Don't Tell

I wake up from my nightmare drenched in sweat once again. I can't seem to escape the endless guilt. The fact that I have to look her in the face everyday is what kills me the most. She doesn't know. If it was up to Connor, she never would.

Connor and I go way back. He is the best person I know, but everybody slips up occasionally; however, our mistake this time was irreversible. We were just kids and didn't know any better. In our small town, Sonic and Walmart were the only places kids went to hang out, but Connor had found a new place to waste our time. Towards the town limit, close enough to ride our bikes, was a shallow creek. We spent most of our summer days out there and life seemed good. It seemed like the perfect spot to bring the girl I had been swooning over since the seventh grade, Harper. I invited her to go with us one evening, but there was a small issue, Harper had a boyfriend. She politely declined.

Connor and I went to the creek that night despite my rejection. This day was much like any other day spent in our spot. While skipping rocks, we had heard the crunching of leaves behind us. My heart skipped a beat. Harper must have changed her mind and somehow found out where we were. I had whipped around to check, but unfortunately it was not her. It was her boyfriend, Dawson, and he did not seemed pleased. He had a look on his face that did not set well with me. Connor and I stood up quickly and faced him. I remember his harsh tone when he spoke.

"I don't want you to speak to her again," he said with a firm voice. I started to apologize when Connor stepped in, cutting me off. He told him to back off, took a step closer, and bowed his chest at him. This is the moment things really took an ugly turn. Dawson muttered some profane words under his breath and took a swing at him. Connor was expecting his punch and moved out of the way. Dawson's momentum was too strong to stop himself from falling face first into that creek. I tried to reach for him but it all happened so fast. Dawson's head hit the rocky creek bottom before I had the chance. My heart sunk and Connor climbed in the water to see if he was okay. Connors face was white with fear. I knew what he was going to say before he spoke.

"Matt, he is dead," Those 4 words still echo in my head. Connor shook me, trying to get me to say something. I was in shock and I couldn't get myself to say anything at all. Frankly, I had no words to speak to him. Once I snapped out of it, I knew we had to tell someone, but Connor had other plans. He told me that we had to keep it a secret. I couldn't believe my ears.

"He is already gone," I recall him telling me. "There is no use in getting help now, all it would do is get us into unnecessary trouble." It was all too hard to process. I was only fifteen. Connor had always been so level-headed. I decided to trust him and we went home like nothing happened. We swore to secrecy on our ride back. I knew it was wrong, but in the moment I felt like I had no other choice. Now I live with that feeling everyday. The feeling I can't shake. What if we would've stayed and gotten help? Would Dawson still be here today? I can't take it back though. Dawson is dead.

The day his body was found changed everyone's life. The school had a ceremony and his locker served as a memorial. Notes and pictures covered every inch of his locker door. Whispers circled the halls in the following days on how this tragic event even happened. Connor and I remained clueless and fingers were never pointed at us. His funeral was held not long after and our parents made us go. When Harper had gone up to speak, I knew I had to come clean, but Connor still resisted and told me it was fine.

For Harper, she seemed to slowly fade away. She was in pain. I was the cause of that pain. In her mind, I am just the boy who asked her out. I am just the boy who gave her a hug when she couldn't hold in her tears anymore in Chemistry class. I am the boy that had nothing to do with the death of her best friend. If I had it my way, she would know and I would deal with the backlash. It would be easier than walking through each moment knowing in the back of my mind that I was there that night.

My dream tonight much like any other. It is always her. Tonight, she looks at me with those piercing blue eyes. She smiles sweetly and then it is like something snaps and she begins to sob. You can see the hurt in her eyes and she starts to back away.

"I know what you did!" She cries out angrily. Then, those words repeat over and over getting louder. They then begin to fade away just as her beautiful face slowly transitions into Dawson's.

"I am so sorry!" I plead. He gets a sinister grin and pushes me into the bottomless creek. I start drifting down into the endless abyss, silently hoping it's real this time so I can be done with living this lie. I relive the day Dawson died all over again. The look on Connor’s face when he realized what happened. The lifeless body that belonged to Dawson lying in the water. The nauseous feeling in my gut. Then, I hear the words of Connor telling me to forget about him and leave. I pray to not wake up, but just as every other nightmare I have experienced, I wake up back in my own bed. Back to living the nightmare of my reality. The one where I am too big of a coward to tell the girl I love the truth.

Until now.