You know what? I QUIT!

You know what? I QUIT!

Isn't that something that's often said by so many people? Why? Exhaustion?

Over stresses?

The ever need to have money for mainly bills, cost of living, making whatever left over for whatever we can afford. Right? So, do we actually quit anything? Most of the time the term quitting means some form of boundary being pushed until you break from it or stand firm against it. But what does it mean to quit? What are you quitting? When you change who you are; it's a form of quitting not just 'evolving' into something different. Especially, trauma. That makes you quit yourself in the worst- automatic ways, impossible to understand it before it happens and you shutdown in ways you never would imagine.

You know what? I QUIT!

This is something that I took on before I even had a chance to fight it. Grief- deep sorrow- despair gave me the ability to say fuck it and just not care about achieving dreams or desires or making anything of myself. Besides, there are and were so many choices to choose from- how do you pick without knowing what each one is about correctly? If it's nothing like school- all that time wasted just to find out you hate it. And it takes years to master something new. Do people really carry an excitement about failed years- just to get to try again or get stuck there because too much time has passed and your body can't keep up with your mind.

Passions don't equal to talent -no matter how much you can try.

Then there's opportunities but those can come once in a life time and a lot of the time- they show up at the wrong times. Or only given FREELY during certain ages like at school; when you are clueless about so much at that time and you let the opportunity go bye bye because somewhere in your head you think that it will always be there..

You realize the frontal lobe isn't developed at this time. So, of course it makes sense as to why it's given to under developed minds; that kind of choice vs when we are smarter and fully developed. WE have to chose when we don't stand a chance? and it's held against us until we figure out: We now have to pay outrages amounts of money just for a certificate.

... and BTW: YouTube learning doesn't count because it's free?.. Even when there are teachers and professors trying to help others educate- and we can't apply it to a resume without being laughed at with the words literally being said ' that doesn't count- let's just forget about that part'. Was it because I took my time to try to learn something? or because how dare you NOT pay for it.. then why would it be offered freely by others who believe knowledge should always be free?

Wouldn't you agree that grief is given to us in so many forms? I've learned to adapt with it while it's been eating me alive. And no THIS IS NOT A GOODBYE STANCE-ENDING IT ALL idea. nope. I quit in a different way.

So, you know what? I QUIT!

I have a problem with the rushed timeline that the world- society- our own selves- make us live in- even what we must look like to get approvals?.. Yeah, ok it's not anything but 'outside pressure' when you analyze it down and it's nothing that you actually want in that timeframe but for whatever reason we aren't allowed to embrace 'self' because of some form of guilt and shame that keeps us bound to this concept. I fell for it.

That mentality is everywhere. Big and small individuals: The system works well you must admit, for centuries you realize. Eons. This entire place is a school in itself- one I'm not sure any of us are really supposed to graduate from.

We all fall prey to a greed, we can't stop and as it turns out there's a whole schooling system to it that we commoners have no real access to. It's called 'how to keep power and wealth'. And you have to earn stupid amounts of money to gain any type of freedom; is the most obscene joke ever. EVER!

You know what? I QUIT!

I even quit caring for my body and yes, that's something I regret. But at the same time, it doesn't bother me because what's the point to life? When everywhere you look, even on the bigger scale- it's nothing but a giant ring of people 'fighting' to gain some sort of status for this 'one time' life. To become good at something- make your family proud and so many more self-pressures to achieve..

Then there's inner agreements to yourself you break or embrace. It's exhausting on levels we all feel to various degrees. Mine's just used for a deeper; different try something 'outside the box', so outrageous because at this point why not try anything' stance that might just work. I broke so many promises to myself too. Because of why? what's the point. Just quit before begin.

You know what? I QUIT!

I quit so hard, I fell down a rabbithole and came out with a conclusion- something so radical and insane and logical- it just might work. And if because I quit this way for decades- and it works. What will happen if it succeeds? What happens that my final conclusion does exactly as it supposed to?

But who am I; other than someone so exhausted from this world's bs- I gave up and decided to hide until I die but instead; now I have to emerge like a butterfly. Whether it was chosen willingly or forced upon me. But is change always chosen? Doesn't it usually happen when you are backed into corner and out of options?

I thought I had quit so hard- I thought I would be able to stay hidden. What is it that I really wanted to quit? Life itself? The expectations of life and no outcome? Stalled seems more appropriate term then quitting.

So, you know what? I wasn't quitting. I was stalled and do you know what you do when something stalls? You Fix It.