No more PTSD episodes...

"Are you coming tonight?" asked Tony. "I will if you want me there, I will come" Brandy nonchalantly said. Tony was hesitant to answer, or else he was fixed on watching the boxing match. Either way, I didn't like being a third wheel. "Tony.......Tony do you want me to come tonight?" Oh I was starting to get annoyed. Why would someone ask you a question, and ignore the answer. Oh that gets me, if he asked me- you be sure that I better answer, if he asked me that question. And Ton doesn't wait around for anyone. Well, all that one way street stuff is about to change. I'm not going to make it change, oh no that would not do at all. But my momma always said, "Sugar, you gonna get more flies with a dab of honey, than a wallop of vinegar." Momma was right, and I am going to dab that honey all over and get me a mess of flies. Well, maybe I didn't want flies- but I definitely wanted to dab my honey all over and just see what I got. So I quickly changed my m.o. with Tony. I snuggled right up to him and said in a really sweet and low voice, "Tony, darling I will do whatever you want me to." I had half a smile, and a dead stare right into those big brown eyes of his. Tony blushed, not that I could see it under his black skin, but I could tell by his body language he was a little embarrassed. He was definitely intrigued. He was such a strange creature when it came to me trying to guess his next move. He likes to control every aspect of his life, of which I don't blame him. It's just that a few times I have responded in ways that he had not expected and he graciously accommodated circumstances to meet my needs, looks like it's my turn to graciously accommodate him.. I will definitely try, but I don't have a game in my head that I'm playing so I don't need aqcuire certain peices to feel like I have won. I don't need an alignment of events to happen to feel like something is being accomplished. Obviously I do, or I would accomplish something. What am I waiting on? I guess I am waiting for things to fall in alignment. I guess I am like him. We are both human beings that are very accomplished, waiting for things to fall in alignment before we make our moves. It seems like past losses are having an affect on my current outlook towards potential future gains. Well the peices are not in alignment, (as far as I can see,) but I need to make a move. How will the peices of my life ever move into alignment if I fail to move them? Is this what a breakthrough feels like for PTSD survivors? That's where I come in. I am a trauma survivor. You see I met Brandon about 4 years ago. Oh my, what a friend he was to me. I was going through a mess, the loss of a loved one, and I finally found the strength and ability to divorce the scumbag who trapped me in an abusive marriage for 10 years. Tony encouraged me to spread my wings again; he made me feel so good about myself again that I became confident in myself again. He helped me find myself again. He helped me love myself again, instead of loathing myself. I knew the good Lord supported me, but a man. No way, I couldn't believe that, oh I tested this man, on purpose, and subconsciously I think. His values seemed different than mine from a far, but once I got to know him up close and personal; our values were both based on the truth. He believed in the word of God, which gave him quite a twinkle in my eye, and he lived by the word of God. He was the type of man that makes a woman want to dab her honey everywhere around him. Now in saying honey, I simply mean sweetness: and nothing more. I just mean that he's really the type of man a woman would enjoy being nice too. It's a good thing, because the marriage and divorce I'd been through didn't make me want to be good to men at all. I could go on an on about the different affairs I had discovered with my ex-husband, or attest to the drug and alcohol that ruined my dreams of having a picture perfect family. But I don't care about all that, Tony supported me in my therapy, and he even assisted in helping me find provisions to support my divorce, and then he put me up in an apartment until I could save money to move out on my own. Well, it's getting close to that time and I made a move. I have asked for my old job back, I had to quit due to the amount of physical stress that I had put on my body in order to keep it. I feel like I need to make this next move. However scary it feels, I will have to find my own apartment away from Tony. You see, I don't think he will stay here that long once I move out. He told me if it weren't for me that he would have already moved. Tony never liked to stay in one place for to long, he told me. Anyways, it's my turn to make a move. Tony has helped me so much more than I could have ever dreamed. I looked for Tony when I moved here, but I didn't know it was Tony. You see I felt that God would surely send me a helper. A helper more tangible than the mighty Holy Spirit God sent us. I got help from the Holy Spiritas he embodied so many different servants. I received help from His church, and the Lord sent me counselors and therapist all along the way too. But right now I feel like I have learned so much from Tony and things are falling in place again. My life is coming together again. Certainly I will be able to find a perfect apartment that is close to my job. Next I will find a new church home, and if Tony doesn't move, he will remain in my life. Who knows we may take things to a better level. I am so excited. This level might include new friends, a church home, and a different kind of friendship with Tony. Roman's 8:28 All things happen for the good of those who love the Lord, and are called according to his purpose and plan. That's scripture, the infoullable word of God. I am going by that, I will go back to work this Friday & I will accumulate the money in order to relocate near my work. It's going to be great, I love the company that I work for, and my friends are there too. No more PTSD episodes.