Am I destined to be a failure? 4044.

Should i continue in this life path or not?

I had an eventful day today. I decided that I needed to do something with the bulge that some might call love handles. Went on to YouTube and looked for something simple that I could do. Found a video that promises to reduce weight in just a span of few minutes. I fell for it, and did it. Apparently I will feel sore the abdominal area the next day. I am greatly looking forward for it. 

As i was moving my body here and there as instructed, i reflected on my life choices. Why am i doing what am i doing? If I had chose something else, perhaps, I would be better off, physically and perhaps mentally.

I have sat for multiple examinations in the past 5 years. I started off with medical school. It wasn’t my first option, however, since my parents were paying for my education, I like any other Asian child, just did it. How hard could it be? You just have to study the entire time and forget about social activities. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

 I did miraculously survived medical school. Then comes the next phase that most of freshly graduated specimens would be dreadful. It’s internship and training period. Sigh what a period that was. I did somewhat completed it at the stipulated time and became a full fledged doctor. 

During my internship, I had the opportunity to be trained in the psychological medicine rotation. Not all would be lucky or unlucky enough; given the current circumstances I am in at the moment, not sure whether I took the right decision that time to join that rotation. I somehow liked it and decided to pursue as my speciality.

That is when my ordeal started. I sat for my first professional examination; MRCPsych. I had failed it. To be frank, I just signed up for the fun of it and thought it would be okay as its only one best answer questions. To my dismay, it made me realise that nothing in life should be taken lightly. A great lesson learn with some money burnt. 

I decided to go for the exams again after six months, I still didn’t make it. It was a huge disappointment for me despite my best efforts. I was broken. I just kept the feelings to myself and went on with my working life as though nothing had happened. People around me showered sympathy-filled words, which made me feel worse. Then again, not their fault, they are just trying to make me feel better; I consoled myself. 

One year flew by, work was already hectic. On top of that, new rules imposed now and then, made me to think again of my current status; a medical officer. Thought to myself, I shall upgrade myself soon, for I might be chucked to any other place in which I will have no say.

Hence, I decided to attempt the paper again for the third time. However, this time with a colleague turned good friend. Let’s call her Sarah. She is such a fun person to be with, helpful and her ADHD nature cracks me up sometime. We had study groups, and practised a lot of questions prior to the exams. Again, I failed, so did Sarah. Both of us were devastated. We chose to go on and decided to resit again for me will be the fourth while for Sarah, the second. Can you guess the results? Yup, we didn’t disappoint you, we failed. Hmmmmm…..

Were you all expecting that we passed after all the setbacks? We thought so too. However, I guess the universe had other plans. I applied for the masters programme under government sponsorship. I managed to get it and I was placed in national university in my country. It’s a prestigious university in my country, and to this date, I still wonder why did I get placed there despite not ticking it as my option. 

I went on to do the programme, while Sarah stayed back at the previous place. My colleagues, some of them here were quite helpful and fun to be around with. It was a healthy working environment. Despite having busy schedules and encounters with malignant lecturers, my colleagues made it seem to be a breeze.

I wasn’t prepared for the first year examinations, and I do not how some will view me, but I was actually thanking God for the pandemic. This is because, my exams were postponed and we were sent to extend our hand in COVID wards. I felt relieved for a while. I thought now that I have more time, I will be better prepared for my exams later on. 

The exams came by, I failed my theory. Yet again right. Are you getting tired already? There is more coming. 

Another 6 months went by, and my second attempt in theory. Guess the results? I passed! Like finally, I did it! My goodness that felt incredible. After multiple failures in the past, finally some thing to celebrate. I still had my clinical examinations to sit for. I prepared and felt I did okay. However, my examiners thought I needed more time, and yes I failed the clinical component.

I was probably among the first few who saw the results. I had a little tear at the corner of my eye, but I was at workplace. I cannot show my tear. I have to pretend that it is normal, part and parcel of life. Again, I was showered with kind words and pitiful looks and perhaps some condescending looks as well. Oh well I deserved it, don’t I?  Perhaps that’s my hobby. Since there is a pattern there.

The night before the results, I couldn’t sleep. I kept tossing and turning on my bed. I had this feeling that my results are not gonna be as expected. And that night, I had a dream. I saw a brown door, with numbers 4044 clearly and boldly on it. When I woke up in the morning, I googled up the meaning of the angel number: quoting from the website sunsigns.org; “is a symbolic gesture that all is about to take shape. Moreover, it means that you are one of the lucky people to receive blessings from the divine world.”

Now, what was about to take shape? My failure? People’s opinion about me? Where was my divine blessings?? 

Some says, failures are at times blessings in disguise. I am not sure how true is this. At this moment, I am feeling down, embarrassed, annoyed and frustrated. I now question myself, am I on the right path? Do I deserve to be a psychiatrist?

I cried myself to sleep. Hoping for a better tomorrow; if there is one.