Recognizing the Truth

The day I walked through the doors of the Log Cabin in Beverly Hills; My second chance on life began. The moment I stopped pretending that I could do it "ALONE". In submitting I was powerless and in surrendering I found my freedom. I had to admit that I was brutally broken and addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was obsessed with my crazy criminal boyfriend from South Los Angeles.

No one could tell me to leave him. No one! I was so broken that I thought abuse to be a normal part in a relationship. He thought that abusing a female was normal because his mother taught him that anybody, but immediate family can be abused and used.

Admitting that I knew nothing about relationships was not an easy task. My picker was broken. His cheating and unwillingness to work, I regarded as normal. He reminded me of my stepdad. It was familiar.

My stepdad used to lie on the couch drinking one double liter of soda after another, watching TV and he smoked, cigarettes. My mother worked incessantly and had no help at all. Matter of fact we were lucky the days he was not drinking and sloppy drunk.

Similar to my boyfriend who smoked drugs and drank hard liquor from early morning until late night. Unwilling to look for work. His bad habits were supported by his mother. His mother "cosigns his bullshit," is what I would say. While we lived together, he came home late most days. Other days he was high and sloppy drunk and extremely violent. Sometimes he stayed at someone’s house and did not call me at all. He did not call for days. Dare I asked where he was that would encourage him to fight me.

The morning, I walked into the Log Cabin AA meeting was the beginning of the end of an old life. That morning of fall in 2014, I drove for Uber to make extra money and to get out of the house. On that morning, I was not able to sleep and hoped to clear my thoughts.

Looking back, I am ever so grateful I ended up at the Log Cabin meeting. We both, the violent boyfriend and I lived at my boyfriend's mother’s house. A horrible situation. A horrible family and they all were drug addicted hateful people. Unhealed trauma was the underlying cause. Unwillingness to change.

I was only there because I thought that I was in love. In all reality I had no idea about love, healthy relationships or decency. I was like a feral cat and in survival mode at all times. How sad that was is indescribable.

I turned my Uber app on and was called to pick up a guy named Scott in West Hollywood. It was six o’clock in the morning. I looked at the rating of the customer and decided that a 4.97 rating was great. I was 2 miles away from the pick-up address and decided to do get the customer.

The neighborhood pick-up location was quiet and nice and there were houses amongst small apartment buildings. The buildings and streets were clean, and the cars parked on the neighborhood streets were upper class cars. I saw a few people walking up to Melrose to the local coffee shop on the corner.

I did not wait for longer than 2 minutes when my customer appeared walking through the apartment building's entrance. Scott was a tall slender man with short blond hair. Dressed in tennis shoes, jeans and a clean t-shirt holding a coffee mug. He got in the car and started a conversation. “Hey, nice to meet you. Thank you for picking me up. I have to be on time to my meeting because I open the place.”

“You are welcome. What place are you opening that early in the morning, and what kind of meeting?” I inquired.

He smiled, leaned over from the car seat, and said, "I'm an AA meeting secretary and have the keys to open the meeting place. I make sure that the coffee is made, the chairs are set up, the bathrooms are clean, the coffee is made and that the speaker shows up on time.”

“Really?” I looked at Scott inquisitively because he seemed a little too hyper for this early morning time. “So, you are sober too or what? And how many people help you with that set up?”

“Yes, I am recovering, but I got my struggles. I am on medication for my ADHD. But yes, for right now I am sober. I do not party, drink or do street drugs. I had to stop coz it almost killed me. I overdosed twice and almost did not make it. My boyfriend had to call the ambulance several times and then left me because he had it. He is a successful man who has no time for a druggy like me to ruin his life and future or break his heart.” After Scott had shared a part of his story he sat back on the seat and got really quiet. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“I am sorry,” I exclaimed, “I did not mean to make you upset or sad with my questions.”

“Oh no you did not,” came the answer, “This has nothing to do with you. I did all of these things which got me here today. My family suffered, my friends suffered, I lost jobs or quit them, I lost two great boyfriends and now I am working on staying sober.”

We were close to the Log cabin and Scott scooted over to the door behind the passenger seat. He got ready to get out of the car.

We approached the Log Cabin, which is surrounded by bars and restaurants and in a West Hollywood party area. Stopping outside the cabin, I saw many people on the sidewalk waiting for Scott. They were standing there with cups in hand and most of the people were smoking cigarettes.

I said: “So you are telling me that they all go to an AA meeting this early. In this area, ha. Do you think I am stupid or what?” I smiled at Scott and shook my head.

“Gurl, gurl, this is really a meeting, and you do not have to believe me come in and see for yourself. Do you think you could use help? Do you have an addiction problem? We are a group of drunks and addicts, and we meet here from Monday to Friday at 6:30am. The meeting starts at 7:30am sharp and it closes at 8:30am. After that we often go for breakfast together and hang out with each other. Some of us go to work. Others meet with their sponsor for step work or big book reading.”

I did not believe what Scott told me and replied: “Naw, I leave, and you do your thing. This does not look like a meeting to me.”

“Well, ok then if you ever feel the need to join us you know now where the meeting is. You can come here any time.” He opened the car door, stepped onto the sidewalk, a guy came up and gave him a hug, and they disappeared between the crowd of people.

I was confused. A part of me wanted to go in and see. Another part of me did not believe what Scott had just told me. "A meeting," I thought. I decided to drive away. Then about two blocks from the cabin, something in me told me to pull the car over, and park. "Think CLAUDIA LISTEN TO ME I am your inner voice think and turn around. Go see what this meeting is all about. You know you need help."

I must have been sitting there for at least fifteen minutes when I suddenly decided to turn around. Still hesitant, I wanted to know what was going on at the cabin. My curiosity was so much more powerful than my disbelief. My need to get sober was so much stronger than my fear of finding out it was not a meeting.

Outside the cabin I realized that there was a parking garage right across from the building. I drove to the garage, parked and walked over. The doors to the cabin were fully open, and I heard numerous voices speaking simultaneously within. I walked up the four stairs to the open doors and entered the cabin. There I saw through the crowd of people Scott was sitting at the large table all the way in front of the rows of chairs. Scott saw me and said loudly: “Welcome, take a seat.”

The crowd of people turned around, saw me and they all shouted: “Welcome.”

I smiled, unsure and took a seat all the way in the back next to a heavy-set bald man who stretched his hand out at me saying: “Glad you found us and glad you came inside. This is a great group of people, and we all are a little crazy but sober.”

This was the day my life changed for the better. The day I drove Scott to the Cabin. Attending the meeting that very day marked the start of my second chance. Nobody told me that I had to go there, and nobody forced me to stop drinking, nobody asked me to give up the boyfriend. Everybody made helpful suggestions, and they told me about their experiences.

I heard people say that I had to be responsible for my life. They said that I had to change one thing which was everything if I wanted a better life. Everybody said that they worked the twelve steps. People told me that they stayed powerless and turned it over to a higher power. Some of them said that the higher power is God, others said it’s the Universe, some said that their higher power is nature. All of them told me that the higher power can be anything which I conceive to be more powerful than self. All of them said that the meeting, the step work and all of the people had nothing to do with religion.

“Religion is a cage and spirituality an open field,” they said.

“Alcohol opened the gates of hell and let me in. AA opened the gates of hell and let me out,” they said. "Oh, wow," I thought, "I really like that a lot."

From that day forward, I never picked up a drink or drug again no matter what. I made several mistakes in early sobriety and didn't commit to staying sober and working the steps until 7/10/15. I also got into the middle of the "herd". I was at the Log Cabin meeting every morning. I also went to other meetings daily and on weekends.

It sounds so cliché, but: "I owe my life to that AA group." We still meet on zoom even though most of us moved away from Los Angeles. Some of us moved to other states and some to other parts of California or to Urban areas around Los Angeles. Some of the original members including two of my "sobriety Eskimos" died.

However, all of us, who are still trudging, can go onto that zoom meeting at 7:30am from Monday to Friday. I will always be grateful to be a part of the Log Cabin.

“Claudia grateful recovering alcoholic.”