BEAN'S CUPPA

Bean comes home in his vintage car, opens the door, finds old Julia in her sofa patting the cat. Bean shuffles upstairs.

BEAN: I’m going to make myself a hot cuppa.

He searches in the shelf overhead for a pot. The cat has been following Bean. Bean wants to select the pot and as he examines what he has, the cat jumps up and pushes a pot down. Pot crashes breaking into pieces with a loud noise as Bean chases the cat out.

BEAN: The darn cat!

Julia is furious. She looks up and shouts.

JULIA: Bean what was that noise? What did you break this time?

BEAN: An old teapot. It had a crack in it.

Bean stoops, gathers the pieces of the broken pot and stows it in a waste container. He then chooses another pot and dusts it. An insect flies out.

BEAN: I’ve to clean this pot. Could contain cobwebs.

He holds the pot beneath the faucet and opens it. There is no water flowing out. He taps it and tries, but no water.

He has a flash: “My neighbour Scott can do plumbing jobs. I’ll call him”

BEAN: Scott, I’ve a water problem. No water from faucet. Could you help?”

Scott in pyjama suit enters carrying a tool kit. He fiddles with the faucet and pipe.

SCOTT: I think it has to do with the overhead tank.

BEAN: We can go up to the roof.

Scott carrying a large spanner goes up with Bean. They disturb roosting birds which fly out chattering.

SCOTT: Bean I need a ladder to look into the tank.

Bean goes down and returns with a portable ladder. Scott climbs and inspects.

SCOTT: No water. Bone dry. We need to look at the sump.

Scott and Bean go down below floor level. Rats scurry along pipelines.

SCOTT: I need the torch to check. It’s in my tool kit.

Bean: I’ll get it.

Bean comes down with the torch. Scott inspects.

SCOTT: Bean, the sump is almost full. Let me check the pump motor.

Scott switches on the motor momentarily and puts it off.

SCOTT: The pump and motor are perfectly okay. The water should be pumped automatically. If water isn’t flowing up, the pipeline needs checking. I can only do surface jobs. You need to call a regular plumber.

Bean refers his phone.

BEAN: Jiggs is my regular man but he needs two day’s notice to visit.

Scott refers his phone.

SCOTT: Bean, there is Lopez who attends urgent calls. Let’s try him.

Scott calls Lopez and speaks.

SCOTT: Bad luck Bean. Lopez has gone on honeymoon to Italy. His nephew answered.

BEAN: The internet has plumbers registered. Let me try.

SCOTT: Just wait a moment. There’s an Indian guy who attends urgent calls. He has a funny name but it has stuck. It is Jag Dish. I’ll call him.

Scott speaks to Jag Dish.

SCOTT: Bean, Jag Dish is sending his man immediately.

A very tall man with a dressed beard and a large turban enters with a tool box.

TALL MAN: I’m Cheema sent by Jag Dish.

BEAN : Cheema, there’s water in the sump no doubt but......    

CHEEMA: I’ve no time. Say your problem and I’ll right it.

SCOTT: Let us go down to the basement,

The 3 go down to the sump.

Cheema inspects.

CHEEMA: Water in sump. Pump motor working but water not going to roof. I’ll study problem in detail.

BEAN: Do it. Repair must be fast.

CHEEMA: Sure. Only we charge double for urgent work.

Bean nods. Cheema unpacks his tool kit.

CHEEMA: I’ll start checking  the sump here and Bean’s line.

Cheema switches on the pump and kicks the pipe. Water starts flowing upwards to Bean’s condo.

CHEEMA: Problem sorted out.

Cheema packs his tools and holds out his hand for the fees.

Bean gives money.

CHEEMA: Double charge for express service.

Bean gives more money.

CHEEMA: You must pay for the rectification as well.

Again Bean pays and Cheema leaves.

 Bean and Scott are back in Bean’s apartment.

BEAN: Scott sit down. I’ll give you a cuppa.

SCOTT: Sorry Bean. You know I work nights and must study during daytime for facing exams. Bye for now!

Scott exits. Bean stands wondering where he had cut off tea preparation when door bell sounds. He opens the door and Irma enters.

BEAN: Come in Irma. Just in time for a cuppa.

IRMA: That will be fine. (Checks watch) Bean, this is Feng Li’s kitchen hour. The Chinaman’s food  preparations are delectable. I’ll watch the TV program while you make tea.

BEAN: Sure.

Bean sets the pot to boil. He searches for the tea container on the shelf. It isn’t there. He opens the fridge where he finds the tea container. Bean stares at the label.

BEAN: Earl! Don’t be a nobleman recluse. Make us an excellent brew!

As he pours the tea flakes out of the container the cat jumps down from behind and the tea spills on the ground.

Bean: Darn the cat! At least I’m left with tea for two cups at least.

The door bell rings. Irma opens. She comes back to Bean.

IRMA: Bean there is a man who has come to collect an instalment of premium overdue on your insurance policy.

BEAN: Yes. I had forgotten. I’ll issue the check in a moment.

Bean closes the oven writes the check and issues it. He has just closed the door when there is again a man at the door.

 MAN: I’m Peter Gynt from our church choir. Father Gabriel wants to consult you about conducting a collection drive for Sisters of Charity. When would it be convenient?”

BEAN: Please tell Father Gabriel that I’ll come to the church Sunday next and talk to him.

GYNT: May I seek one more minute of your time? “

BEAN: Not more than that,

GYNT: The furniture company told us you were planning to replace your sofa set. I work for Easypay financiers. The payment could be easily arranged.

BEAN: Thank you. I’m busy now.

GYNT: When can I remind you?”

BEAN: Not this year!

Bean slams door shut.

Bean has prepared the tea and carrying the 2 cups on a tray joins Irma.

IRMA: I’ll have 2 cubes of sugar.

BEAN: Sorry I’m out of stock of sugar cubes. I have brought you confectionary sugar instead.

IRMA : That’s fine. I’ll take two spoons.

She stirs the tea with the spoon and takes a sip.

IRMA: Bean, this isn’t sugar. It’s salt.

BEAM: I’m sorry Irma. I’ve no more tea. That darn cat has spilt it all.

IRMA: Don’t worry. Let us drive down to the tea salon.

Bean and Irma are seated outside the tea salon happily sipping tea.

END

(This farce is based on the cartoon series MR.BEAN)