Dead Girl Walking

 Nobody knows that I’ve been bit. Nobody can know. They’ll kill me. And I wouldn’t blame them. I wouldn’t feel betrayed if my own sister put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger if she found out. I would do the same. Because it is the right thing to do. The safe thing to do. So I’m biding my time. It may be selfish what I’m doing. But in this apocalyptic world, it's every man for himself. Or every woman, in my case. “Hurry up, Nevada. Trystan wants those potatoes by yesterday. We’re having a feast.” I snap out of my thoughts and go back to peeling the last potato. “I’m basically done. Here. Take them.” She picks up the metal bowl and walks out of the house. All the makeshift houses were built in a big circle after the apocalypse. So we’re all like one big family. Our house isn’t much. A run down cabin really. In the middle of a field that’s in the center of the Great Woods. That’s where I was bit. It was my fault. But I just couldn’t help myself. Thomas. The very thought of him makes my eyes tear up and makes me reach for my locket. A picture of the two of us on our two year anniversary inside. He was one of the first to turn. I visited him often. But I never crossed the electric fence. I sang to him. I talked to him. Sure that he was listening. Until one day. I couldn’t help myself. Three days ago I turned the fence off for a split second in the middle of the night. And I climbed over. “I’ve missed you,” I had told him. And he looked at me with pure love. Until he grabbed me. By my wrist, and then my waist. “Thomas!” I screamed. But he never responded. He threw me to the ground. And I realized that he wasn’t looking at me with love. He looked at me with hunger. With fury. And he bit me. I screamed and screamed, until he let me go. But not before tearing a piece of my midsection out. He felt pity. And he ran. I crawled back through the fence, and I turned it back on. I couldn’t get help, so I stitched it up myself. I wrapped it in bandages, and threw the bloody shirt far over the fence. I brush my fingers past the stitches as I remember. I wince at the pain. My plan is to wait until the last moment. Then in the middle of the night, like so many other times I'll sneak off to the fence. But this time, I'll go over and I won't come back. It's best this way. Nobody has to suffer. They won't kill me or throw me to the zombies before I'm ready. My sister will think I was eaten by a bear, or maybe they'll tell her that I got drunk and fell off a cliff. She wouldn't be surprised. My lips have touched more whiskey than water since Thomas turned. 

I walk out of the house, and towards the crowd of people gathering in the center of the house circle, a big table is in the very center. I go up to Evangeline, my sister, who is setting up the tables. “Why the big celebration?“ She looks up from the utensils and napkins. “He wants to celebrate nobody being infected in the last year.“ She hesitates, “Thomas marks the last person bitten.“ My eye twitches. But Eva doesn't seem to notice. I walk away from her without another word. I cannot hurt them, I cannot hurt Eva like this. I will leave tonight. After the feast. So I can have one last goodbye. I go back inside our house and get out my best outfit. The only dress that I had left, and my bright, diamond heels. The most expensive thing I still had. My mother and father had gifted them to me, before they were killed. Not by zombies, by a human. Long before the apocalypse even started. I've never worn them to try and preserve them. Just in case the apocalypse ever ended. I had a false hope that someday things would be normal again. And I would graduate, or have my wedding in diamond heels. But I messed everything up. Eva will get my heels. She's begged for them for years. But I'm wearing them to the feast.

Night falls quickly and the people have put torches up next to every house, and at the corner of the feasting table. I serve myself a tall glass of liquor. I don't want to feel anything when the zombies take me. I can see the townspeople eyeing me and then staring at my drink. Everybody in town knows about me. The girl that used to have the kindest eyes, and a bubbling personality. The girl whose eyes have lost their shimmer, whose soul has turned bitter. The girl who kept to herself inside her house and plugged her ears at every town gathering. Until now. “It's good to see you, Nevada.“ Trystan says from behind me. I turn my head around and smile at him. “Yes. It is. It's a lovely night that you've arranged for the town.“ He laughs. “It's what I do best, Sweets.“ I smile at that. My nickname since I was a little girl. I'll miss Trystan. He walks over to greet a couple that just approached the table. I look around the field to see happy people. Dancing and singing. Drinking, eating, and cheering. Oh God, what am I still doing here? It's not just my bite that could infect them, it's me. I've been infecting the town, my sister, and Trystan. I don't fit here anymore. I suck up their happiness. I don't belong. I have to leave right now. 

I quickly find Eva and ask her to walk with me. “What's wrong, Nevada?“ I flash my most convincing smile at her. “Nothing! Just wanted to spend some time with you.“ She looks at her feet. “I love you, you know that right, kid?“ I ask her. She looks up at me and smiles. “I love you too, no matter what.“ She hugged me tightly. The first hug she had given me in over a year. And I hugged her back. “Listen, Eva,“ I started, “I'm sorry for not being there for-“ Her skin. It smells delicious. Her eyes. They're so pretty. I want to know what they would look like in between my teeth. And I bite her. And a couple drops of blood flow from her cheek and into my mouth. I greedily gulp it down and I crave more. I want to hurt her, I have to hurt her. So I bite deeper.

And then she starts to scream. It's an agonizing and ear piercing scream. I am startled by the scream and I jump back. And the split second is all I needed to snap out of it. No. No, no! It was never supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to hurt her. I run to get help. Spitting her blood out of my mouth and wiping my face with my sleeve. I run as fast as I can “Trystan!“ I scream. “Please! Anybody!“ I need them to kill me, or to help Eva. If they can. Trystan looks up and walks towards me. A crowd gathers around him, muttering. Afraid. “What is it, Nevada?!“ He asks, obviously agitated. Suddenly the crowd behind him gasps and Trystan whips his gun out from its holster. I prepare to be shot, but quickly realize he isn't pointing it at me. His gun is pointed at Eva. She is slowly crawling towards us. Blood streaming down her face and an obvious bite marks her cheek. “No! Don't shoot her!“ I scream and try to lunge towards Trystan. “She's infected!“ He says as he shoves me off. Eva looks up at me. Hurt. There is agony and fear in her eyes. But the thing that she feels most is clear. Betrayal. Trystan pulls the trigger. Once, twice, and a final time. I fall to the ground beside her. Bullet holes pierce her small body. She's dead. She hasn't turned yet, but they killed her. She's dead forever. What have I done? Trystan and another man drag me off of her, and Trystan pulls me into a tight hug. Forcing me to face away from her body. But I feel no guilt anymore. I want to rip Trystan's flesh off of his bones. I want to taste his tendons. His blood. 

I push away from him. I cant hurt another person. “Shoot me Trystan.“ He looks at me perplexed. “What? No. No, I'm not going to shoot you. You can't ask me to take your life!“ I look up at him. No tears in my eyes, no shame. Only hunger and rage. “I bit her. So shoot me too!“ Trystan raises his gun again, but hesitates. “I'm already turned, it won't kill me.“ I slide my heels off and place them in the grass. The crowd follows my every move. “Bury Evangeline in these.“ 

I sit in the grass and nod at Trystan. Instructing him to pull the trigger. His hand shakes as he walks towards me. Pressing his gun to my temple. “Goodbye, Nevada.“ He says, forcing a smile. But I can see his eyes are full of tears. I look straight into his eyes. And his mention of my name, not my nickname, my old life, snaps me back to reality. I sob. Big and ugly sobs, and I only cry harder at the sight of my dead sister. “I don’t want to be shot!” I shout. But Trystan doesn’t move his gun. “I know. Just close your eyes and don’t think about it.” I hear a sob creeping into his throat, so I just do as he says. I shut my eyes and wring my hands together. “Say hello to Thomas for me, Sweets.” He whispers in my ear. And everything goes quiet.

I wake up to birds chirping, wind blowing through the trees, And the sight of my Thomas. “Thomas!” I jump up, but I feel a pounding headache. I put my hand to my forehead and feel a steady stream of blood coming from a bullet. But I don’t care. Thomas is here. He holds my face. “I’ve missed you, love.”