D.D.'s Denial

Denial has always been a part of D.D.’s life. It all started when his grandmother passed away from a long battle with tuberculosis. For many years, his grandmother has been in and out of hospitals battling this retched disease. However, it was the times when he was out of the hospital that D.D. enjoyed the time with his grandmother in a beautiful house outside of Burton, Michigan, swimming in the pool, running around in the huge backyard, or playing with the other children next door. His unique relationship with his grandmother lasted throughout his life, even after D.D. joined the Navy in 1985.

The day his division officer, a young U.S. Marine Lieutenant, pulled D.D. into the conference room in 1987 while he was stationed in Panama to tell him the bad news, D.D. thought he was in trouble again, which was the morning of his days as a young navy sailor. Was it that he forgot to wear his socks with the uniform? Was it the wrong color of socks? Was it that he was late to an event? Or was it that he purposely forgot to go to his scheduled medical appointment on his day off? A day that he would rather sleep than go to get a routine checkup. No, this is different; with a sad voice, the lieutenant told D.D. that his grandmother passed away and that the family wanted him to come home.

His grandmother’s death was the first death of any kind that D.D. had to deal with, especially from a close family member. Yes, his Aunt Mary passed away several years earlier, but they were not close. It was hard to believe that such an event was taking place, especially when the last time he saw his grandmother was back Christmas of the previous year. D.D. was very familiar with the illness and what it can do to a person, but he never thought it would ever take her grandmother away. 

The second denial was when his grandfather passed away back in the early 1990s when D.D. was stationed in Norfolk riding ships for a living after his tour ended in Panama. It was somewhat expected that his grandfather didn’t have much time left. In 1989, two years after his grandmother passed away, his grandfather told him about the news about his large aorta when he was vacationing in Tampa after his adventure in Panama. D.D. was preparing to go to an Army school to learn how to chase dits and dahs, or Morse code school in Massachusetts. 

Luckily for D.D., his grandfather did not get sick while stationed in Adak, Alaska, building snow castles, chasing caribou, or ice fishing for two years. However, his grandfather started to get ill when he got back from Alaska in 1992 and was getting ready to go to Norfolk. When he visited his family in Florida for Christmas a few months before his grandfather passed away, D.D.’s mother said they should spend quality time together because this could be the last Christmas. Even though those words were in D.D.’s head, there was no reaction or emotion; it was just a phrase in his head until the phone call later the following year, telling him to come home and say her goodbyes. 

After D.D.’s tour in Norfolk, he returned to Panama for another three years to help turn over the canal. In early 1999, D.D. departed Panama and returned to Norfolk to become part of the USS Oscar Austin’s pre-commissioning crew, a brand-new Arleigh Burke destroyer. However, before arriving in Norfolk, DD had to spend a year in Bath, Maine, waiting for the ship to be built by Bath Iron Works. 

Being part of the pre-commissioning crew is an honor and a privilege. Pre-commissioning a new vessel is when the Navy will pick out the best to go to a brand-new vessel to get her ready for sail. During this time, the crew will make sure all the systems are running the way they are supposed to, verify that all of the policies, procedures, and documentation are up to standards and that all of the crew is trained on any of the new systems and mentor those who have never been out to sea. The whole process takes about 12-18 months. 

After sailing from Bath, Maine, onboard a brand-new ship, D.D. and the crew of the Oscar Austin went to Norfolk, their new home, to get ready for the commissioning ceremony. The commissioning ceremony of a U.S. Navy vessel is a very special event not only for the sailors but also for their families. It is tradition to show the people attending the ceremony and the world the U.S. Navy’s brand-new ship. 

It was also a special time for D.D. because his dad, sister, and brother-in-law could attend the ceremony. They arrived a couple of days before, and D.D. was able to give them a tour of the base and the ship. It was an experience of a lifetime for the family. 

For a year after the ceremony, the crew takes the ship out for a shakedown period. This is where all equipment and systems are tested to their fullest extent, from engineering to weapons to operations. After the shakedown period, the ship goes to dry dock for three to six months. In the dry dock period, everything that breaks gets fixed. 

While in dry dock, D.D. received the tragic news that his dad passed away due to a major heart attack. The doctors diagnosed an enlarged heart, which exploded on a Tuesday afternoon in the first part of June 2021. D.D. did not hear the terrible news until the next day because he was on duty at the shipyard the day that his father passed away. After receiving the news, D.D. jumped on a plane and headed up north to say goodbye to her dad. 

The most recent denial was the news that D.D.’s friend from the Navy and as a Government contractor suddenly passed away while at home in Texas. J.J. met D.D. back in 1999 while D.D. was attending technical training at a school in Florida to learn how to operate a new communications system. 

Most sailors who are transiting from one duty station to the next will attend navy schools, also known as “C” schools, to learn about any new technologies or systems they will face upon arrival at the new duty station. Typically, most “C” schools will last between two weeks to two to three months. Most schools are in the major navy hubs, such as Norfolk or San Diego. However, there are schools that are located all over the country such as Indiana, New Jersey, and Florida. 

Teaching sailors these new technologies is the responsibility of navy instructors, who are Subject Matter Experts. These navy instructors will serve at least three years at the school, but all three years will not be on the podium teaching. Before getting the privilege to instruct, each instructor must undergo vigorous training to become the Navy’s elite on the podium. Not only do they need to know everything they will teach, like the back of their hands, but they must also know how to present themselves to Navy students. The instructor training usually lasts two to four weeks, followed by a one to two-month side saddle with an experienced instructor teaching lessons from the podium. 

When D.D. met J.J., he had already gone through the training and taught several classes. However, he would not be teaching the class because he had just finished the previous class. After finishing a class, the instructor takes a break from the podium. This is when they can take vacation, complete training, or help with the instruction, such as updating the curriculum. 

On the first day of class, D.D. learned that he must attend direct support training before learning about the new communication system. The only problem is that he had already taken the same class three years previously. The other problem was that he could not go directly to the new communications class because all the seats were full of students. He had to wait for his class. Upon hearing this, J.J. took D.D. to the side and told him he knew about his situation. However, he would need to attend school in the mornings and the afternoon and schedule some “appointments” to go to “wink wink.” D.D. got the message and participated in the course in the mornings, asking easy questions to the instructors, helping out the other students, and acing his exams. In the afternoons, he would go to his appointments “wink wink.” 

After departing the class, D.D. did not see J.J. until he and his new team were in Bath, Maine, attending the Christening ceremony of their new ship, “USS Howard.” They will hit the champagne bottle against the whole ship during the christening ceremony, watch it break, put the vessel into the water, and pray it does not sink. They were there a few days before J.J. and his team departed for San Diego for pre-commissioning training. 

A few years later, D.D. retired from the Navy and started to work as a contractor in Charleston, SC, doing the same thing he did in the Navy but as a civilian. One of his jobs was to go to different ships in the Norfolk and San Diego regions to teach them about the new communications systems. On one of the trips to San Diego, D.D. ran into J.J. J.J. was a chief on the ship D.D. was going to. After chit-chatting for a bit, J.J. told D.D. that he was getting ready to retire and needed to find something to do. D.D. recommended being a government contractor doing the same thing as he did. A couple of months later, J.J. was part of the contracting crew working with D.D., teaching sailors the ways of the new communication system. 

This teamwork lasted a few years until D.D. left to finish school and earn his Doctorate, and J.J. went to Saudi Arabia for a couple of years. They saw each other a couple of times after the government contracting days, but slowly, they started to lose contracts. 

One Saturday evening about a year and a half ago, D.D. was in the office working on a project for the Doctorate when his wife walked in and said, “Would somebody ever joke about someone dying on Facebook?” I said, “No, that would be cruel. “That is when he pointed to the picture of J.J. that I had and said that he had just passed away,” I said that was no way and jumped on Facebook to find out what happened. There it was, an announcement from his wife that he passed away the previous day and a memorial would take place at the local base where he was living. 

So why is there so much denial in D.D.’s life? Could it be that each of the close family members and friends passed away months or years after D.D. saw them for the last time? Did D.D.’s block it out of his memory? Which he is famous for doing. Don’t dwell on the bad things; just put it in the box and throw it in the ocean. There have been several times that D.D. has had dreams about every one of them. In each dream, they are alive and well, joking around and having a good time. 

Whatever it is, being in denial and refusing to accept to acknowledge a painful or unpleasant reality has kept D.D. from going through the grieving stages after all of these years. Maybe one day, it will happen. Maybe the writing will help the process, however, until then.