Mind Palace (Pt.2)

When did it start? When did it end? When should I have said, “let him decide,” and not back down? Or should I have known better? 

Another hit from the blunt. It's the third one and I receive another text from Reggie. 

R: Why do you even care, Dionna? Why do you put up with me?

Drunk again.

D: How much have you had this time? 

R: Not enough.

D: Drink water.

It's about thirty minutes before I receive a response. “I'm fine.” 

They usually are. It's the same thing once again. They’re quietly sitting down watching television or taking care of their children. Whatever they’re doing at this moment they’ve started drinking. Reggie is able to control their intake. The real problem is their thoughts that randomly appear in the head. Intrusive thoughts? Normally they talk about their situation or issues. Mostly I just listen, but once in a while they need a good splash of cold water to their face. A little bit of hard truth. It doesn't feel like that tonight. Just another long day.

R: Sorry.     

D: Want to talk about it tonight? 

Their response is quicker than usual. 

R: Tomorrow.

It’s not as bad as I thought if they go to bed tonight. If I receive another response in a few hours then I know there’s something wrong. At times like this I can only wonder if there could have been an alternate path. The saying, “It is, what it is,” comes crashing through my head. My only response, in my mind of course, is “It can change at any time.”

D: Love you Reggie.

R: Love you too.

The phone’s fully charged already expecting the ringtones sound to alarm. Knowing it'll be silent for the night I decide to stretch and begin a quick workout. With only a few minutes to myself and already my own intrusive thoughts are creeping into my mind. The one that seems to appear more and more is “what I should’ve known better.” The workout doesn't stop me from imagining the possibilities. Even the question, “If you could go back in time and change one thing...” The possibilities are always endless, and the consequences always seem to be even worse no matter the choice.

I close my eyes and reminisce. Going through my own version of a mind palace, shuffling books on fictitious shelves as though I'm deciding which one to read. Is it necessary to go through my books and reread something I already know? I do it outside my mind, might as well do it in my head. 

College, twenty years ago:

“You need to stop seeing him,” said Larry. “All you’re doing is hurting Reggie the longer you keep doing this. Why not just get to know-”

*Click* 

The pen is already on the books edge. I don’t change the wording on the pages, only adding a small entry. 

Go with your instincts next time. 

“-Jerry a little better?”

I should have known better back than. Why did I date Jerry? Was I really hurting Reggie?

The wind blows as I hear, “it is what it is,” whisper from behind. My expression shows something as though I had taken a swig of sour milk. 

That passage is just a reminder of three months of regret. Three months that I can only blame myself for not knowing better. Three long months. I close the book and slam my hand on the walnut hardwood desk. The fictitious pain is the reminder I give myself, until I recognize the table. It was a round table a moment ago. Almost filled the entire room with cut out section to walk in the middle. 

Damn you subconscious, I think to myself. In my own head.

Another book falls from the shelf. The table, back to being its usual circular design, as i walk into the middle.

College, fourteen years ago:

Dionna rings the doorbell. It’s past midnight. The outside lamp only shows a dim orange light over the doorway. Inside Dionna can see a redhead blonde with her feet on the table and paper and books spread out on the floor. 

“Megan? Or was it Maggie,” said Dionna.

Dionna knocked on the door. The woman flinched at the sound and walked to the door. She opened it.

“What do you need?”

Nice attitude, thought Dionna. “Megan, right?”

“Maggie.”

“Yeah, is Reggie here?”

Maggie gave an obvious look of disgust and confusion. “You know Reggie?”

Dionna gives a small smile. “Yeah, we’re friends.”

“Oh,” said Maggie. “Well he’s not-”

*Click*

I place my finger on my stopping point. 

Can’t remember the complete conversation. Attitude between us is easier to remember. 

“-here at the moment. Looks like you arrived for no reason.”

Dionna looks to the window. Reggie's bedroom, and can see the light from the television. “How about you go ask him if they’re actually available to talk, before you really upset them.” She smiles knowing that Maggie’s been caught red handed. Foot-handed? Barf.

Maggie tells Dionna to wait. She can see Maggie walk up the steps and then comes back down only seconds later. Dionna already knows Maggie didn’t check on Reggie even before she comes to the door. 

“He says he’s too tired to talk. Looks like you came for nothing.” Maggie said, giving a wry smile.

It could have been instinct or the hair rising on her back. Dionna knew that Maggie was lying through her teeth. One thing was certain. Dionna wanted to take her earrings out and scratch the bitches eyes out with her bare nails. One swing was all that came to mind. One good swing across that bitches-

“You good?” Maggie asked, taking a step back.

Dionna wanted to step through, and was nearly willing to figh-

*Click*

Should I have just entered? 

-t at Reggie's front door. But how would Reggie look at her? Starting a fight just because they wanted to see one another for a night. 

“Guess you’re right,” said Dionna, “I’ll just visit next time when they’re alone.”

The look upon Maggie's face of pure disgust made the entire trip almost worth just knowing how upset Maggie was. 

An hour into driving before Dionna received a text from Reggie.

R: Where are you? I thought we wanted to see each other? :/

D: You know Maggie?

R: Yeah, my classmate. We had fun once or twice. Their choice, not mind. 

D: They told me you were too tired. I’m already headed back.

R: What? I'm so sorry. I did take a nap earlier, but I swear I was waiting for you. Maggie was supposed to be gone already. 

D: Need me to come back?

R: I’ll handle it. See you next time?

D: Of course.

I close the book and toss it in the air. It lands on a high shelf. My imagination puts it in a colour codex this time. I should have always known. I should have known since day one, I should have known. Another book falls. Small, brown, and only a few pages in the book. Dionna opens the book as the words slowly form into a manga. The images move slightly in each frame.  

“That’s right,” said Dionna. “I have the actual video footage of this.”

College, twenty-one years ago:

“I will show you the fattest hand to ass slap in the world,” said McClure. “Come here Reggie.” She grabbed Reggie, bending him over and immediately began slapping his ass as fast as he could. Dionna sat in the car starting to feel uneasy about the entire situation. 

McClure just smiled as she tossed Reggie on the bed smiling. For a quick moment Dionna could swear that Reggie was looking at her. Wanting to get away. As Mc-

*Click*

Dumbass. You should have stepped in sooner.

-Clure slowly raised herself up as Reggie took the opportunity to roll of the bed laughing. Dionna reached out her hand and grabbed Reggie in close. He hugged back holding Dionna tight. 

“I got you,” said Dionna.

Reggie smiled, mouthing the word, thank you. They sat together the rest of the night occupying each other so that no one else would bother them. It became a long and loving night once they left the group, together. 

I placed the book on the table and closed my eyes. I opened my eyes and looked to the nearest shelf. The leather book is in a glass case next to several of my favourite books of literature. One is a manga named after a detergent. There are a few others, but none as important. I need to stop taking this one out of its case.

A grab another random book. This one's actually based on a book I’ve read. That only tells me it’s time to leave the palace. Someone once asked me, “Why do we remember our past if it hurts so much?” I may never have the answer to that question, but I will never wish to forget my past.

My eyes open as I inhale the last bit of the blunt. I hold my breath as my phone buzzes.

R: Soooo tired. But I needed that nap. Wyd? 

I laugh thinking how he still acts the same sometimes. I really should have known better. The wind suddenly blows through the room and for a moment i hear “it is what it is” clear as day.

D: Going to pack a bowl and watch some bright cartoons. 

R: I think i'll do the same. Kids asleep. I could use one too. 

I can’t believe how long it took me to realize what I should have already known. Sometimes I wonder if I really answer my own questions. I should've known better.