Turned Inward

“Are you coming tonight?”

I stared out the window, not quite knowing how to answer that question. I really liked the idea of getting together with a couple of my classmates. It’d been many years since I’d seen most of them. 

But there were others that would probably be there that I could care less about. The idea of perpetuating the pretense of being a social butterfly was simply not appealing after I’d just spent a full day promoting my latest work. My energy was drained. I wanted nothing more than a good book and zero social interaction.

Jackie would never accept no for an answer, though. Not without a fight anyway. I was pretty sure of that.

“Donna?”

“I think I just need to stay in tonight. I’m developing a headache.”

“That’s a crap excuse and you know it! I’m coming over. I’ll bring clothes, and we’ll get all dressed up and go together.”

Before I could reply, my phone screen went blank.

I loved my best friend beyond words. I had to admit that I’d missed her and I always had a good time when the two of us went out on the town. But at that moment, I couldn’t summon the energy to get out of my super-comfy armchair to grab a drink from the frig, let alone find enough to go out in public.  That would mean changing clothes, doing my hair, turning myself inside out just to pretend to care about people who had often snubbed me on a daily basis.

It would also probably mean seeing Steven. Jackie said he never missed the monthly class get-togethers. He’d also never missed a chance to laugh at me. Long-suppressed memories bubbled to the surface.

In elementary school, he called me “four eyes” because I’d worn glasses since I was three years old. Junior high, he moved on to “fuzz head” in honor of the curly hair I fought to control on a daily basis. During junior year in high school, he’d done a complete 180. He’d reeled me in with compliments and something I mistook for genuine interest.  He’d finally asked me out, and I was over the moon happy to be seen in public with such a popular guy.

During the date, all he wanted to talk about was Jackie. He wanted to know everything about her, but I’d paid no attention to that red flag when he wanted to make out in his car in my driveway. 

He was a great kisser. His attention made me feel noticed and special. And I really hoped he’d ask me out again. Finally, my status would be elevated.

As I was getting out of the car, he asked if I could get him a date with Jackie.  I stared at him and tears stung my eyes. But I refused to let him see how humiliated I felt. So I slammed the car door and almost ran into the house.

I didn’t really date after Steven. Being friends with a drop-dead gorgeous female that every guy wanted - some because her folks had money, some because she was so pretty, some because they just thought she was easy - certainly had its drawbacks. And one of them was that after Steven, I never quite trusted a guy to be interested in me and not her.

I’d convinced myself that I was fat and ugly and undesirable after that. I pretty much kept to myself and focused on my studies. My art was my escape. I’d spent many hours creating canvases that took my mind away from my failures. College in New York City gave me the freedom to pursue my art career and put Steven and everyone else here in my rear-view mirror.

It took years away from that environment and hours on the counselor’s couch to put all that behind me. I’d learned to live comfortably in the world away from my demons. And I’d become a world-renowned artist in the process.

But I’m still an introvert even when the social anxiety is under control. 

And I hadn't been on a single date in New York City.

Caring for my ailing mother necessitated moving back to my hometown after my career had taken me to the big city. I was successful there, but I’d decided I could be successful in a studio here also. 

Jackie’s impatient rapping on my door reminded me of Sheldon Cooper, forcing me to get up and let her in.

“Hey, girlfriend!” Her sunshine aura surrounded her as she pushed past me and into my living room. “You need to get dressed. You can’t go out looking like that.”

Patiently, I closed the door behind her.

“I told you I’m not going. I don’t know why you came over here.”

“Donna.” Her face fell and I almost felt sorry for her.

“Jackie. The social scene is not my jam. I dislike big groups of people. And I especially dislike this group of people.”

“But they’re our classmates. You know them all. And they’d love to see you again.”

“It’s because I know them that I do not want to spend my evening with them.”

Jackie flung herself onto my couch and stuck out her bottom lip. She let out a deep sigh, accompanied by an overly dramatic shrug of her shoulders. Her head hung in defeated resignation.

“Please don’t pout, Jackie. You know I can’t resist when you pout.”

First, her lip projected even more. Then she turned puppy dog eyes in my direction and batted her eyes at me.

“Does that mean you’ll come?”

Her eyebrows shot up and her eyes were like saucers. She pressed her hands together in front of her, praying or begging, I’m not sure which.

I can do this, I told myself. These people should not intimidate me any longer. I am a successful artist, sought out by clients around the world. I should not care one iota about the opinion of a bunch of overgrown teenagers.

At least the gathering was at a really great restaurant.  I’d been wanting to try Hibachi since I’d returned to town. My tummy rumbled at that moment, reminding me that I would need to eat somewhere.

“OK. I’ll go.”

Jackie launched at me and gave me a bear hug. 

“This will be so much better with my best friend there! C’mon - I brought you the perfect outfit.”

Thirty minutes later, dressed in Armani & perched on Louboutins, I followed a slender Japanese hostess to a room in the back of the restaurant. The decorations were sparse, in the Japanese tradition of Kanso, designed to achieve total zen. Every piece of furniture and every decoration on the wall served a purpose.

My classmates were seated on high stools lined around counters that outlined the grill tops, blissfully chatting with each other. No one noticed when I entered the room, which had a surprisingly calming effect on my heart rate. 

“Ooh! Good timing.”

Jackie’s voice was low in my ear as she grabbed my elbow and steered me to the end of the table where two stools sat empty. She took the end chair, leaving me to scoot up next to a guy I didn’t recognize from the back. Must be someone’s husband who had come along.

He was deep in conversation with Kim Sanchez, so maybe he belonged to her. She and I had competed for every academic award offered. She’d won most of them. She checked the minority boxes and I didn’t.

I kept my eyes focused on the chair as I climbed up and settled in. The last thing I needed was to fall off the stool before I ever got on.

The scent of aftershave wafted over as I looked down at my menu. The aroma was oriental and sensual, subtle yet distinctive. I remember that hint of cinnamon spice. But from where? And why was it suddenly quickening my pulse?

I turned my attention to Jackie. She looked like the cat that ate the canary.

“Hi Jackie,” came a voice over my shoulder that raised goosebumps on my forearms.

“Oh. Hi Steven.”

Oh dear God, no. The one person I really don’t have the energy for is sitting right next to me?

I shot Jackie a look that says I know exactly what she’s done and that she will pay for this act of treason later.

With my best smile in place, I turned my head.

“Hello, Steven.”

“Hi, Donna.”

In one swift motion, he collected my hand in his and lifted it to his mouth. He brushed his lips over my knuckles and the goosebumps returned. They really should turn down the air conditioning in this restaurant.

His face had matured only enough to make him even more handsome than I remembered. The slightest five o’clock shadow made him super sexy, and his hair would give Fabio a run for his money. My fingers itched to tangle in it just as they had years ago. I almost forgot we were in a restaurant.

But I hadn’t forgotten the humiliation of his preferring my friend over me. So I shuttered my desires against the storm that is Steven.

“I’m so glad you came.”

“Don’t you mean you’re glad Jackie came? Would you like us to switch seats?”

Wow, Donna. Way to put the past behind you. Just bring it right out in front of everyone. 

“No.”

He returned my hand to the table, but it was still enclosed in his. His eyes never left mine, and I noticed a depth to them that I hadn’t seen before. I wanted to paint him.

I pulled my hand free and placed it in my lap.

Dinner passed quickly. The display given by the teppanyaki chef was truly artistic, keeping us all entertained as we ate. Once the food was cleared, different classmates came over to talk with their famous and new best friend. A couple even asked for an autograph.

I found myself sharing friendly banter with both Jackie and Steven. As the evening was winding down, I realized that Steven had draped his arm over the back of my chair as if he thought we somehow belonged together.

And suddenly I felt like I was getting sucked under by a rip current. I came up almost gasping for air. This man had played me this way before, and I’d fell hook, line, and sinker then.

Well, not now.

“We need to go, Jackie. My headache is suddenly worse.”

I slid off my chair and pulled my purse strap out from under Steven’s arm all in one surprisingly smooth motion. I didn’t look back, just walked.

Jackie caught up quickly.

“What was that about?”

“Protection.”

I stopped at the host stand and left money to cover my bill and a tip for both the chef and the server. Then I burst out of the restaurant into the cool night air.

 Drawing in a refreshing breath, I turned to Jackie.

“You set me up, didn’t you?”

I wasn’t mad at her. I knew she was looking after me. But I still felt just a tiny bit betrayed.

“He begged me. He sounds like he’s really interested in YOU this time, not me. And I figured where’s the harm? It would get you out of your cocoon for a bit and I wouldn’t have to go to the reunion on my own.”

I had to admit, the evening had been fun, and I was glad I went. Spending time with Jackie and Steven had been relaxing, and the attention of my classmates made me feel slightly special. Sure, I knew most of them were more interested in my fame than in me. 

But as great as the evening had been, right now I just wanted to get back to the serenity of my townhouse, my cat, and the lovers in Melanie Moreland’s latest novel.