Dining With The Damdykers

Lu Lu waddled into the living room where her husband was lounging on his worn-out and patch-worthy Easy Boy watching cable TV. She stood in front of him with her hands on her hips and pretending to be impatient. Lu Lu was hungry. But her appetite craved grilled cheese. But since Lu Lu didn’t know how to cook, she had to somehow get Big Al to prepare it. So the persuading began.

Knowing that Big Al thought he knew everything and could do anything better than anyone, Lu Lu aimed a barrage of compliments at his bigger than life ego.

Lu Lu began, “You know that cheese you put in the grilled cheese sandwiches?” “What was it called again?” and ”You make them best!”

Lu Lu continued, “You should have become a chef.”

“And since you do it better than anyone, I want you to grill them.” Lu Lu demanded.

Now that Lu Lu had him all puffed up with self confidence, Big Al got up to make his way to the kitchen.

“I really don’t know anything about cheeses or about stoves either,” Lu Lu cried.

You see, of the many flaws Lu Lu harbored the capacity to figure things out was her #1 problem. So I don’t think she was lying this time. For example, 10 years ago they received a brand new HotPoint kitchen stove but Lu Lu hasn’t utilized it yet. She claims that when she tried to use it fire came out of these round holes on the top, so she thought she broke it. And never went near it again. So it is left to Big Al to cook all meals. I hate to think what would happen if she made an attempt to use the oven. BOOM!

Big Al assembled everything he needed to whip up a cheesy lunch, and Lu Lu was right behind his every move. Pretending to be interested in using the stove, Lu Lu asked a lot of impertinent questions.

“What does this knob do if I turn it?” Lu Lu inquires.

Lu Lu continues, “Can I help?” “I can boil water. Do you need hot water?”

The outward appearances of the Damdyker family is important to know. Lets examine them for a moment.

Allen Anthony Damdyker Sr. was born in Kentucky and was the son of a moon shiner who taught him everything he knew at the time. So showing his ignorance came to him naturally and much too often. I don’t know what Allen Sr. looked like when he was a child, but I am assuming Lil Al was his unintended clone. When I knew him, he was heavy set and took pride in his beer belly and plumbers crack. The most prominent feature was his naturally curly hairdo that bore a bald spot that started at the middle forehead and continued all the way to the back of his head. The type most clowns are famous for.

His know-it-all personality had the effect of boring his listeners . While twisting the spoken word around in order to fracture the truth was bad enough, but he would slowly take his sweet time communicating it-thus numbing the minds of his audience. Slow motion was his weapon. This charcteristic made one think twice about considering any contact with him at all. Exaggeration, fantasy, and self glory were his forte.

Lu Lu Louise Damdyker had a fair, but freckled complexion and blue eyes which enhanced her gentle temperament. It was fortunate that she was born with size 13 feet because they had to support the rest of her size 16 body, and did so without any trouble at all. It must have been her plumpness that was responsible for her tacky taste in attire. refusing to consider fitting her form into anything that required a zipper. So her wardrobe consisted of a closet full of lackluster tent dresses. But at least she was comfortable while going around looking like a frump 365 days a year.

As for her hair, I believe the color might have been ash blonde under the plastic hair curlers she always wore. But since she hid her hair under rows of tubular plastic, I never actually witnessed any of it. I couldn’t understand the reasoning behind her unwillingness to permit any of her hair follicles an unmasked and funneless breath of fresh air once in awhile. Once I caught her off guard by poking fun at her “chic coiffure.” Expecting Lu Lu to laugh or at least acknowledge my intended pun. Instead she left my joke for dead with a reproaching, “Speak English for heaven’s sake. We do live in America you know.”

Lets talk about Little Alllen Jr. Where should I start? At 3 years old the first thing that was noticable was his head. It resembled a rotund gazing globe used to predict the future but with no hair on it. And his wrinkly white pasty skin made his cranium take on a neon glow making it look even larger. His three years growth of almost transparent never-been-barbered peach fuzz posing as hair just wasn’t all that Lu Lu bragged it was cracked up to be. In actuality, little Al’s purported strands that Lu Lu swore was coexisting with the top of his head- wasn’t! But there were a few stray strands that poked up, sticking together to form into a lonesome cowlick that side saddled the top of his obelisk cranium. The rest of it must have appeared to Lu Lu in private then disappeared in public. If it was really on top of little Al’s barren peak it was only there on a brief visit because I totally missed it. But whatever or wherever it was its roots blanketed the bottom rim of the back half of his large melon-like head. Then it prickled a trail up his noggin where it came to a halt, leaving the tip top naked and shiny and subject to all kinds of weather.

Other than protruding beyond their sockets his albino eyes had an iridescent glow with no color in them and had the capability of boring holes into anything he looked at. This allowed him to find any target in pitch darkness. Because he had a very thin and skinny neck, from far away his head looked like the planet Jupiter sitting on a toothpick.

After the Cheese-Wiz was applied to the buttered bread, Big Al grilled the sandwiches to perfection. Then all three Damdykers gathered for their meal together.

“Yep, the best in town!” Big Al boasted.