The Heart Always Knows

My best friend Lorelei and I are both writers, for me food editor of a city magazine, for her contributor of short stories to many outlets. We always have lots of writerly things to share but for this get-together, as always at Pearlie’s Corner Pub, I had something entirely different to tell her.

“Well I got some news today, actually in the form of an invitation,” I said as we slid into our usual booth. “My little friend Tanya back home has gotten married. And here I am already married and divorced.

"It was just a small ceremony at the courthouse so they’re going to have a combination belated reception and New Year’s Eve party, and it’s going to be potluck. She tucked in a note saying they are on a careful budget but she’s a grown woman and not having her dad do anything but let them use the house for the party.”

“Do you think you’ll go? Her brother was your old boyfriend Bradley, right?"

“Yes, but I really would kind of like to be there for her. Even though I’m just a few years older, back then she kind of looked upon me as the mother she didn’t have. And we’ve stayed in touch all along.”

“Would it be awkward, Maris?”

“Hmmmm, I'm not sure. Thanks to Tanya I at least know his status, that he's divorced now too. She said he'd thought about moving out of town afterward but didn’t really want to leave the family business, their bakery. Tanya works there too. Anyway, the decision to stay became easier when his ex left instead.”

Our favorite waitress Maxine arrived, pad in hand, pencil poised. “And what may I bring you lovely ladies today?” She gave us some moments and then, “If you like lasagna, our special today is just divine.” “Sold!” I said, Lorelei adding, “Same and don’t spare the garlic bread, no dates for us today.” Maxine grinning, “Guessing that will be red wine then?” She turned and left, no answer needed.

There was a knock on the window – one of the reasons we loved this booth was to watch the passing parade and in our small suburb often as not there’d be someone we knew who then came in to join us for a short or long visit. In this case it was JoCarol and soon she was standing at my side.

“Thought you’d like to know, I just ran into your ex-husband at the gas station. Said he was here just for the day for a meeting with a client he still represents. Said to say hello if I saw you.” “OK thanks,” I replied, “I’ll consider myself hello-ed.” “Gotta run,” she said, “picking up take-out and then trying to get home enough ahead of the family to make it look like it all came from my own two little hands.” Chuckles, and she’s off.

“Yikes,” Lorelei said. “Looks like it’s your day for previous loves getting into your head. Of course I learned firsthand all I care to about your ex Rory. But I really don’t know all that much else about Bradley. Care to fill in some blanks?”

“So, Bradley and Tanya and their dad, Matt, moved to town when I was a freshman, same age as Bradley, Tanya at the time 8 years old. Their mom had passed away a year prior and I guess they just wanted a new start in a new place. They’d had a bakery back East and had found one for sale in our little California town. My donut obsession had me in their place on a regular basis, and soon I was often at their home too as Bradley and I began dating, or at least as much as that was allowed 14-year-olds, and at the same time I was developing a kind of motherly affection for Tanya.”

“Was the dad nice, good to the kids?”

“Oh my yes, superdad. This is sort of embarrassing, but I had kind of a crush on him. He was quite handsome in a rugged sort of way. But then I added in admiration when Bradley finally told me that his mom and dad had had a bit of a shotgun wedding at age 16. The thing is they were really devoted to one another and he didn’t hesitate to marry her, quit school and go to work in his father’s bakery, meanwhile insisting that she be the one to finish school, which because of the pregnancy was completed online. They had a loving marriage until cancer took her away. A terrible loss for these good people.

“Still, they were doing their best to carry on. And we had lots of good times.

“That all came to a rather abrupt end in our senior year when my dad accepted an offer to fill a department head vacancy at the prestigious academy here, a great opportunity for him, which is how we ended up in the Midwest. Bradley and I had both planned to go on to our local community college after graduation so our parting was less traumatic given that I would be back in a matter of months.

“But that’s not how it turned out. It soon became apparent that with dad's tuition and book perks for me here, housing rent for me back home, and transportation costs between the two, it just made more sense to pursue my culinary degree where dad was. Besides it's a beautiful campus and the instructors are first rate.

“So Bradley and I had to settle for a long distance relationship, but inevitably there was some attrition, and even sooner than I expected I realized I really wasn’t missing him that much. Eventually I had to send the letter letting him know I’d become engaged.”

“That was Rory?”

“Yes, Rory. Bradley’s response was just one word – Congratulations – and then I never heard from him after that. Meanwhile since I remained in touch with Tanya I was kept up to date on his milestones, including gaining full custody of his two children, and she also would include any news about their dad which was always welcome.”

“Well I must say, when I asked if it would be awkward I had no idea just how much that applied.”

“You know, I would kind of like to see him. I’ve wondered more than once if I made the wrong choice, if I should have worked harder to maintain the relationship even from afar. I mean Bradley really was a very nice guy. Maybe seeing him again could put that question to rest, even if I don’t like the answer. Of course no idea what kind of welcome I’ll receive 15 years later.”

“A nice guy Maris? Well that does set up a contrast with Rory, doesn’t it.”

“Yeah . . . yeah.”

On the drive home, unbidden, Rory did creep into my head. He was every woman’s dream. Seemingly. Tall, muscular, tousely blond hair, turquoise eyes that had the power to make your heart all but beat right out of your chest. And charm that worked its magic on men and women alike.

And especially dear to my heart, a true animal lover. In fact I first encountered him at a fundraiser for the shelter where I volunteered on Saturdays. When I watched him sign sheet after sheet for the silent auction, I knew this was someone I wanted to meet. Turned out he could well afford those commitments given his role as senior partner in a top law firm. 

After I had made my own pledges, I’d stood at one of the cocktails tables with a glass of wine and small plate of hors d’oeuvres. When I saw him heading my way with his own glass and plate I smiled and sure enough he joined me. Conversation came easy with the topic of animals being an easy opening subject, and we had much to share on the issues that both of us did our best to support. We left with a dinner date for the coming Saturday evening. I think I walked on air to my car.

Within days we were a couple. Looking back I realize the first red flag actually appeared on our third date, which clearly I’d let fly right over my head. Since he’d twice taken me out for dinner, I’d invited him for dinner at my home. Along with steaks and Caesar salad I had made my never-fail, crowd pleasing, totally delectable, creamy, cheesy potato casserole. Midway into the meal I couldn’t bear it any longer and asked “Do you like the potatoes?” “Yeah, they’re OK,” he’d replied. I was a little crestfallen, but let it pass.

That was page one of a whole book filled with similar incidents throughout our ten years of marriage. It’s not that we didn’t get along because we did and had our share of happy times together. But Rory was just incapable of giving of himself. When I redecorated the family room, was promoted to chief editor of my section at the magazine, won a blue ribbon for my chili, and shallow as it sounds, even when I'd get really dressed up for an evening out, never a word of praise or support from him. And it wasn’t even so much that I needed that cheerleading as it was disappointment in his apparent need to withhold it.

But it didn’t go really bad until the saying nothing turned to saying something and the something wasn’t good. It got to where if anything fortunate happened for me, his immediate reaction was to take a verbal jab, minimize whatever it was, just puncture my balloon.

In a rare moment he'd told me about his cold, strict father, and that whatever he did was never enough for good ol’ dad. Maybe that's why it was easier to trust his emotions with animals.

But again came the question that had haunted me since the divorce - why didn’t I work harder to help him overcome that bad beginning. Work harder, hmmm. Didn’t do it for Bradley. Didn’t do it for Rory. Was something wrong with me?

Once home I called Lorelei. “I’m going,” I told her, “and this may be pie in the sky but I’d like to see if I can find some answers about Bradley, about me, maybe even about Rory.”

“Well best of luck with that, dear one. And I want to hear all about it, as your friend and confidant of course but then, ahhh, you know I'll steal it all for my next story.” I laughed as I hung up, thinking how one of the reasons I love her so much is her ability to inject a light moment at just the right time.

* * *

So here it is the day before New Year’s Eve and the commuter plane just touched down at our little hometown airport. In short order we’re in the terminal and Tanya is flying toward me at warp speed, then hugging me as if she’ll never let go. I have only carry-on so we head straight for the car with Tanya talking a mile a minute about her new husband, his job, his hobbies, how for now they’d be living with Matt, the party. And then in the middle of the parking lot she stops dead. “Oh my God Maris, I’m so sorry, I’m babbling like our little town brook. How are you? Was your flight OK? Are you OK?”

We both did our share of chattering all the way home. As we walked in, Matt came barreling down the hall and folded me into a big bear hug, and then holding me at arm’s length, “Well doggone, you’ve done nothing but get prettier. Now go on out to the back patio and say hi to Bradley. He’s mixing up some margaritas.” Here we go.

His back was to me as I went out the door. When he turned and saw me, a smile lit his face. “Bradley, I, I . . .” “Oh no, I know that look, whatever you were about to say, don’t. How about instead giving me a hug.” Still holding me he said, “It’s all OK. We’d gone to different places, and I don’t mean geographically, though I will say it took me a bit longer than you to realize it. And then we just weren’t right for each other.”

And I couldn’t help thinking, am I the only one wondering if we could be now? No magical responses popped up for either question.

Tanya’s Robbie arrived and I took an instant liking to this fine young man, relieved that this is who Tanya had chosen. Even early as it was in the game, they surely did seem right for each other.

With the margarita glow, satisfying dinner from the backyard grill, and lively conversation, the evening was enjoyed by all. But when I finally closed the door to the guest room, three intriguing, maybe even life-changing, thoughts swirled around in my head.

The first was that as much as I had enjoyed re-connecting with Bradley, as the evening had progressed I knew in my heart of hearts that we still weren’t right for each other, and I think he sensed this too. For extra confirmation, though Bradley also stayed the night there was no knock on my door. But the good news was that the past felt resolved and we could move forward with good thoughts for each other.

It was actually Bradley I had to thank for the second thought, for that pure and simple concept of not right for each other. Could that apply to Rory and me too? He had something rooted in childhood that he probably couldn’t help and I clearly didn’t have the wherewithal to help him. It’s not that we were bad people, just simply not a good match. No more second guessing there either.

The third thought wasn’t entirely new, more like a poke at a lingering sentiment that I’d long pushed to the sides of my gray matter. Maybe it was time to let it emerge a bit. Maybe it could explain why I didn’t miss Bradley after the move, why I couldn’t commit to helping Rory, why I was never able to give my heart fully to either one. But even after all these years I still wasn’t sure I was ready.

The next morning I asked if someone could take me to get ingredients for my potato casserole. While Tanya protested that I didn’t have to make anything, Bradley said he was going to pick up his kids and could drop me at the store and pick me up on the way back. We again had a nice chat, even more fun when the kids joined in.

The house was a-bustle all day with cooking, decorating, and pushing furniture around, Bradley, Tanya and I gabbing all the while. The patio was also set up with extra tables and chairs, and it struck me how nice it was to be able to spend winter days outdoors, as the song says, . . . in the warm California sun.

And then it was party time. When we were claiming seats for dinner, Matt beckoned to me and patted the chair next to him. “My kids have been monopolizing your time and we’ve hardly had a chance at all to catch up.” We chatted companionably much like old times and yet now adult to adult.

At one point he exclaimed, “My God these are the best potatoes I’ve ever tasted. I wonder who made them.” I looked at him and realized he really didn’t know. “I did,” I told him. “You did? Marry me, girl!” We all laughed at our table, and I think I might have blushed a bit.

As the sun was setting, and making quite a show of it, I was on the front porch swing and thinking how many times I’d been in this very spot throughout my adolescence. And that sent me back to that third thought, now closer to the surface and joining forces with the idea of right for each other.

I heard a voice say, “There you are,” and Matt settled in next to me. We sat in comfortable silence for a while as the sun disappeared but left the show behind. Then, “You know Maris, I'd always thought of you as my second daughter. So I have to say I actually shocked myself, even yelled at myself a little, for my reaction when I saw you come in the door and . . .”

I very tentatively laid my hand on his where it rested on the swing, “And what, Matt?” It was the first time I’d called him that.

“I mean could you even consider an old geezer like me?”

“You’re not really all that much older.”

“Are you saying . . . “

“I’m saying I’ve loved you all my life.” And there it was, out at last.

Everybody took it pretty well. Especially Tanya with a big "Yay!!!" Even Bradley, after going quite wide-eyed and blurting out, “Wait! You’ll . . . you’ll be my stepmom!!!” And it was a little weird to hear his kids say, "And our grandma. Cool!"

I’m so looking forward to being a real part of this family. And coming back to my hometown. And back to my heart’s true home.

And it looks like also a job at the bakery, bringing in savory offerings, potatoes - of course! - and more.

Lots to do in the days ahead. But right now one thing takes priority.

“Hello Lorelei . . . my dear friend, have I got a story for you.”

- end -