My Stupid Journal

10/2

It's Monday. I'm supposed to write a story "using a series of diary or journal entries" for my English class. I think it's stupid. What story am I going to tell? I don't have any stories. What am I going to write about? School? Home? Sports? Girls? How I have a crush on a girl and have no idea how to handle it or what to do about it because my parents never talked to me about things like that? Or maybe about how I'm awkward and borderline creepy about it? How I drive by her house all the time and try to force eye contact in the hallway and just generally act like a sweaty weirdo around her? I've never even talked to her. She knows me, for sure, but we've never talked. One time she threw a baseball to me when I was playing catch with my friends at recess in grade school. That's literally the only direct interaction I can remember us having.

But that isn't even a story. Boys like girls all the time. I might be especially weird about it, but I'm probably not even that. I might not even be the only sweaty weirdo who drives by her house. She's pretty, and popular, and plays sports and goes to parties and drinks and is cool and everyone knows her. Of course I have a crush on her. That isn't much of a story.

I'm going to fail this, aren't I?

10/4

It's Wednesday. I saw Liz in the hallway. She looked crazy pretty like always. She didn't look at me.

She's a year ahead of me. A senior. Why would she want anything to do with me anyway?

I still think this is stupid. There's no story there. "Ugly weird kid has crush on pretty girl who doesn't notice him." Super original.

I have no idea what else to write about, though. There's nothing interesting about me or my life. I have school, then I'm going to soccer practice, then I'm going home and eating dinner and watching tv and doing my homework and studying for my chemistry test tomorrow and the whole time I'm going to be fantasizing about Liz and asking her out and her being there on the bench watching me practice and then her driving home with me and quizzing me on chemistry so I'm ready and then making out afterwards and leaving my house at 10pm and then her calling me at midnight and us talking for an hour because neither of us can sleep.

That's going to be my day today. No story there. The same stuff every other boy in my class is going to be doing.

10/9

Monday. Another week. My weekend was ok. We had a soccer game Saturday. We won 4-2. We have a pretty good team.

I was at Ben's all night Friday. We watched stand-up comedy. That's been our thing lately, I'm not sure why. Most of the comics are "eh", but every once in a while there's a good one. Friday was a good night for it. Two of our favorites were on.

My parents are worried that I spend too much time with Ben. They think I'm gay because I'm over there all the time and don't have a girlfriend.

If only they could see what I think about Liz.

Today is boring again. Story-less, still. This assignment makes me feel bad. I don't have any stories to tell, let alone through some creative form like "a series of journal entries". I don't even know how to write stories.

I wish I had something new to add. Something interesting to contribute. A love story for the ages. Something that happens that forces me and Liz together and she sees me and loves me and we live happily ever after.

But that isn't going to happen. Not even in my journal.

10/11

I keep hoping that one of these days I'll write "She talked to me!". But I don't think I'll ever get to. Definitely not today, anyway.

I walked down the "senior" hallway like, 5 times this morning. Just up and down for no reason. I looked at her every single time I passed her talking to her group of friends. She looked at me once. It didn't mean anything, just "oh, there's that kid". Or maybe, "Ugh, there's that weird kid that keeps driving by my house. The one that my sister saw the other day when she was playing basketball in our driveway. Why does he have to be such a creep? I don't think he even lives near me." But then, she isn't interested enough in me to know where I live.

She'd be right, though. I don't live near her. I'm 10 minutes away, which makes the whole thing even creepier. I drive 10 minutes out of my way into her little subdivision I have absolutely no business being in and down her little side street I have absolutely no business driving down.

I don't even know what I expect to happen. I guess maybe that's just my way of saying, "Hey, I like you" because I lack the capacity to, you know, actually say that to her.

I did well on my chemistry test last week. 95%. Is that a story? "Boring kid does pretty good on chemistry test"? I don't think that's a story.

Soccer's going well. I'm on varsity, have I mentioned that? We're a small school and we're pretty good but not the best so it's not like I'm a special athlete or anything, but I'm proud of it.

10/16

I'm really stupid. Like, really stupid. As stupid as you can be.

I was at Ben's after our game Saturday. Mike and Nick were there. We were playing this stupid BMX video game and I made this stupid bet with Mike: we would race and if he won, I would have to call Liz and ask her out and if I won, he would have to call her and ask her if she liked me.

That's such a stupid bet, for one thing. How pathetic am I? Mike is two years younger than me. How pathetic is it that I would make a kid that age call a senior and ask her if she liked his friend?

I ended up winning. He's the kind of person that actually follows through on bets and isn't afraid to talk to people he doesn't know, so he actually called her. He called her and told her I liked her and asked if she liked me back.

She said no.

That's the other stupid thing. I knew she would say no. I knew she didn't like me. Why did I even have him call?

I live a mile from Ben's house. I walked home by myself after that, just thinking about how stupid I am.

10/18

One good thing that came from that stupid bet I made and Mike actually calling her is that I'm too embarrassed to be anywhere near her anymore. I haven't driven by her house since then, haven't walked down the "senior" hallway a single time. I'm actively avoiding her, which has actually been good. It's given my brain time to settle down and think about something other than how pretty she is and how desperately I want even the smallest morsel of attention from her.

It's actually given me space to look at her for real. And really, what's so great about her anyway? She's pretty and smart and a star athlete and everyone likes her? Ok, so maybe that is all pretty great, but she's still just a person. She's a person like me and has thoughts and feelings and gets scared and has crushes herself (although definitely not on me).

My point is, she's not special. She's not the only pretty, popular, smart, athletic girl in the world. And some guy is going to get lucky and be with her, but he won't be the only guy in the world with someone like that.

I'm going to get lucky too, one day. I'm going to find someone I actually like and connect with and want to be with and maybe she won't be Liz, but I'll love her and she'll love me and we'll be happy together.

Is that a story? Maybe that's a story, I don't know. It's probably as good as you're going to get from me.