‘L’

The moment they couldn’t see or hear me even when I yelled, I knew...

I knew that the truck that hit me was final...

Even though I was a safe driver it didn’t mean everyone else was...

That a curve that should have been a warning to slow down and pay attention was ignored by someone who shouldn’t have been driving anything, let alone a big rig. 

It was like waking up for the first time. My eyes peeled open but not in an intense way but more like a veil lifting to show me the light. I knew I should have been cold because of the snow on the ground but I felt nothing but fear.

What did I lose? I kept thinking I lost something important...

When I went looking for it, I realized that I had lost my body. To sum it up, I died...but my soul, my spirit was still here. Here to roam this corner of upstate New York. 

Luckily, I’ve always loved the state where I was born. Even though, my parents used to beg me to move back each holiday. 

My dad would say, “Laura, Florida isn’t the place where we want future grand children to be raised, because we won’t be able to see them as often. There are plenty of nice men, right around here, ready and willing to settle down.” 

To avoid further discussion on the matter I would change the subject. 

Truth is now, that didn’t matter. 

I have been in limbo as a spirit, or ghost as some may choose to call it, for quite awhile. If I had to guess, not quite a year but close. Considering, my parents put their Halloween decorations up, and there were trick or treaters out tonight. 

Watching over them might be my purpose. Being a ghost seems like it would be really easy, you just float and hang around but it’s not that simple. When you die and come back as I did, you have this overwhelming urge to do something important. Problem is, I just can’t figure out what that is. 

Sometimes I leave. I don’t know where I go, I just forget and drift for long periods of time. It’s like I’m loosing myself more. Like I have a time limit. A clock running and it’s about to ring an alarm. But the alarm feels like it’s going to make me just a floating mist with no thoughts and no feelings. 

So for the past week or so I have felt more of an urgency. What is it that I’m missing? Shouldn’t I have a purpose? 

~~~~~~~~

Today, the day of All Hallows’ eve, I need to focus. Since I came back, I haven’t even been in my old room. Assuming my parents even left it like it was all this time. 

A feeling of dread came over me of missing my past life. Seeing what I could no longer have. So I haven’t gone to visit what made me...well...me. 

Tonight will change that though, I have to. I need those memories to give me strength so I stop fading. My purpose needs to be fulfilled, or it will all have been for nothing. 

~~~~~~~~

My room was dark. The sun was setting on the other side of the house. I remember this side always got the sunrise to wake me up for school but was dark for the moon and stars earlier. Everything was just as I left it with added boxes stacked in the corner by the closet. I assume they brought my stuff from my condo in Florida. 

Before I could remember about why I was in the room in the first place because my focus was spotty, the lights flashed on. A woman shaped figure appeared in the door. Contrary to popular belief ghosts can be blinded by sudden light as well. Lasting only seconds but long enough to not know who was standing there until she was sitting on the bed. 

I just felt the sudden push through my phantom body, as I did when someone walked though me. 

Once I recovered, my mother sat on the bed pulling at the sides of her sweater as if she got a chill. Tears streamed down her face as she sat there, unknowing that her daughter was merely a foot away staring at her. I reached out but dropped my hand in realization that she would never feel my need to comfort her in her grief. 

As my father walked in, I tried desperately to move out of his way to avoid him making me dissipate again. Just so I could keep it together long enough to know what to do. 

“It does no good to sit in here all by yourself, my love.” He spoke. 

I loved the sound of their voices. It was like music to ghosts ears to hear something other than the almost static like mumble that we carried with us everywhere we went. 

“I know but I just wish she would wake up. I miss her so much. And it has almost been a year, you know what the doctor said, too much longer and all hope could be lost.” My mother said between sobs.

It took a minute to realize that she was talking about me. But I’m dead...doesn’t she know that by now?

“Yes, but it’s a coma, she will wake up when she’s ready. That was such a terrible accident, she has had a lot of healing to do.” He finally said after a long pause.

Without saying another word they both stood up, shut the light off and closed the door. Leaving me in the room alone with my thoughts. How could this be. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m dead and just a spirit here for a reason. Then once that purpose is fulfilled then I can move on. 

I never imagined that I was just in a coma. But where do I go, when I fade out? This must be some kind of mistake. It’s probably a way for my mom to cope with losing me...

But I have to be sure...

~~~~~~~~

The way to the closest hospital wasn’t hard to find. I’ve been there several times before, when I was alive. Whether it was for broken bones, family members, my parents etc. They had a skilled nursing building attached, my body is probably there. I knew the way but I had to float through town passed all the people. 

Being a spirit, means you are this unstable floating mist that is actually rather fragile when you think about it. I’ve had my energy and focus thrown off by something as simple as an animal or a light being turned on. So being around many people out on Halloween night may prove to be difficult. 

~~~~~~~~

Once I reached town I tried to dodge people so they didn’t make me dissipate by stepping through me. The crowd was loud, with kids still trick or treating and parents chatting on the sidewalks. To stay focused, I just tried to remember what I looked like, and kept saying my name. 

When I reached the corner to turn onto Clover street which led straight to the hospital, I thought the crowds were over and I was safe. Until an entire group stepped right through me, continuously walking through my floating pieces of mist. 

~~~~~~~~

Where was I going?

What was my purpose? 

My mind felt like a scrambled egg, my memory was jumbled. 

What was I doing? 

People were walking around in costumes. It must be Halloween...that’s right. 

Wandering around, I noticed a teen child in a ghost costume. He waited patiently behind a bush to jump out and scare two little kids. They screamed, cried and he laughed. 

Is this what I’m meant to do? Scare people? 

I waited patiently for that same teen to hide in another bush. Then I went up behind him and snatched his bucket of candy. Making it float through the air. 

Just when I dropped it and when he bent to pick it up I told him in my whispery ghost voice right next to his ear, “Bad boys don’t get candy, they get haunted by ghosts.” 

It took a lot of energy to do all that but it did scare him. He screamed, cried and ran into a crowd saying “Ghost!”

Crying...

Sadness...

Mom...Dad...Laura...

Me...I’m Laura...I was going to the hospital.

~~~~~~~~

Being careful and quick I maneuvered back through town to the hospital. Finding my room wasn’t hard, I felt a pull as soon as I went into the building. 

Seeing myself lie there was so surreal. I almost forgot what I looked like. My light brown curly hair and pale skin, looked odd without my blue eyes open. You grow so used to seeing yourself a certain way. I never imagined that my body would be something I would see from the outside.

They had tubes hooked up to me and monitors going. My heartbeat was slow and steady at first but the longer I stood there the monitor started to make a loud beeping noise as the heart rate increased. Hovering over my body I felt the magnetic pull even more. 

How do I get back in? How do I wake up and become me again? I tired to just fall right into my body but I went through and under the bed. 

Why am I like this? I thought I was dead but maybe I’m only half dead. 

Frustrated, I just floated in the corner. Waiting until an idea came. I watched as a doctor came in. A couple of nurses. Then someone who I never expected. 

The love of my teenage life. When we were in high school we were inseparable as best friends since our freshman year. Finally, our senior year on our last day we kissed. We spent one month together in utter teenage bliss. Madly in love, both eighteen, sneaking around to make what we thought was love. 

Until, he went to his grandparents with his family on vacation. His parents decided to ultimately move down there. Phillip is his name. I remember when he told me, I was so upset. 

With me going off to collage and him planning on online schooling, I thought we could just move in together. He wasn’t ready and I said no to a long distance relationship as I couldn’t stand being that far away. Phillip called me immature and that was that. We haven’t spoken since. 

I’ve always thought of how I would have redone that phone call. He was right, I was immature. We weren’t ready to live together. I would have just said yes to a long distance relationship because it could have worked. My heart has always been his. That’s why I’ve never found anyone else. 

However, he doesn’t know how I really feel. So why is he sitting by my bedside and bringing me flowers. Observing this decade older version of Phillip, I noticed that he had no wedding ring, and tears in his eyes. As he stared at me, I stared at him, albeit from a different perspective. 

His crew cut black hair that he let grow out a little on the top, sad brown eyes and somber expression made me want to just reach out. I just wanted to see that smile of his again. I’ve missed him so much and now I am this. Just a floating spirit yearning to be in my body again. 

No matter how much I wanted to touch him, I kept my distance as he finally spoke. 

“Oh Laura, I wish I could have told you how I felt long ago. I was just a stubborn kid with a lot to learn about love.” 

Phillip grabbed my hand (well my body’s hand)...which sent a tingling feeling through my misted hand. That means there’s still a connection. There’s still hope. 

“You were right, I should have just been brave and moved in together. Anything so we weren’t apart. I love you. Even if I’m not sure you can hear me right now, I needed to tell you that my heart has been yours all these years. I couldn’t let you die without telling you.”

He rubbed his tear streaked face and continued, “Your parents still talk to mine every so often. But when mom hadn’t heard from your parents in the past year, she worried and called them. Once they told her what happened, word got to me and well...here I am.” 

Phillip stood up, leaned over the bed and kissed my body’s forehead. “I will always love you, L. I’ll be back tomorrow with your parents for the doctor checkup.” 

I tired to say his name as he turned to walk out the door but I knew he wouldn’t hear me. Instead, I put my cold misted hand on his shoulder. But he didn’t stop. In fear and utter desire to be a whole me again, I slammed my fists into a table at the end of my bed. My hands dissipated but somehow made the table roll a couple feet towards the door. 

Phillip looked back, almost as if to look at the spirit version of me. But probably assuming it was just his imagination, he walked out of the room. 

My heart would have a sinking feeling if I could feel it right now. How do I go back? In my anger I started to feel a pull. Not like what directed me to my body’s location but more like when I disappear for periods of time and I can’t remember where I go. More panic only made it worse as I didn’t want to leave. I needed to be here figuring this out, not disappearing. 

Nothing helped, I watched my misted hands fad as I felt completely hopeless. 

~~~~~~~~

When I came back I was disoriented until I saw myself lying in the hospital bed. My reasoning for being here all came back. I was lucky to come back where I wanted and now I have to make sure I can wake up so I don’t disappear ever again. 

Soon, I noticed that I wasn’t alone. My Mom, Dad and Phillip were all sitting on either side of my bed. Everyone was crying. It almost looked like a funeral instead of a visit. 

My dad was the first to speak, “Maybe the doctor is right.” He let the sentence hang there for a few seconds. 

“Maybe we should, let her rest. It’s been almost a year and there has been no signs that she will come back to us.”

It looked like Phillip was about to say something but he closed his mouth and looked back down at my body’s hand. 

“I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem right. I feel like she is still our little girl. Like she is still here with us.” My mom argued. 

Not another word was spoken for awhile until Phillip. “This doesn’t have to be decided today, right? So let’s just leave and talk it through. It doesn’t feel right talking about something like this here.” 

They all walked out and left me staring at my lifeless body. ‘I’m right here! Damn you! I’m right here, let me in!’ I said to myself. 

The day faded as I floated around the room (my form of pacing in this state). A full moon shined in through the window of the dimly lit room. I feel like tonight is my last chance. 

What is missing? The more I thought, the more I panicked. Then the feeling of the pull started to come again. Where I would disappear. 

Part of me wanted to fight it but I also felt an overwhelming feeling of knowing. I am selfish, I realized. Having watched my family for months, I’ve realized that they will be ok without me. 

My love for them is enough that I don’t want them to have to see me in this state anymore. They need closure and so do I. There are no words to describe how grateful I am that I got to see Phillip one last time. I am also grateful to have had almost three decades to be loved the way that I have.

So instead of fighting it I will let this pull take me and what ever happens will happen. I will accept it. I know now that my purpose was to love and be loved, nothing more. There was nothing to do but realize that I lived a wonderful life. If this is my fate, then I accept it. 

~~~~~~~~

It was like waking up for the first time...

My eyes peeled open but only slightly, the light in the room felt blinding...

I heard voices, almost like they were surrounding me...

It took forever to open my eyes all the way but when I finally did, I realized that I was in a bed at the hospital. I don’t know how but I did it! I actually woke up. It felt false though, like it was a dream. 

Not the spirit part but the being back in my own body part. Phillip, mom and dad stood around me. 

“There she is.” Dad said. “It’s about time, we’ve waited so long for you to just open those blues.”

I couldn’t speak. My throat wouldn’t let anything come out. But Philip caught my gaze and leaned down speaking gently in my ear. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to speak yet L, but just know that we all love you and will be here when you’re ready too.” Then he kissed my forehead. 

He’s right one step at a time. 

Knowing that I have this kind of love in my life is enough.