Awakened

Awakened

I am here and my eyes are open wide. There is for me now light instead of darkness, and in its warmth I bask while returning to myself. I welcome it with outstretched arms and pull it toward me for comfort and protection. In my heart I plant it and vow to guard it diligently, to nurture it lovingly, keeping the darkness at bay.

Repeatedly have I shut my eyes to the comings and goings of the world, telling myself the hurt of it doesn’t matter, and self-medicating to blur edges and soften blows. Behind my eyes, in self-induced sleep, darkness comes quickly and descends with me firmly in it’s grasp. Each time I succumb to it, I risk not making it back.

As I emerge from this prolonged slumber, my waking will is strong. I am fearsome as I remember who I am and what I can do, and yet the Beast I battle is voracious, his beautiful voice is forever in my head. “Sleep again.” he whispers, and I am filled with longing to sink into ignorant bliss, to hide myself away where I cannot be found. Oblivion calls to me, offering her sweet embrace, causing me to forget the forthcoming misery of her grip. “Rest your head.”she says, and the assurance in her voice fills me with the desire to sacrifice myself completely.

To those awake and in the light, it must seem effortless for the ones lying torpid in darkness to remain as such, settled in for eternity, unmindful of responsibilities and expectations, unconcerned with contributing to anything or anyone, especially themselves. However, I tell you from experience that much effort is put forth to remain in darkness, struggling to ignore the barrage of memories and flashing images of family, friends, hopes, and dreams – all of which relentlessly attempt to force their way behind tightly sealed eyes.

Often did I choose to reside in darkness; however, no longer am I heedless of its incessant hunger. I know all too well that it does not want “some”... it wants “ALL”. When it held me firmly in its clutches, I desperately sought salvation in the glimmers of light piercing its membrane; and, when in the light, I steadfastly withstood the call of shadows creeping in to devour me.

Never-ending is the battle against darkness’s call on my life. My need to help others escape it is all-consuming. Nevertheless, I fear that if I attempt to rouse them from their indifference, the darkness might take me captive once again. The danger is imminent, and my overwhelming sense of self-preservation causes me to become indifferent as well. As such, I am ineffectual and of no benefit to myself or anyone else.

Admittedly, I have given my power to fear – a form of darkness in and of itself, one which binds and cripples. How shall I escape it? With which weapons shall I fight? My resolve to remain in the light means I have no choice but to overcome fear, to break the chains of darkness once and for all. I must remain awake and ever-vigilant to escape the snares which are most assuredly set for me. No longer shall I rest my head and sleep as the enemy desires. To do so is certain death for me. To live, I cannot allow darkness of any form to enslave me again.

Recognizing my enemies, the ones to whom I’ve given my power, is vital to my survival. Poisonous thoughts, grudges, jealousies, and self-hatred must leave me; and, I must not leave vacant the confines of my mind in which they and other such darknesses dwelled. In doing so, I would leave myself vulnerable to worse inhabitants than they, to what could only be referred to as an infestation. This I cannot and will not allow.

To remain awake and reach the heights to which I am destined, I must change who I am inside. There is no other option for me in this matter. I must replace fear with confidence, poisonous thoughts with lofty ones, grudges with forgiveness, and jealousies with thankfulness for the blessings others have received.

I must admit that the larger truth is daunting, the one in which all of my shortcomings are acknowledged. Will I grieve the loss of self-imposed constraints, simply because I will no longer be able to use them as an excuse for making easy situations difficult and difficult situations impossible? I choose to believe that ridding myself of such hindrances will serve only to breed new confidence in myself, and that I will no longer be a slave to excuses.

Shall I allow to prevail in my life the worry of not having the ability to handle failure in a healthy manner, or shall I step out in faith, even in the face of fear and doubt, and trust that I can overcome adversity? I choose to believe that failures offer opportunities to learn and grow, and that it is possible for good things to come from failure.

What about the fear of ridicule? Shall I allow my growth to stagnate over the possibility of negative words, actions and opinions? How can I possibly grant unto anyone power over whether or not I will engage in actions of good will and good intent? I cannot and will not stifle myself to avoid negativity in such situations. After all, have I not already said goodbye to fear?

Our very lives depend on recognizing of the power of darkness. It lures us into its grasp and lulls us into what it hopes is a never-ending sleep, where freely it can feed on our insecurities. The darkness knows what to whisper in our ear to capture us, and what to say to keep us there. I tell you, do not believe it because the truth it cannot speak. Its lies hold us down until finally, it keeps us down forever.

Today I walk in the light with confidence. I am here and my eyes are wide open. I know who I am and what I can do. I have been awakened.