MOTHERHOOD

When I was 19 years old I got pregnant by a 37 year old man I was 17 years old when we first met and he was 35 years old we lived in the same building I was living with my grandmother at the time I was taking care of her and I was a student at the Cleveland Jobs Corps Center my only income was a welfare check for $100.00 a month I was a high school drop out Now the man that I got pregnant by he worked for the Post Office Full-Time I really care for the man he never did anything for me he never gave me any money our relationship was basically sexually when I finally took off my rose colored glasses and faced reality when I told him that I was pregnant by him he told me that he did not want children but I never thought that was a issue because he never told me that he did not want children and he never used protection I was devastated I had nobody to talk to my mother had died several months before I met this man I already suffered from depression and I had anxiety before she did I kept my pregnancy a secret from my grandmother she was a ordained pentecostal minister who really lived a righteous 24 hours a day 7 days a week out in the open and behind closed doors I know that nobody is not perfect but she was close enough as far as I am concerned she walked it like she talked it for real there we're some problems with my pregnancy I took some money that I was about to gather up and I had a abortion at a hospital I did have medical coverage but I have to pay a couple of hundred dollars out of my pocket as well so the hospital got paid extra extra after the abortion was performed I saw a hospital worker holding a big see through glass jar filled with liquid and my baby was inside the jar it was my first pregnancy many doctors surrounded my bed side before the abortion I regret what I did each and everyday day I cared about this man and I thought he cared about me but he did not it was just sex for him every time we had sex he would tell me that was out of sight and then he would kiss me on the lips after I had the abortion weeks later we linked I told him that I had a abortion and that I was sad he smiled he was O.K. with that we had sex afterwards we watched T.V. and we talked for a while then I told him I was going to catch my bus and I will see you later I told him I will call you later I never did call him or go to his apartment ever again I broke that relationship off if you can really call it that when I really think about now when I was leaving his apartment and I pulled his door shut I closed the door on whatever we had going at the time I should have knew better but we all love and learn don't we I did not have to think twice about my decision I thought to myself after I got pregnant and I told him he said he did not want kids and after I had the abortion he smiled he was happy not sad and we had sex again and he did not use protection so I could get pregnant again let me stop being my own worst enemy he did not care about me or our child enough is enough years later I saw him downtown in Cleveland, Ohio standing in front of the welfare building we looked at each other neither one of us said a word I walked right past him like I really didn't know him because in actuality I really did not know him I thought I did I was a quiet teenager I was longer nobody knew I was pregnant I told my sister that I was pregnant after I had the abortion I told her how old he was and everything he tried to introduce me to marijuana he handed me a joint I put the joint in my mouth I took a couple of puffs I was not impressed I was mad he told me to give him back his weed he told me that I was not smoking it right I had told him before and that I was not a smoker at all that I did not drink and that my grandmother was a ordained pentecostal minister and unfortunately there are hundreds of young females teenagers in this same situations they have not finished school some of them finished school and met a boy or a man that acted like that really did not care about her he was not who he said he was several of my relationships we're disappointing because the men we're just not there for me any other way shape or form besides sex years later I met a man he was nerdy funny he was handsome charming but he kept his substance abuse issues hidden from me and he did not tell me that he had a drinking problem and that he would have blackouts when we first met we we're both homeless before he met me he was living with a friend that was a male before I met him I met his friend I went to meet his friend for a second visit he was not home so this handsome nerdy man walks down the hallway up to the same door that I am knocking on and he says hello to me I ignored him he knocked himself and he did not get a answer he continually knocked on the door because he friend was letting him stay there because he had nowhere else to go now after he could not get in to his friend's apartment he spoke to me again and I let my guard down he asked me did I want to ride around looking for his friend he said his other friend had a car and that his other friend would drive us around looking for the third party friend I agreed during the drive the man I started talking we had something's in common more than enough so he asked me did I ever have sex with the man that I was trying to visit today I told him no and he said tome well I like you and I want you to be my lady and I said I O.K. because he was down to earth and I was too so later than his friend the one I was trying to visit finally came home and he told him flat out this lady came to visit you today she was knocking on your door I was walking down the hall up to your door I spoke to her she ignored me I started knocking on your door continually I never got a answer I told her that we could ride around in our other friend's car looking for you and that our other friend would do the driving she agreed we rode around looking for you we talked quite a bit we have more than enough in common he told him that he liked me and that he asked he if we had every had sex and she said no so he told him I told her I want you to be lady and she said yes so he told him we are talking so we are together so we talking now after his friend told him get your stuff and get out of my house