each of you come to these mediation sessions with an open mind. I’ll never ask you to share something that you’re not ready to share. I’ll never ask you to do something immoral or unethical. I’ll never judge you for what you say here as long as you keep things respectful. I’ll never share anything discussed here with anyone else, and I’ll ask each of you to make the same commitment unless you’re both agreed otherwise. And in our discussion, my hope is that we can all help one another grow and grow comfortable with who we are, regardless of what other people think, say, or do.”

Matt paused and smiled as both boys were visibly relieved at his words. They each agreed to his request and even settled on continuing mediation sessions twice a month. Neither seemed certain about the future, but they appeared to be ready to embrace the potential for progress. As the boys got ready to leave Matt’s office, Joshua looked at Aaron, and shakily leaned closer as he said “I’m sorry Aaron…and thank you.” Aaron nodded without saying anything and the boys left together.

For the first time since the session began, Matt relaxed his muscles as much as he could, considering just how intense this mediation turned out to be. He thought again about his interview with the school and smiled to himself. Maybe he was being a little too critical of himself earlier. He may not have solved ALL of those boys’ problems, but he knew for just a short period of time, they had a safe space where they could be honest with themselves. Honest with one another. If he could keep doing that, maybe he could make a difference in their lives. Maybe his work was worth it after all. And tomorrow would be another chance to make another difference. Now that was something to look forward to any day of the week.