What Will It Take?

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. They weren't actually on fire although my mind felt like it was. Trying to comprehend rather im doing right by the people in this world is hard to come by. 

Everything was happening so fast, faster than my mind was able to comprehend. Why can’t I just get everything together, why is it so hard for everyone to just work with me on things. They aren’t even important things people just like to make things harder than they actually are. Of course they would, it isn’t them who has to worry about the things that go on in this world. It’s me, it always has been and it always will be.

But when will it end? When will I be able to say that it is all finally over and actually be happy with the outcome. I mean they all expect me to do everything and be happy while I do it, however, I know if it was the other way around it wouldn’t work like that. I can’t be happy and flexible. I can be one or the other but definitely not both.

They wonder why I am always upset, why I never smile. If they took a step back and looked at things from a different point of view they would soon see that it is them who has the problem with me. I don’t have a problem with them. I do my absolute best to help anyone and everyone with everything that I possibly can. They don’t understand how hard it is to keep up, how hard it is to be me. 

Growing up with all these different expectations I had to learn early on in life how tough the world truly is. If life was easy we would all be able to do the things that I do, sadly that isn’t the case. I'm sure you guys know bits and pieces, but that doesn’t mean you understand the way things truly are. You see, people like to paint these beautiful things on social media, but if you spent a day in their life, you too would see.

Happiness is an easy thing to paint on the internet, I mean all you have to do is post the picture where everyone is smiling. We all smile for pictures but once the picture is taken how do we look? I know personally my smile fades away. I guess it is fun to sit there and pretend to be happy, even if it is just for a second. By the end of the day, when all your tasks are done, where do you find yourself? Are you peacefully asleep? Are you wide awake wondering what could possibly be wrong with you? 

The truth is, life isn’t easy. The sooner we accept that the better of we will be. I know that is sad to think, but it is the truth. Everything isn’t rainbows and butterflies. It doesn’t work out the way your parents make it seem it will. The older you get and the more mature you become the more you realize that the world is actually full of monsters. Not the ones from movies either, but people. I know some people that have done some things that actually made me question humanity. I’m not going to get into that though because i’m sure you know some people like that too. 

Everyone wants you to do something, but then other people get mad about it. So what do you do? Because either way you can’t win, someone will always end up being mad. Just like always they make you decide because they don’t want to be the bad guy in the situation. Why can’t they be the bad guy? It’s not like I want to be the bad guy, but I have to because if I don't then no one else will and if no one else does it then I get stuck in the middle either way.

I wish I could just be happy, I wish I didn’t care as much as I do. The truth is I care a lot. A lot more than I want to admit, but I can’t help it believe me I’ve tried. I want to do what makes me happy, but that hurts other people and i'm not about that life. I wish there was a way to make everyone happy all the time. I don’t like to see people when they are sad, but I love to be able to cheer them up more than anything. I try to help people in the only way that I know how and that is by being there for them as much as I possibly can. It’s just getting harder to be there for other people when none of them seem to care about my wellbeing. I mean I get it, I do, I know it’s hard to be there when you have a thousand other things going on but I manage. 

Maybe it is better that you don’t though. I am tearing myself up over being there for everyone that needs me. It makes me feel good, especially in that moment, but when I am alone at night I soon realize that no one is there for me the way I am for them. Don’t you think it's sad? I mean you can do 99 things for someone and all they will remember is the one thing that you didn’t do. It can really be draining when everything you do is for other people and they still complain about it. How does that even make sense? Why do people have to be selfish and only think about themselves? How long will it take, or what has to happen for people to finally realize that the only way the world will become a better place is if we all work together to make it one? Why can’t we all just work together to make the world a better place? How hard can it really be?